Your e-mails archives 2002/03

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Just wondering why you didn't publish the "Best dirty ball mark on a bald head that didn't get washed in the shower after the game even though there was a mirror in the changing room" award this year as it was easily one of the most eagerly anticipated. I've got a fiver riding on crowd fave Mullers Mullowney with me mate Fred out of Right Said Fred for that peach after the Collegians game. He reckons it was Mullers too but the one after the Huddersfield Amateurs game away instead. 

Please settle the dispute. 

The other bald one out of Right Said Fred,  Alwoodley

Very Amusing!  For suggesting the best novelty award this week you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  

What about an award for the sh*ttest Trinity fundraiser/social secretary of all time?  Martin Clubbs wins that hands down!

A source within the club

We don't think we'll be giving out such an award.  It doesn't sound very pleasant. 

You are going to get a f*cking smack next time our paths cross Maloney.!!

Martin Barrett

Though not an advocate of violence Trinity FC Online admires your use of the world wide web to communicate your hostile threats. Readers if you'd like to threaten anyone on the website please e-mail now.  Alternatively you may wish to tell someone that you love them, you respect them, you like their shirt or you'd like to borrow money off them - for want of a few ideas.

My favourite Trinity moment this season was Gardiner getting sent off after a cowardly attack on opponent.

Macca, Leeds

Strange one as it put Trinity under a lot of pressure in that particular game after looking so comfortable throughout.  Readers  E-mail Trinity FC Online with your favourite moments of the season!  

Martin Clubbs seems to be getting a lot of stick lately for his fundraising activities, or should I say lack of them.  But I reckon Trinity must have raised loads of money over the last few years.  What about that race night Nick Bentley was 'organising'.  They must have raised a lot of money from that!

Stee

We believe the race night you mentioned has still to take place, but when it does we're sure it'll be a resounding success! 

I think Trinity FC Online should have given large headed midfielder Chris Gardiner an award.  The award being the 'Boring travel story telling, name dropping, I think everyone's laughing with me but they're all laughing at me because I'm a right c*nt with sh*t fashion sense' award.  He seems the obvious choice for it.

An observer

We're not sure he'd have appreciated it! 

It's great to see Trinity crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney editing this week's Trinity FC Online.  He's fantastic!  Last night I printed his picture and brought it to bed with me, where I let my fingers do the walking if you know what I mean!

Jennifer (a fit bird)

Thanks Jennifer.  We're pleased you enjoyed it!

** Red Card **

I'd just like to ask if this weeks guest editor has somehow adapted his picture on the website because I've known this individual for a number of years now and could swear blind his hair was longer...... either that or his ears are MASSIVE!!!!

Eamonn Kissane, Bristol

How dare you suggest that our crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney needs to have his photograph doctored in such a way to leave it suitable for publishing.  The picture displayed reflects his natural rugged good looks, without the need for any such modern airbrushing techniques that modern celebrities require.  For your accusations you have been awarded this week's red card. You're off!!  

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Here's a short poem I wrote based on Trinity's season.  I hope your readers like it:

I find it hard to comprehend
That Trinity's season is at an end
Another season without a cup
With no prospect of going up
But there is no point in whining
Look at the cloud for the silver lining
Remember the goals from Martin Brown
At least we have not got down 

Mike Hunt, Stanningley

Smashing effort Mike.  Readers if you'd like to add to the poem, or indeed create an entirely new one, please do and send in your work to Trinity FC Online.  You might be a poet, and not even know it! (boom! boom!)   Seriously though Mike, for your creative efforts you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  

Why isn't one of Martin Clubbs' goals in the reckoning for goal of the season?  I'll tell you why.  It's because the lazy, lanky f*cker won't get his finger out and score any goals, just like last season.  A bit like the c*nt's attitude to his social secretary/fund raiser roles that he does so well...... NOT!!!!

A regular observer

Martin Clubbs playing role for Trinity is somewhat defensive in its nature, being that he's a defender.  Although he ventures up field for corners his main role is to prevent the opposition scoring goals, rather than score himself.  This he seems to do quite effectively.  

Trinity finished fifth in the table last season.  This season it looks as though they will finish sixth.  If this trend is to continue then it looks as though they will finish next season in seventh place!

Brian

Interesting.  Since sending in your e-mail Trinity have finally finished in seventh position due to East Ardsley winning their last game.  Based on your theory Trinity will now finish ninth next season, close to the relegation zone.  However unlike economic measurements such as the inflation rate and interest rates football league positions don't always follow trends.  There are many influencing factors.  Therefore it is tricky to make such predictions based solely on past performances.

If you're giving an award for the worst refereeing decision of the season, surely it must go to the referee who ruled that crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney infringed on Matt Jordan's penalty, against East Ardsley.  You know, the one when he wrongly adjudged that crowd favourite Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney had entered the area before the kick was taken.  The referee hadn’t seen Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney expertly time his run into the area to be first to a possible rebound, and was thus deceived by his pace, and called the penalty to be retaken.  It was a good job Matt Jordan scored again.

The referee who sent Chris Gardiner off against Sandal comes a close second.  Not because he sent Gardiner off.  But because he didn't send the large headed, fat c*nt off earlier!

Bill Stickers, Leeds

Interesting choices Bill.  However we're not giving out such an award this year.

To all the smashing Trinity guys.  It was lovely playing against you for the last two seasons.  You're a jolly, decent bunch of players.  Unfortunately we got relegated this season.  But never mind we'll soldier on.  Any way have a nice summer and good luck next season

All the chaps from KSC 83, Bradford

Thanks for your e-mail KSC 83.  Trinity FC Online wishes you all the best next season.

** Red Card **

I must get some sort of award for having a 100% Red card record!

Every e-mail I have sent has been red carded.

Jimbo Brown

Yes you do indeed get some sort of award, this week's red card to be precise. You're off!!  

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I think you have missed out a couple of Matt Jordan's goals this season that should be included in the Trinity FC Online Awards nominations.  A header from a corner that was headed downward proving impossible to save.  How many other players have even come close to scoring at corners - oh yes Jordan again!

Also when he beat two players and then fired into the bottom left hand corner to earn Trinity a draw.

Whoever has done this list probably doesn't know much about football.

Matt Jordan (Trinity captain), Alwoodley

As tremendous as these goals were they unfortunately just failed to make the list.  Despite being one of the division's low scorers this season the quality of Trinity's goals as been high, therefore some quality goals have missed out.   Anyway for having the cheek to suggest the goals you've actually scored yourself are worthy contenders for the goal of the season, you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  

I was at the Trinity social last Saturday and very enjoyable it was too.  However I noticed in your news update at the start of the week that it said 'Well done to Martin Clubbs, Trinity social secretary, for organising an excellent day'.  If that statement means 'well done for doing absolutely sh*t all as per f*cking usual' this statement is indeed quite accurate.  Let's hope the lanky c*nt gets his finger out of his a*se and does something special for the official end of season do, whenever he gets bothered to sorting that one out.

Mick

You're probably being a touch harsh there Mick.  The fact that the occasion was very enjoyable may suggest Martin Clubbs did a lot of organising behind the scenes that went unnoticed.  Martin has also informed Trinity FC Online that the official Trinity end of season social will be in June, but nothing specific as been arranged as yet.  So you may have a point!

In view of next week's publication of the Trinity FC Online Awards may I offer a few alternative awards:

• The 'Only middle class people are invited to my sh*t house warming party' award goes to NICK BENTLEY
• The 'I'm still drinking my pint from the first round of the Trinity drinking competition which was last December because I'm a soft f*cker' award goes to NICK BENTLEY
• The 'I'm being stalked and I don't know about it' award goes to NICK BENTLEY

That's right Bentley, I'm watching your every move and you're going to pay for making my school life a living hell!!  So watch out!!

Bentley's Stalker

Very disturbing.  We have passed this e-mail on to the police. 

What about Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney's goal against Batelians, which set up their first league win of the season.  You know, the one where he made an excellent midfield run to latch onto a Jimmy Yates through ball.  His first shot was saved.  But when he received the ball again he made no mistake as he curled his shot past the keeper into the bottom corner of the net.  Anyway this goal should definitely have been nominated for goal of the season.

A regular Trinity watcher

You're quite possibly right.  However there were so many good goals this season.  Unfortunately some had to miss out on being nominated.

I will not be making any comments about my future at the club until August.  I wish to spend the next few months away from football spending time with my family.

My agent, Martin Hirst, will be issuing a full statement in due course.  Any enquiries should be directed at him over the coming months.

Matt Jordan (Trinity Skipper), Alwoodley

Does that mean you're considering the offer to join KSC 83?  Only kidding Matt!  All the Trinity FC Online team hope that you continue to play for Trinity for one more season at least!

** Red Card **

Hi there I'm Chris Gardiner, although most people call me Chrissie, and I'm just checking to see if its true what everyone says: i.e. that I can send in any old sh*te and I'll get e-mail of the week - just like that! 

Catch you laters

Chrissie 

PS  what do I get for email of the season?

To be awarded e-mail of the week is something special that needs to be earned.  Some people put a lot of time and effort into their e-mails without ever achieving the award.  For your cynical view, which quite frankly is a slur on the serious e-mailer, you've been awarded this week's red card. You're off!!  

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Seeing as we have an extremely well written, informative and entertaining web site surely we should use our huge fan base to our advantage. There is no doubt that a few new faces to a club always livens things up a bit, for instance Will certainly got temperatures racing a couple of weeks ago with his hunky guest appearance, and I think we should start recruiting for next season now. My suggestion is to scour the other clubs for unsettled/unhappy players who might be looking for a new challenge, clubs such as Collegians, Sandal, Yorkshire Bank, Old Rovers, so therefore we should get an e-mail/letter out to Collegians, get it out to Sandal, get it out to Yorkshire Bank, GET IT OUT TO OLD ROVERS. What does the web master think of this idea?

Remember keep the letter short, but make it long! 

Chris G, Working class, Harehills

Superb idea Chris.  Trinity are always on the look out for players and it is about time we go '21st Century' as they say, in our drive to recruit them.   Anyway for your superb idea you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  

Is the rumour true that Martin O'Keeffe has resigned as the Trinity manager, to start up a Ladies team? 

Mags, Leeds

Thanks for your e-mail Mags.  It's always nice to receive a genuine e-mail from a lovely lady.  And if any lovely ladies would like to e-mail Trinity FC Online please feel free to do so!

It is true O'Keeffe is considering resigning at the end of the season, due to business commitments.  We're not sure if he is going to take over a ladies team.  Though he's a very good communicator with the ladies we're not sure he has the patience to explain the offside rule to them every two minutes!

Apparently on next weeks Life of Grime so called crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Millwinnie's bedroom will be featured.  Mr Millwinnie you should be aware Matt and Jen have  spent a lot of hard work, time etc in sorting their house out and don't need an unhygienic, left wing, dosser making their spare room fit only for vermin. One hopes you will get the message and get it sorted pronto!

Andy Jordan, Slough

Thanks for your e-mail Andy.  You are indeed correct.  All rooms in residential houses should be kept to a certain level of neatness and tidiness.  I'm sure our ever popular crowd favourite will take note of this e-mail and take appropriate action, if it is indeed required.  Note Jim 'Mullers' MULLOWNEY tends to play in the centre or on the right, rather than on the left wing.

Everyone knows that Trinity crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney is an extremely good laugh in the social arena, as well as being an exceptional dancer to all kinds of music (as witnessed in various nightclubs and the Leeds Irish Centre).  However what many people don't know about him is that he devotes a lot of time and effort to various charities such as the NSPCC, Help the Aged, and the ones for hungry Africans.  Such unselfish actions I feel need to be applauded.  Furthermore I feel he'd be a great catch for any attractive lady out there with his generous mix of humour and sensitivity.  They shouldn't be scared to approach him.  He is only human after all!

Michelle Fox, NSPCC representative

Thanks for your e-mail Michelle.  It sounds like Jim Mullowney is a great bloke.  If any ladies would like to meet up with him e-mail Trinity FC Online now and we will pass on your details, though it sounds like he's a very busy man!

I'm a fat Irish lass and I was at the Leeds Irish Centre On Easter Sunday night.  On the table beside me was Trinity's large headed midfielder Chris Gardiner going on about all the places he'd been on his travels, and name dropping like f*ck!  Once upon a time he was interesting to a certain degree but now it appears he's a big, boastful, boring c*nt!  I certainly don't find him attractive at all!

Bernadette McGoo, Leeds

A touch harsh maybe Bernadette.  We believe Chris is still quite an interesting guy.  Perhaps you should have been talking to the people at your own table instead of eavesdropping on other people's conversations.

** Red Card **

What a poor season Trinity have had.  They should be up there fighting for trophies not t*ssing it off in mid-table.  It's time Trinity got rid of all their players and brought new ones in, players with a bit of hunger and drive.  The present lot are all fat f*ckers, content just to take part and go through the motions.  The squad has no redeeming qualities whatsoever! 

An unhappy supporter

You are perfectly entitled to air your views.  And yes like all teams Trinity would benefit from the odd new player.  However to state the squad has 'no redeeming qualities whatsoever' is completely exaggerated.  There have been some very good performances this season.  For your over the top criticism you've been awarded this week's red card. You're off!!  

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I've an idea.  At the end of the season why don't Trinity FC Online have a feature reviewing the season.  They could evaluate how well Trinity have done this season as well as reviewing all the other teams in Senior B.  Possibly they could even compare the actual performances against the predictions made by celebrity TV astrologer Russell Grant (click on Predictions to view these forecasts), at the start of the season.

Steve, Slough

Excellent idea Steve.  That's exactly what we're going to do once the season ends.  Anyway for your excellent proposal you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  

Where on earth is Trinity player Andrew Dickerson.  Earlier on in the season he had a Saturday off to fit his kitchen and he hasn't been seen since.  Either he's finding it an extremely difficult job and he's still at it, or he's fitted the kitchen in such a way that he's blocked himself in.  Both ways highlight the fact that professionals should be employed to do such a job!

Dave Mace, Kenton Kitchens (for quality fitted kitchens!)

Thanks for your e-mail Dave.  Kitchens can indeed be tricky to fit.  If you're out there Dicko e-mail Trinity FC Online immediately.  All the readers are concerned about your kitchen plight.

What about Trinity FC Online doing end of season awards where readers can vote for their player of the year, goal of the season, e-mail of the season, guest editor of the year, etc?

Les, The Pointers

Thanks for your query/idea Les.  Trinity FC Online are indeed going to give out such awards.  Check the website next week readers for details.

This summer we're also offering huge discounts on a selected range of our quality fitted kitchens but hurry while stocks last! 

Dave Mace, Kenton Kitchens (for quality fitted kitchens!)

Thanks again Dave.  However in future we may have to charge for such blatant advertising.  However our rates our very competitive for a website with an ever expanding readership.  Readers if you have a business to advertise why don't you advertise on Trinity FC Online!  E-mail now for details.

I play for Trinity and I was just wondering if Trinity FC Online knew anything about the end of season do for the Trinity players.  I've already asked the social secretary Martin Clubbs, who told me he had a few surprises planned.  If previous form is anything to go by I suspect he's bullsh*tting and he's got nothing planned at all.  Clubbs, who likes to be called 'Clubby' to make him sound more working class, is also the team fund raiser.  I don't know exactly how much he's raised this year but I suspect that it is sweet f*ck all, that's right nothing!  No wonder this club is in the state that it is with c*nts like him running the show!

A Trinity player

You are possibly being a bit harsh on Martin Clubbs.  Let's judge him after the event and not before.  As soon as Martin informs us of the details about the annual end of season Trinity Social, one of the biggest Yorkshire Old Boys  League events of the year, we will inform the readers.  As for the fund raising issue, this is never an easy role with so many worthwhile charities competing for people's money.  Therefore Martin should be encouraged rather than critcised.

It's coming to the end of the season which I suspect means the Trinity end of season social is just around the corner.  If memory serves me correct, which it often does, that means it's time for FA Cup II (the popular Trinity drinking competition won last year by Martin O' Keeffe).  Is Trinity FC Online doing a preview on the event?

Big Al, Clubby's mate

Trinity FC Online will indeed preview the event Big Al, which promises to be as exciting as last year.  

** Red Card **

I play for KSC 83, you know the rough Bradford side Trinity played on Saturday.  I'm the tall, fat centre back.  The reason we didn't win on Saturday is because the referee didn't give us any decisions because we didn't have posh accents like the middle class Trinity side.  This is the story of our season and why we are bottom of the table.  

Bob, Bradford

You're not at the bottom because of your social background.  You're there because of the quality of your football.  For your information Trinity squad player Cathal Brown, who doesn't turn up much, currently works on the building site and swears a lot as well.  Trinity regulars Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney, Paul 'Macca' McIntyre and Chris Gardiner all had experience of working on the building site, with other working class folk, before taking their degrees.  Trinity captain Matt 'Lord Jords' Jordan's favourite football team is Burnley which is a true North West working class town, though he hardly ever goes as he hasn't got the time.   For your sour grapes you've been awarded this week's red card. You're off!!  

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Well, I am shell shocked!

Yes, shell shocked!

I knew it was going to be a rocky ride to start with for Martin O'Beeffe but give the poor guy a chance. He has to learn the game. Yes, some of you may say he's been in the game for some 25 years now but some learn sooner than others!

You may use examples such as Ronnie Whelan and Carlton Palmer and I'm sure O 'Beeffe would be flattered by this but no great army marched on an empty tummy and Martin provides Trinity with fat! Fat that we need if we are to get anywhere.

As for this Gaz Dick character, I here he's actually earning his money at present doing the knew Lynx advert with those two tasty birds. I believe they are actually his real girlfriends! We don't need a' flash garry' like that at our club. For a start it would put the boys of the football if they were stood on the side of the pitch, plus Gaz dick would be practicing some new dance moves, no doubt when he should be sorting the team out with a much deserved win!

Anyway, that's what I think. O ' Beeffe may be fat but he's cuddly!

Lay off him.

Pedro, Barcelona

(I emigrated as the fuzz were after me for dodgy money. Totally innocent)   

Thanks for your e-mail Pedro.  It's always good and honourable when someone sticks up for a manager who's under fire, even though some of your opinions verged on the abstract.  Anyway you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  

What's the website address again?

Eamonn Kissane, Bristol

Thanks for your enquiry Eamonn.  Our website address for all interested parties is www.trinityfc.org.uk, though if you are reading this e-mail chances are you logged in successfully anyway and you don't need the address.

You're so clever Trinity FC Online the way you pretend to portray racist, sexist, anti-gay viewpoints in a bid to mock the sort of small minded, ignorant morons who still express these views in modern society. Your level of humour and satire to depict these views is of such high quality.  The irony is that these imbeciles are so ignorant that they actually believe you share their opinions.  This only serves to compound their ignorance and to hold them up to infinitely more derision than was first intended.

M Bragg, London

Thanks for your praise, though as we've stated before we never aim to portray such views in any shape or form, satirical or not.

I play in defence for Trinity and realise that everyone should take collective responsibility for the run of poor form of late.  Yet anyone can see by looking at the current league table that our goals scored is the second lowest in the division.  Compare this to our goals conceded and you'll see we've got a better defence than even the current divisional leaders Collegians.  It is quite clear that us at the back our doing our jobs and the forwards aren't doing theirs.

A Trinity defender

You have to remember that football is a team game and you attack as a unit of eleven players and you defend as a unit of eleven players!

How dare certain Trinity "fans" cast doubts over the financial dealings of loved club secretary/ treasurer Paul "Macca" McIntyre. To compare Trinity to Leeds Utd is idiotic. Trinity are not in debt to the tune of 80 million pounds and we have not sold Sean Finn & Martin Brown off to appease HSBC. The problematic peg situation is constantly under review .

Paul does a fantastic job of dovetailing the dual roles of secretary and treasurer. Although Paul would never say this publicly when he took hold of the financial reins of the club after the death of Shaun Turner,  he found a trail of mismanagement, financial irregularity and fraud which led to the old management team of Shaun Turner, Graham Darley and even Chairman Andy Lowe. Of course Paul never made these shocking details public.  His conscience and hands are clean and I'm sure he would welcome any investigation of Trinity's books (usual statutory 28 days notice period given)

Mick Coleman

Thanks for your e-mail Mick.  As we stated last week Paul 'Macca' McIntyre hasn't indulged in any unnecessary overspending at all.  He has always looked after the Trinity club money as if it were his own, which explains why he is never spotted buying a round of drinks with it at his local public house! (Only kidding Macca!) 

** Red Card **

Hi there, I am a really big fan of Trinity and I just noticed on your website on the stats that Mick Coleman has played 11 games and scored 1 goal. Are you sure this statistic is right, because I've played with Mick for a few teams and for a few years and there is no way that he has got a goal ratio 11:1. I really would like whoever is responsible for the stats to look into this, as I've said I've played with Mick Before for years and don't even believe that he has got 1 goal EVER. It's got to be wrong!!! 

C Harrison, Bramley

That's well out of order.  Over the years Mick has been a fantastic scorer for Trinity as everyone is aware.  Unfortunately this season the goals have dried up.  What he needs is constant encouragement to get him back on track, not sarcastic e-mails like this.  For your sarcasm and mocking of a one-time Trinity legend you've been awarded this week's red card. You're off!!  

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I dont know if this is true but I was in the Pack Horse a few weeks ago and I overheard one of your players, Macca, with the big teeff and a guy called 'Gazdox' or something and they were discussing the fact that the team were not happy with they're current Manager, whoever he is.

Anyway I think I should let you know that this Guy Gazdox seemed very keen to take over the position for the forthcoming season. Apparently he played for Nottingham Forest under Brian Clough or something. So it seems that things are looking up for Trinity, maybe it's the Boost the club need to travel up the divisions.

I tell you what, although I don't know him personally this Gazdox seems a bit of a character.  Whilst I was there he had a couple of pints and in the space of 30 minutes, had abused 4 young ladies and 2 bar staff verbally, started 2 fights with really big Biker guys and puked all over the floor.

I wonder what your readers feel about a change in management next year?

Peter, Headingley

Thanks for your e-mail Peter.  I suspect this e-mail will be the catalyst for weeks of debate.  For setting up such an interesting topic for discussion you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  

The story of Leeds United's season has been a poor start, followed by an improvement around Christmas, then another sequence of poor results including a cup quarter final defeat.  Substitute Leeds United with Trinity , and their story is exactly the same.  Leeds United's manager, the well respected Terry Venables, got the sack for such poor results.  Should Martin O'Keeffe, Trinity's manager who isn't respected at all also get the sack?  What do other readers think?

Mick, Alwoodley

Interesting comparisons made Mick.  However Trinity differ from Leeds United in that they currently reside in the top half of the table as opposed to the bottom half.

I applaud Trinity FC Online for its racist views, sexist views, anti-gay views and anti-vegetarian views expressed in recent weeks.  It's about time more media channels took such traditional stances instead of trying to be so PC and nice to minorities.  Well done!

Brian Close, Yorkshire

Thanks for the praise Brian, though as a rule our objective isn't to portray racist, sexist, anti-gay or anti-vegetarian views.

Trinity FC Online you should be banned from having a website forever for your racist, sexist, anti-gay viewpoints.  There is simply no place in society for such outdated, ignorant views and they certainly should not be aired on the world wide web.

G. Greer, London

You're perfectly entitled to your opinion but as we  expressed in the last e-mail we don't actually try to portray such views.

Peter Ridsdale has resigned as chairman of Leeds United after almost bringing the club to its knees by overspending on players' transfer fees and wages.  What about Paul 'Macca' McIntyre, treasurer/secretary at Trinity?  He's been overspending Trinity club monies on pegs and clips for the nets in recent years.  Surely he should resign as well!  Now!!

A Trinity fan

Thanks for your e-mail.  Peter Ridsdale did indeed resign at Leeds United after overseeing the club's overspending policy.  However Paul 'Macca' McIntyre hasn't indulged in any unnecessary overspending at all.  Pegs and clips, which need to be replaced on a regular basis, are vital for any club in the Yorkshire Old Boys' League to run properly.  For without them the nets wouldn't remain intact with the goalposts.  This in turn would see the overly pedantic referees, who fail to spot any fouls made on the field, kick up a fuss and would then result in fines for the club. 

** Red Card **

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Hotmail Member Services

For your persistently irritating sales e-mails, offering products that Trinity FC Online just don't want, you've been awarded this week's red card Hotmail Member Services.  You're off!!  We hope you now get the message!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I'm a long term secret fan of Trinity FC, and as result I am very disappointed to report the fact that on several occasions one of my favourite Trinity players, Martin 'don't mess with Geordie boys (at least not until I've f*cked off and left you alone)' Clubbs, has been witnessed drinking in gay bars the night before big games with his mate Mushroom, this is very disappointing even if his friend looks like a FUNGHI to be with!

A disappointed fan

Super joke, well delivered with a funny punchline!  That's what we want readers, Trinity related gags which will give all our readers a chuckle.  For that smashing effort you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  Hey and don't be so disappointed!

I am being very disappointeds at the Trinity FC Online's response to the e-mail titled 'Thank you from the Asian community' sent in by Azzid last week.  I be suspecting you be putting in the phrases like '1000 apologies' and 'innit' into the e-mail yourselves to be getting the cheap English laughs, like 1970s sitcom 'Minding your Language'.  None of the Asian community say those things!  Your response suggesting we build shops every time we be getting the corners was nothings short of beings racist.  No more please!  Despite the fact that we be overchargings in our taxis and our corner shops we are a good and honest race.  Please be respecting us in the future!

Imran Patel

P.S.  If you be wanting to pick on a race for your cheap laughs try be pickings on the Chinese for their slinty eyes, overly polite mannerisms, and the funny ways they mix their 'L's with their 'R's.

Thanks for your e-mail Imran.  It is the policy of Trinity FC Online to print e-mails without prior editing, and we would definitely not edit an e-mail to get cheap e-mails at the risk of offending any Johnny Foreigner.  But you are right to voice your concerns.  Readers if you have any concerns about any e-mail, or indeed any article, published by Trinity FC Online e-mail us now!  Please start your e-mail with 'I have the following concerns regarding blah-blah-blah....etc'

I am looking for a new football team.  I used to play for the Haunted House XI.  You've guessed it readers.  My position was GHOULKEEPER!

Ken, Pack Horse regular

Thanks for the gag Ken.  Everyone in the office loved it!  Keep those football/Trinity related gags flooding in!

Come on Macca let's have another one of those thought provoking, sometimes witty but always controversial MacAttacks.  All the readers have been missing them.  They're starting to think you're actually at peace with the world!

Stewie, Harehills

Yes it is about time he wrote another one.  Come on Macca stop defending it's time to attack!

Hi there Trinity FC fans, I would just like to ask the fit bird who e-mailed in last week after getting off with crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney, when you say you didn't get much sleep is that because Jim farted and snored like a mad f*cker all night as I've heard he often does? Furthermore there is a rumour going round that the greatly missed Jimmy 'Yatesy' Yates, whose changing room banter, light hearted playboy manner and un-provoked shoving abilities are a huge loss, not to mention his on field endeavours, but the rumour is that he isn't in fact injured but is just staying away at the moment until his expensive faggot's hair cut grows out, maybe the stories of jewels being exchanged in the Trinity showers will tempt him back earlier, fingers crossed.

Chris Gardiner, Leeds

Interesting views expressed there Chris.  The fit bird in question didn't appear to be implying a night of farting and snoring but who knows.  As for Jimmy Yates let's hope he gets his fitness back soon!

** Red Card **

You Fucking Cunts

You lot are f*cking c*nts first of all Macca can get his f*cking spotty Mac attack to get to f*ck, and attack his f*cking spots the c*nt. Second of all there were no showers to exchange jewels in last Saturday you f*cking c*nts, so you can take your f*cking jewels and get to f*ck. Third you can take your f*cking 3-4-3, your 3-5-2 and your f*cking 4-4-2 and get to f*ck, and go f*ck yourself. See you next Saturday you c*nts.

Cahill (not Cathal you c*nt MacIntire) Brown

Negative e-mails deserve negative responses!  For your lack of respect for your team mates and for your misuse of the English language you've been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Hi I'm the big lad who Played in the middle of the field, literally for Sandal. After much private debate with myself, I have to exonerate your best player, Chris Mullers I think is his name, anyway it's one of those 2. He did make contact with me, but it was minimal and unintentional, although having been the victim of one of his many incredibly hard tackles I know that minimal contact from him is more than an a full assault from most. I now know why he felt obliged to 'lash' out. You see here at Sandal we regard most of your team as pussies, and I know this to be the case for most teams in the league, nice lads, well educated and raised but nevertheless pussies. I've heard from my "Trinity mole" that you've invented a character called "Tozzer", which is your puffy view of what a hard man might be called, it only adds to the overall softness of the team (this apology is starting to sound like the one I received from Chris after the game). However all is not doomed for you, my mole tells me that recently players such as John Rogers, Kev Murphy and Kyle Brown have been playing more often for you, and even though they may offend the Grammar school educated in your team by starting, punctuating and finishing every sentence with 'f*ck', 'b*stard' or Kyles favourite I believe, 'C*NT', this is the sort of changing room banter you need, and a few fights on the pitch, coupled with some dodgy accents and plenty of swearing particularly when you've just booted the ball 50-60 yards into touch will enhance your reputation, and Chris Mullers won't have to fight all your battles for you. Good luck in the future and here's to a good f*cking scrap the next time we see you you c*nts!

Big man who plays in the middle of midfield for Sandal, Sandal

Thanks for your e-mail Big man who plays in the middle of midfield for Sandal.  It's always appreciated when someone apologises for getting a member of the Trinity side sent off.  In addition your point about more swearing being required in the changing rooms is a good one.  Those people who think swearing isn't big or clever are wrong.  Anyway for making such a good point you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  Please note however that Tozzer does exist!

I play for Trinity and it has come to my attention that there is jewellery trading taking place in the changing rooms of Trinity.  I suspect these might be stolen pieces of jewellery, which would make such trading activity illegal.  What is my evidence for this you are probably asking.  Well last Saturday I overhead Trinity midfielder Chris Gardiner talking to Trinity forward Mick Coleman in the shower.  He distinctly offered him a big shiny ring in exchange for a pearl necklace!   

A Trinity player, Leeds

Very interesting.  There are a few 'gems' in the Trinity squad but this is just over the top!

Like Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, as witnessed on Comic Relief, Trinity FC Online isn't funny more.  Like Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer you need to use more gags, you know jokes with punchlines and sh*t, which have the effect of making people laugh.  I've noticed you're caught between clever witty observational comedy, which is over the heads of most of your readership, and irrelevant swearing thrown in to get the cheap laugh.  Come on Trinity FC Online get a grip, and use more gags!

Paul King, Moortown

Thanks for your e-mail Paul.  We're always looking at ways we can improve and we will certainly consider your views.

I've heard that Trinity tough guy Jimmy Yates is injured and can't play football for a while.  I hope he gets well soon because he's my favourite player and he's constantly in my thoughts.

Steve

Thanks Steve.  Here's to Jimmy Yates getting back to fitness soon!

I'm a fit bird and I bumped into Trinity crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney last Saturday night in a trendy Leeds club.  Not only did he bowl me over with his good looks and charming manner, he was also a fantastic dancer.  Anyway to cut a short story even shorter I took him back to my place, and I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.  But suffice to say there wasn't much sleep involved!

Jane, Leeds

Thanks for that e-mail.  Is there any more ladies out there who would like to share their experiences they've had with Trinity players?  If so e-mail Trinity FC Online now!

** Red Card **

Thank you from the Asian community

Hi there, my name is Azzid and I would first of all like to say well done to the very pleasing Mr Mullowneys for his most excellent work on the web sitings please. More importantly though I would be very much liking to give him a very big thankings please from the Asian community of Leeds for being most generous to 2 of our brothers on Saturday, and very kindly refusing to tackle them, and letting them score many many lovely goals. Previously, bud bud, my people have had no interest in your very English game of football please having being correctly identified by David Basset as not being genetically capable of playing your game sir. However Mensab Mullowney is indeeding a crowd favourite now in our community and will never have to worry about his curry being w*nked into again after Saturday as he has very much please inspired many many young Asians to be playing the football. We have been saying "Look you bloody fools innit, it is bloody easy game, if you are hitting ball very hard at Mr Mullowneys he is moving out of way for you and letting you score the goals, he is very nice man, no need for playing bloody cricket anymore innit". I would like to be further adding please that my Asian brother Mr McIntyre (I am assumings he is Asian because he is looking so very greasy sir) should not be having crisis confidence please, it is not easy to mark a 5 stone 11 year old and he should have been giving up much earlier as our friend Mr Mullers sir was doing please. On a final notings another big thankings to our old friend the very handsome Chris Gardiner for refusing to be an ignorant racist like many of his friends, and continually trying to educate these morons, so when they are talking about the 'Paki' they are being skinned by on Saturdays they don't feel the need to look round and the be whisperings the word 'paki'. A 1000 thankings to all of you, bud bud, and well done the most brave Mr O'keefe for do much listening to footballings biggest brain Mr McIntyres and playing the most generous Mullowneys at sweeper, I now go to drive taxi, a 1000 apologies.

Azzid

Accusing the Trinity players of being racist are you.  It's well known that Paul 'Macca' McIntyre buys his newspapers from the local Asian shop and Mick Coleman always asks his taxi driver if he's had a busy night no matter which part of India he's from.  Admittedly Mullowney and McIntyre were confused by the Asian players tactics on Saturday.  They expected them to build a shop every time they got a corner, which was not the case.   But that does not make them racist.  For your accusation you've been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I am finding it increasingly frustrating and annoying the difficulty many Trinity players have with the names of their team mates.

Cathal Brown is still called "Kyle" by Clubby and in match reports he is referred to as "Cahill"! Get a grip Trinity.

Other Trinity players names  I have also heard wrongly pronounced include:

• Chris Gardiner as " slimy big headed f*cker"
• Martin Barrett as " limp wristed p*ff"
• Gareth Curran as " big eared Irish simpleton"
• Mick Coleman as "rotund"
• Angus Martin as " homosexual"
• Martin O'Keeffe as "clown without make-up"
• Mullers Mullowney as " breath of fresh air"

Please lets make an effort to get to know each other and who knows what we might achieve!

Macca, Chapel Allerton

You've made an excellent point Macca.  It is always frustrating when people don't call people by their proper names, that is the names they were christened with.  All match reports have been changed to include the correct spelling of 'Cathal'.  Let's hope everyone else follows this example and  starts referring to people how they are meant to be referred to.  Anyway for making such a good point you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!

I read your website with interest every week, though it doesn't stop me working hard in the office, and I think it is fantastic.  It is extremely informative, can be thought provoking and at other times can be hilarious.  The only thing stopping it being the perfect website is the absence of this season's main signings from the Player Profiles section. If you had player profiles for Mick Coleman, Kevin Murphy, Martin Barrett, Mickey Piggott, Chris Gardiner, and Stevie Travers, this website would be untouchable.

Graham Roberts, Tottenham

I've got news for you Graham.  The players you have just mentioned have all got their player profiles published this very week.  Click on Player Profiles to read them.

Why does Trinity manager Martin O'Keeffe persist in playing the 3-4-3 formation.  It is quite clear that Cathal Brown, who turns up 3 or 4 times a year, doesn't like it.  I quite clearly saw him walk away, saying the word 'c*nt' and other choice swear words after the formation was announced.  O'Keeffe will have to take note of his players' opinions otherwise he'll have a changing room revolt to deal with!

An observant supporter

You're right the manager should be aware of his players' opinions.  However the manager's role involves having to make key decisions such as team selection and choice of formation.  If he took every player's opinion into account he'd no doubt end up playing eleven different formations, and the games would never get started because everyone would be too busily involved in tactical debate!

I do wish Chris Gardiner would stop trying to impress people with his sh*t one-liners and his useless ability to quote line-after-line of script from BBC's popular comedy The Office.  And he should stop trying to influence people into wearing hippy style clothes like that cr*p green jacket of his.  He might have been able to influence all his young impressionable Jocko mates when he was in Edinburgh, but he should remember he's back in Leeds mixing with his peers.  He'd do well to remember that!

One of his mates, Leeds

P.S.  Next time you go out Chris wear a decent shirt, dark jeans and shoes like everyone else.  That way we'll get in everywhere!

Interesting e-mail.  I'm sure Chris isn't trying to impress and influence everyone, particularly with his fashion.  He's just being himself.

I play for Trinity and after the game on Saturday I voted for Chris Gardiner in the players man of the match vote, which is done secret ballot style.  On reflection I would like to change my mind as I don't think he had that good a game.  I would now like to vote for Mickey Piggott, because like Rob Morris I think everyone else was sh*te!

Anonymous player, Alwoodley

Unfortunately you cannot change your vote through Trinity FC Online as we have nothing to do with the recording of the man of the match votes.  I suggest you contact the club secretary Paul 'Macca' McIntyre.

I heard that after Trinity's defeat against Medics at the weekend, part-time Trinity player Rob Morris opened his big trap again and said all the players were sh*te, apart from goalkeeper Mickey Piggott.  And that's probably because he's scared of the big f*cker.  Well what about Morris.  It was him who blasted over from six yards out when it seemed easier to score, not anyone else.  He's the sh*te one!

Paul Snee, Moortown Corner

Every player is entitled to his opinion, even those who don't turn up very often.

Hi Trinity FC Online readers.  Steve Lever here, the player/secretary of Old Rovers Trinity's opponents this Saturday.  I've just been on the phone to the Trinity secretary, Paul 'Macca' McIntyre, for the last twenty minutes telling him how much we enjoy playing your team.  The thing is you lot are jolly nice guys who let us play our football, without fear of getting injured from any aggressive tackling.  There's no fear of getting hurt against your team because you give us plenty of space to play.  We've been fortunate enough to beat you twice this season, the last game we were fortunate to give you a 5-1 thrashing.  Stanningley are a team on the other hand who we don't like to play.  That's because they get stuck into us, tackle hard and are a thoroughly unpleasant bunch.  I suspect they're working class.  Anyhow they tend to beat us.  Look forward to beating you, I mean seeing you on Saturday!

Steve Lever, Old Rovers secretary

Thanks Steve for that lovely e-mail.  It will be interesting to see how the Trinity play in light of this.  See you on Saturday! 

** Red Card **

Matt Jordan's penalty - ha! ha!

I just can't stop laughing!!!!! That sh*t c*nt Matt Jordan missed a penalty!!!!!! It wouldn't be so hilariously funny if he wasn't so confident all the time!!!

Jimmy Brown

So you think it's amusing that our well respected skipper misses a penalty do you!  Let's see if this will wipe that smile off you're face! You've been awarded this week's red card, for being disloyal to your team mates.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Hi guys, it's Dan. 

This is actually a genuine e-mail from the East Ardsley Boy not the cr*p that Mullowney sends to wind you guys up. Things are getting interesting now, 8 points between 4th and 12th. 

Looking forward to playing you lot at ours, we've actually got some players back now so we might be able to give you a game this time. 

Hope everyone's ok and go easy on Sandal on Saturday. 

Dan Fawcett, East Ardsley

Thanks for your e-mail Dan.  It's always lovely to get a e-mail from a member of an opposition club which isn't threatening and aggressive.  For that reason you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week.

I noticed in last week's e-mail titled 'The 'real' Current Trinity v Old Trinity game!', written by Eammonn Kissane from Bristol, that in his Old Trinity line-up Mark Fella was playing in defence and Ian Fella was in midfield.  I seem to remember that Ian Fella actually played in defence, Steve Fella played in midfield, and Mark Fella (who once played for Leeds United) occasionally turned up and played up front.  I thought Eamonn needed reminding of this and I'd also like to remind him that he's a cheesy bowl head.

An ex-player of Trinity

Thanks for that information.  I'm sure Eamonn, as well as all of our loyal readers, values those factual corrections.

Just had a phone call from my bap headed brother (Matt Jordan) advising he will be looking for a new club at the end of the current campaign.

He wants and I quote "to play a better standard of football"

That will not be too difficult will it!

TTFN

Andy Jordan

Being a quality player Matt is well able to play at a higher standard of football.  However as the Yorkshire Old Boys' League has proved over the years, it isn't such a bad standard itself!

Everyone knows about Alex Ferguson chucking that football boot in Beckham's face, or something like that.  I was wondering what would happen if Trinity manager Martin O'Keeffe did the same to Trinity crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney.  You'd never here the last of it!

Neil, Wortley

It would be an interesting situation but extremely unlikely, as they are great friends with a great deal of mutual respect for each other.

Last week I inadvertently sent off one of your players for striking out at another player.

I have to admit now that I was only going to give him a Yellow card, but due to the size of his head, I decided to give him a red card.

What I found was that it was difficult to follow the game correctly with such a large obstacle in my way so my only course of action was to send the rotund midfielder off.

Many apologies

Last Weeks ref

Thanks for your e-mail Referee.  It's good when referees come out and explain their decisions to the interested public.  So many referees don't do that which often leaves the supporters very frustrated, wondering why such decisions were made.  Anyway thanks again!

Having read the last few match reports it seems as if that O'Keeffe fellow seems to be pulled off every week since his return.

Who is doing this?

ANON, Wakefield

We can only assume you are talking about his substitutions otherwise all the players will end up queuing for such treatment.  Fnarr!! 

After Chris Gardiner's sending off at the weekend, for cowardly booting somebody when they're lying defenceless on the ground, I've an idea for a new Trinity FC Online.  Instead of 'The MacAttack' what about 'The Chris Attack'!

Steve Simmons, Wakefield

Very witty Steve.  Seriously Chris was unfortunate to get himself sent off on Saturday.  He seemed to be sent off more for the opponent's reaction than anything too malicious on his part. 

Chris Gardiner should be thoroughly ashamed of himself after getting sent off and letting his team down.  It's alright doing fancy turns and flicks and occasionally the odd good pass with your left foot.  But you also need to keep your head under pressure.  It's a good job Chris' team mates have all got stronger character otherwise they'd have lost on Saturday.

A loyal supporter

Chris will be the first to admit he was wrong on Saturday.  However he was unfortunate.  He seemed to be sent off more for the opponent's reaction than for his own malicious actions.  

Chris Gardiner thinks he's so cool with his fashionable clothes, cheeky chat to women and his relaxed outlook on life.  However I bought a new shirt the other week, nearly pulled a bird on Saturday (I went for a curry with my mates instead) and I like to relax.  You're not so cool after all Gardiner!

Brian Slaney, Beeston

Thanks for your e-mail Brian.  Gardiner has never claimed to be cool.  It's not his fault people perceive him in such a way.

A Word springs to mind on this, 'f****** sadoooooooos'

Andy Jordan

Surely that's two words!

Hello, this is George from the Leeds Medics & Dentists team that you will be playing on Saturday.  You lot think we're posh and soft because we're all so middle class, like the people in your team who have house warming parties and don't invite their working class team mates.  In fact we can be tough and we can mix it with the best of them.  On Saturday we're going to get stuck into you and knock your teeth out with our challenges, as we romp to victory.  Then we're going to charge you loads of money to get your teeth fixed in our private dental clinics.  So we'll end up winning on two fronts!

Tally Ho!

George, Leeds Medics II

'Tally Ho' to you too George.  See you on Saturday! 

As Mr Jordan's agent (and best man) I would like to release a statement on his behalf: 

"Mr Jordan can neither confirm nor deny the current speculation surrounding his future with the club, his only comment is that he intends to fulfill the remaining Trinity FC fixtures this season and will continue to give his usual 75% commitment." 

"Mr Jordan will not be available for further comment on his future at this time but will be more than happy to pass judgement on his team mates performances."

Martin Hurst, Huddersfield

Thanks for releasing this statement with Trinity FC Online before any other media channel.  As ever Trinity FC Online is first with the news of all the latest transfer speculation, regarding Trinity anyway!

** Red Card **

Crowd Favorite

Question:  Why in the player profiles has the so called crowd favorite Jim Mullers Millwinnie have a picture of David Beckham when according to my sources he plays more like Victoria Beckham?

Also breaking news:  apparently this shiny headed person is moving in with another bap headed member of the Trinity team.  Perhaps this is the Communards getting back together!

Chop chop

If Victoria Beckham can play like Trinity's ever popular crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' MULLOWNEY she must be one hell of a player.  After Chris Gardiner's sending off on Saturday he was very much instrumental in Trinity holding onto their slender one goal lead.  Like Chris Gardiner you have been awarded a red card, the Trinity FC Online red card for criticising a Trinity institution without justification.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

After months of debate in an 'INDEPENDENT' website offices about who’d win between the current  Trinity line-up and a line-up made up of the best ex-Trinity players of recent years, THE 'INDEPENDENT' WEBSITE decided to put it to the test. We inserted various detailed data about the players into the Trinity FC Online computer, using a software program similar to the popular PC game 'Championship Manager', and these are the highlights of the match report that was generated:

Current Trinity
Team: Mickey Piggott, Paul ‘Macca’ McIntyre, Matt Jordan, Martin Clubbs; Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney, Mick Coleman, Chris Gardiner, Jimmy Yates; Robbie Pearson, Martin Barrett, Stevie Travers
Subs: Martin Brown, Angus Martin
Manager: Martin O’Keeffe
Formation: 3-4-3

Old Trinity
Team: Chris Hardwick, Mark Fella, Finbarr Laverty, Andy Lowe, Werner Hardy, Graham Darley, Justin Conroy, Ian Fella; Garry Doherty Eamonn Kissane, Andy MacCormack
Subs: Richard Timoney, Kev Reape
Manager: Shaun Turner
Formation: 4-4-2

Banter started early on in this one, Both Fella brothers entered the changing room and immediately made a bee-line for Current Trinity’s Manager Martin O’Keeffe citing his large belly and bald head as offensive. Not to be outdone  the overweight balding manager called them both c*nts under his breathe and quickly scurried out to put the nets up.
Justin Conroy arrives early and it’s not long before he’s been through everyones bag looking for anything to nick in his inimitable scouse manner whilst O'Keeffe, Jordan Coleman and Kissane are putting up the nets
The ‘ever popular’ James Mullowney seemed genuinely intimidated by the Fella Bros. . which was evident as he kept swapping comments with Paul ‘Macca’ McIntyre talking out of the side of his mouth in a camp high pitched way, also the way that Mark called him a ‘big puff’ and Mullers just accepted it also gave it away.

1 min - the game itself started off in a hot-tempered manner and early tackles were flying in. O’Keeffe flew into Gaz Doc knocking his can of Skol all over the place. Doc squared up to O'Keeffe and poked him in the eye with his nose
3mins - Mullers brings the ball down and passes it sideways to his large headed drinking partner Gardiner
8mins - Robert ‘bulbs’ Pearson has a one on one with the keeper and unfortunately f*cks it up and has a go at Steve Fella for turning up in Suzuki Jeep
8 mins - Mark Fella has a go at Okeeffe, nobody actually knows why
9 mins - Finbarr Laverty heads clear a Martin Barrett cross and knocks over ‘crowd favourite’ James 'Mullers' Mullowney and picks him up and apologises calling him ‘Mr Millaney’ . Fashion Guru O'Keeffe all fired up decides to barrack the ref for wearing ‘black’ on a sunny day!
9 mins - Gaz Doc limps off to the sideline with cramp, Mullers passes back to his Ol’ mate Macca and they chat on about how funny they are! Gardiner looks a little left out
11 mins - the ball is crossed into the box and it drops to Darley who strikes it as hard as he can…it rolls harmlessly into Piggot's shovels. Pearson has a go at Piggot for not picking it up quick enough
18mins - O'Keeffe completes his first tackle (From the first minute)  and calls the ref a ‘Ponce’
20 mins - Matt Jordan is caught discussing sales tactics with Werner Hardy, Werner is genuinely interested!!
28mins - Robert ‘bulbs’ Pearson has a one on one with the keeper and unfortunately f*cks it up..AGAIN. After he has a go at O'Keeffe…nobody knows why
30 mins - GOAL!!!! Andy Lowe back pass goes straight to Steve Travers who slots it under the stranded Chris Hardwick who nobody has spoken to yet.
32 mins - Free kick on the edge of the area as ‘hard man’ Yates brings down Macormack, who promptly gets up and re-arranges his late 80’s hairstyle back into a perfect side parting. Mullers mistakenly tries to take the free kick but is shouted down by the ‘psyched up Kissane’ who relays a volley of insults in the direction of Mullers accusing the ginger model of ‘having no idea or creativity when it comes to taking free kicks
33 mins - Kissane drives the ball hard and low at the Current Trinity’s wall
35mins - Gaz Doc sparks up his 2nd fag
42 mins - Current Trinity win a free kick on the edge of the box, in a very dangerous position as the unsighted referee doesn't see Martin Barrett fall over his 7ft long legs
43 mins - Mullers strokes the ball high and into Hardwick's hands, grins at Macca who reciprocates a tender smile. Pearson is genuinely agitated and screams obscenities at both Mac and Mullers who both whisper together whilst looking at Pearson
45 mins - Robert ‘bulbs’ Pearson has a one on one with the keeper and unfortunately f*cks it up and has a go a the large headed midfielder Gardiner for living at home with his mam

Half Time Score - Current Trinity 1 Old Trinity 0

2nd Half

45 mins - Kissane breaks through the current defence and is through on the keeper only Mick Coleman can catch him, only 40 yds from goal and the keeper to beat
48 mins - Only 20 yrds out and Coleman catches Kissane, it’s a rare old struggle as they bounce off each other shoulder to shoulder, Kissane looks tired can't be too easy to hand off a 15 stone lump, Kissane strikes the ball cleanly and it sales into the top corner..typical  Kissane, Coleman moans that if he was fitter he would have caught Kissane…GOAL …..1-1. Pearson has a go at Coleman for not been able to catch the ever youthful Kissane
49 mins - Andy Lowe brings Pearson down at the edge of the area by telling him all about his Sundays, Pearson is very depressed now. Mullowney floats the free kick harmlessly into the keepers arms
51 min  - Graham Darley does a lovely ‘megs’ on O’Keeffe and has a shot from the edge of the area which trickles harmlessly to the keeper, who immediately throws it out for a quick counter attack, at which point O’Keeffe clatters into darley from a challenge he started just after half – time YELLOW CARD!!!!
Oh no it looks like he’s going to argue with the ref about it …YES he is, and the ref’s not having it anymore
RED CARD AND HE’S OFF
55 mins - Robert ‘bulbs’ Pearson has a one on one with the keeper and unfortunately f*cks it up and has a go at the ‘cockney wide boy’ matt jordan about his sales technique. Jordan having non of it calls him a ‘stupid prick’.
56 mins - Barrett has a good chance at the far post with his head from a decent cross from Gardiner, but puts it wide. How long will this barren spell go on for 8ft striker?
70 mins - the eternally youthful Kissane is suffering from cramp and has to go off,  a great loss. He is replaced by a semi-fit lop sided midfielder Richard Timoney who after 4 Pints of Guinness on the side lines is not taking this game too seriously and immediately proceeds to jump all over O Keeffe and pulling his shorts down…..Very funny!
Pearson has a go at Timoney for his immature behaviour, Timoney just laughs and sings an Irish song
71 mins - A DOUBLE SUBSTITUTION!!!!  Reape on for Doherty who has been spewing up for the last 40 mins.
Great applause for the ex St Mick's captain from Macca who immediately runs up to him and discusses a game from 1989. Kev laughs and asks ‘what's a top lad like you doing in a game like this?’ macca reciprocates with ‘pleeeeeeeeeeease ‘whats a top lad like you doing in a game like this?’ and they both laugh!!!!!
72 mins - Reape whilst rearranging his hair is caught out by Gardiner in the centre of midfield and makes forward strides towards goal , puts the ball on his right foot and shoots powerfully out for a throw in. Gaz Doc on the sideline laughs so hard he drops his 4th can of Skol. Kissane in ever humourous way call Mullers  a ‘bag o’ sh*t  and Mullers retorts with ‘2 fingers’, Doherty and Kissane roll around in laughter
85 mins  - OFF Robert Pearson is sent off for petulance by his own manager on his way off the field he manages to have a go at mullers’ pulling birds tactics, or lack of as the case may be.
FINAL WHISTLE !!!!!…all square

Final Score - Current Trinity 1Old Trinity 1

After Match Gathering
New Trinity head off to the Pack Horse after the game to talk about the game whilst Old Trinity head off to the Dry Dock.
Apparently it was a better laugh back in the 80’s

Eamonn Kissane, Bristol

What a superb e-mail, well worthy of being awarded this week's e-mail of the week.

Despite the fact that Martin O'Keeffe had a large involvement in the game when you didn't even include him in the squad, the fact that your choice of players putting up the nets was highly  questionable and the fact that you yourself scored a fantastic equaliser (a touch self-indulgent perhaps), your report was extremely imaginative and well written.  Readers, to read the match report of the official Current Trinity v Old Trinity match click here.

As you are sadly lacking in top quality emails I thought I may as well reply on last week's e-mails (see Your e-mails Archives dated Week beginning Mon 17 February 2003) one by one, starting with:

'Enjoy advanced e-mail management'

MSN have a cheek to release this, advanced e-mail features when most of the dross you get on hotmail is from hotmail accounts mostly beastiality too, not nice

Matt Jordan's well to do brother

If any of our readers are sent such dross which may include filthy pornographic material from hotmail please send it to Trinity FC Online, where we can express our disgust at it!

Quite agree, been quite rank lately!

Mac attacks were occasionally witty perhaps he has writers cramp!

Coupes travels are about as interesting as wish you were here!

Matt Jordan's interesting older brother

We hope to receive the next Mac Attack in the very near future.  Watch out for it readers!

Used to be a morning man myself but found that the turds at this time of the day are too tacky.

Best advise hold on for as long as possible give the pooh a chance to solidify.

Advantages:
Use less bog roll
No unpleasant sweaty feeling a few hours after the dump
No need to use someone's sink to give your ringer a good wash

Matt Jordan's quality sh*tting brother

Interesting dumping time views expressed backed up by clear rational argument.  Having a good drink of water before sitting on the water closet works for me.  It tends to ensure a good solid stool, which comes out as clean as a brand new whistle.  Readers if you'd like to share your opinions on this matter, e-mail Trinity FC Online now!

who the fu*k cares!

Matt Jordans uncaring brother

It's always interesting to know what the opposition think about Trinity!

Why aye man!  It's me Big Ginger Geordie Paul 'Macca' McIntosh here again, from Sandal your opponents this Saturday.  You caught us by surprise last Saturday.  We thought you'd be much worse.  This week we're all staying in on Friday night, instead of getting rat a*sed like we did last week man.  I think this week you'll probably be complacent and will think you'll beat us easy.  But we'll surprise you, tackle you hard because you're all soft and we'll score loads of headers because we're all so f*cking tall man.  It's revenge time man!

Big Ginger 'Macca' , Sandal

PS. Why aye man!!!

We'll see 'man'!!

Imagine my horror when I pulled up outside Martin Barrett's home and knocked at
his door to discover that he had broken his wrist. It was only after he
explained that it was a footballing accident and he was not a victim of
so-called 'self-abuse', that I entered his home.

He is a model amateur who continued to play despite being in excruciating agony.
If the rest of his team mates followed his example then Trinity's league
position would be looking a lot healthier.

It is my opinion he will be sorely missed and you will shortly be staring
relegation in the face. (I sincerely hope that you will not give me a red card
for this e-mail as we both know that it will happen).

Matt Ward, Ex HGSOB

Let's hope Martin Barrett recovers soon.  As for getting the red card, you would have got it but for the following e-mail.

** Red Card **

'You're going to get relegated Trinity!' 

Yes, you may well do the team appears to be full of superstar wannabes lacking commitment and work ethic!

You lot would never get on down south!

Matt Jordans philosophical brother

Have you seen Trinity's league results in 2003.  They are definitely not the results of a team on their way down.  In fact they're very much on the up and up.  Like last week's relegation 'suggester'  you have been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

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Hotmail Member Services

Thanks for your e-mail Hotmail Member Services.  It's great to hear from you again. It's always nice to find out the features on offer from Hotmail. 

Anyway because this week's batch of e-mails are so poor (again!!!) you've been awarded this week's e-mail of the week.

I hope this shames our readers into sending some classic e-mails next week.

Much as I admire your website for its information content and ready wit I can't help but feel it's going rather stale of late.  Macca hasn't written an attack for a while (surely he isn't at ease with everything in the world at the moment), Coupe appears to have run out of travel observations and the readers appear to have stopped e-mailing.  The website appears to be going stale.  What Trinity FC Online need is some new, refreshing ideas.  Unfortunately I haven't got any to submit.

Joel Benton, Harrogate

Interesting view point Joel.  Readers if you have any 'new, refreshing ideas', as Joel puts it, e-mail them now!

When I wake up in the morning I like to have a good dump, to clear out the system for the day ahead.  I'm fairly regular.  If I've got time I might go back to bed for a soothing w*nk.  Although that's only if I've got time.  I know it's not really football related but I thought I'd just share it with your readers anyway.

David Fairclough, Liverpool

Thanks for sharing your morning routine with us David.  Readers if you'd like to share your morning routine, or indeed your afternoon/evening routines with us, e-mail Trinity FC Online now!

Why aye man, it's me Big Ginger Geordie Paul 'Macca' McIntosh hear to e-mail you about this Saturday's game man.  As you know I play for Sandal these days man.  You may think I'm a great big divvy rugby player who's useless at football, admittedly when I played for yous a few years back I rugby tackled someone, but I'm not.  After playing all year I'm bl**dy good, I know all the rules and everything man!  Why aye we'll easily beat you on Saturday man!  We're such a big team, we'll beat you in the air all the time, nae bother, especially in the lineouts.  We're nae too bad on the ground either man.  We're faster than we used to be.  You lot are soft and you think you can just ask for the ball to feet, make a few pretty passes man.  However you don't work hard enough.  We'll p*ss on you man!!!

Big Ginger 'Macca' , Sandal

PS. Why aye man!!!

We'll see what happens on Saturday!!

** Red Card **

I think after getting knocked out of the Yorkshire Old Boys' Shield the other week,  Trinity will start to struggle in the League.  I wouldn't be surprised if they get relegated!

Simon Cookson

For making such a ridiculous suggestion you have been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Can you tell me when I can expect to see a Player Profile of Martin Barrett? 

Is it his recent poor form and goals that has resulted in his profile not been registered? Can we assume from the lack of the Player Profile that he is soon to be subject to requirements despite being given the constant backing of the management? 

If you are struggling to find a suitable photograph to use in his profile, he does look like Ted Bovis from 1980's sit-com Hi-Di-Hi if he doesn't have a haircut for a few weeks. 

I look forward to hearing your comments. 

Matt Ward, Ex-Heckmondwike Grammar School Old Boy

Thanks for your e-mail Matt.  It's good to hear from you again.  For your information, and for all the readers' information, Martin Barrett's player profile will be published within the next two weeks.  If that doesn't happen I'll award Trinity FC Online the red card!

Readers click here to view a picture of Ted Bovis to assess Matt's suggestion.  And Matt because it's so good to hear from you, and because this week's batch of e-mails are pretty poor (come on readers get e-mailing!) you've been awarded this week's e-mail of the week.

I really enjoyed the "Old" vs "New" Trinity match and believe you got the result spot on.  However I think it was unfair for Old Trinity to be managed by a dead man. Imagine how we would struggle if our manager was unable to express his views in a coherent and legible manner?

Macca

Good point Macca.  However the data we put into the computer relating to the late great Shaun Turner reflected the various abilities he portrayed as Trinity manager when he was very much alive, at his peak in the late 1990s.  Let's hope that in between 'meggsing' the likes of Peter Sellers and Princess Diana in heaven he is looking down in admiration at the efforts of the current Trinity side and its website Trinity FC Online.

I heard Trinity regular Stevie Travers went to bed at night and dreamt he was eating a giant marsh mallow.  When he woke up he discovered to his horror that his pillow had disappeared!

Vivian Anderson, Nottingham

Smashing stuff Vivian!  Very funny! If any more of our readers would like to e-mail an old joke dressed up in a Trinity setting we'd be glad to hear from you.

Your computer simulated Current Trinity v Old Trinity game was excellent.  I'm sure it took a tremendous amount of hard work to put the extensive amount of player data into the computer, in order to generate such a classic game.  I was just wondering if there was any chance of this game being played for real, as I'm sure plenty of people would love to see it!

Gareth Birtles, Huddersfield

I'm sure plenty of people would love to see it.  But to be honest the chances of it being staged are extremely unlikely, unless someone out there would like to organise it.

** Red Card **

Credit where credit's due.  Your website is fantastic!  Very humorous as well as informative.  However I suspect that readers are logging in at work and e-mailing your site when they should be busy working.  As a result they are cheating their employers and ultimately British industry is suffering!

Brian Kearns, Rothwell

Brian you sound like a right jobsworth! Life is about living and enjoying, not about suffering at work.  If our readers want to take ten minutes at work to browse through our entertaining and informative site, and then send us an e-mail it's entirely up to them.  Judging by the time of your e-mail you should have been working too!

For your jobsworth tone you have been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I'd just like to point out that the only e-mail I submitted in recent weeks regarding Macca was one querying the timing of the next MacAttack and I am therefore curious as to which "unprovoked" and "heinous attack" various people are referring to in the character assassination exercise that was last weeks email page. Granted I may have mused at the prospect that Mr. Macca could be working undercover for us as a defender for the opposition with instructions to make as many subtle errors as possible (yes instructions) but if this was the offending e-mail how can this be construed as criticism?. Surely if he is fulfilling his duties he'll have a dreadful first touch, he's hardly going to keep passing to us. It may have been the general characteristics of that right-back's game that bore the similarities. 

If Mr Macca has been offended by the fact that I didn't notice him playing with us then why has this not been interpreted as a compliment since defenders making mistakes live a hell of a lot longer in the memory?? (Jordan's still getting grief about some cup quarter final mistake twenty years ago)

Well at least Mr Macca had the balls to put his name to defamatory comments like "spiteful periphery figure" when describing me, unlike Andy, Martin and Jonny from Leeds who all bravely hid behind semi anonymity (I don't drink in the Pointers by the way). My lawyer reckons there could be a years worth of Pack Horse takings in it for me (maybe even TWO grand). As for this ever present business, I'm sure you got kicked by your dog one week forcing you to miss the game, Mr Macca, and you came on for me at Stanningley. That doesn't count as ever present. 

It's fair to say that I shall be choosing my words carefully in future queries about Trinity FC Online and their team. As for expressing compliments again........ no chance!! 

A very bemused Travers, Temple Newsam

For an excellent defence of yourself and for asterisking your own swear words you have been awarded e-mail of the week!!  However don't be afraid to express compliments again.  Everyone needs a pat on the back at some stage.

While browsing through your e-mails I noticed there weren't many contributions by the fairer sex, by that I mean women. Any reasons why?

Kevin Docherty, Bramley

Good observation Kevin.  Come on female readers let's start e-mailing!

I'd be very keen to hear Macca's views on the recent exodus from Elland Road, and particularly the sale of Woodgate to a top notch club. 

It would appear that, as a result of these sales, there is an increased incentive for even better performances from Trinity players at the moment. Leeds United are to send scouts to many of the local leagues to try to unearth some talent to fill in for the losses they've suffered in recent times. These certainly are exciting times for grass roots players in the Yorkshire region and I'm sure that Trinity will be one of the first clubs on the list to visit. It is of particular interest to central defenders where they are keen to fill the void left by Woodgate. Who knows, if you play really well, Newcastle might even come in for you. 

So knuckle down boys and I hope to see some of you on the bigger stage soon. 

Micky, Keighley

Getting £9m for an over-rated injury prone defender is an excellent piece of business by Leeds United, and the last scouts to come to Trinity set up their tents in the middle of the pitch and sang songs round a camp fire (boom! boom!).  But seriously I'm sure Macca will have his own opinions on the Elland Road crisis.

I noticed in last week's transfer news that Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney, and Chris Gardiner have signed for St.Benedict's Gaelic Football Club.  I feel these two players will be excellent signings.  Gardiner was one of the best players in Yorkshire about ten years ago and he'll soon be back to his best.  Mullowney's catching ability has improved at least 60% since the purchase of his new gloves.  Those two players will inspire St.Benedict's to become the best team in Yorkshire, so long as they get their bonus points for turning up on time.  Hugh O'Neills (Travers, Curran, O'Keeffe, Mulchinock, etc) will struggle.

Eddie Hosty, Leeds

Interesting views Eddie.  Hugh O'Neills have dominated for a long time.  Is it too early to write them off?

Having read with interest the way two Trinity players hosted house-warming parties and hardly invited any of their team mates, like the snobs they are, I wondered how the other players would host their parties.  Here are some of my suggestions:

• Scotsman Angus Martin would invite all his team mates to his party with McKewan's lager and Scotch whiskey the main tipple and haggis the main food on offer.  Everyone would be required to wear a kilt and the main music would be Barbara Dixon CDs.  He'd probably charge everyone £5 to get into his house though, being that he's a tight Scottish c*nt!
• Irishman Gareth Curran would provide Guiness and Harp lager galore at his free to enter party, with a bacon and cabbage buffet also provided.  Lot's of Irish music such as Dana and the Pogues would be played and it would be a great craic (pronounced 'crack')!
• Large headed midfielder Chris Gardiner would provide plenty of beer, with ham sandwiches and cheese on sticks as the buffet, at his party.  However being the greedy f*cker that he is he'd have drank and scoffed the lot before anyone arrived!
• The popular Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney would provide beer and cocktails in generous amounts at his party.  No food would be provided as the emphasis would be on boozing. 
• Changing room loner Mick Coleman would have plenty of food and drink for the guests that turned up for his party, as not that many would show.

Matt, Leeds

Thanks for your suggestions Matt.  Readers e-mail now with your Trinity player party suggestions.

I'm a regular amateur footballer and I was suffering from the condition of fungus in my toenails when I went to see my doctor.  He advised me to wash my feet on a regular basis and to put on a clean pair of socks every day.  However after five days I couldn't get my football boots on!

Gary Davies, Middleton

Thanks for that Gary.  That's really cheered up everyone at Trinity FC Online.  If any of our readers would like to e-mail an old joke dressed up in an amateur football setting we'd be glad to hear from you.

I suspect Trinity FC Online are making up e-mails at the expense of their own players in a way to get cheap laughs.  However I think this has the negative effect of undermining a player's confidence, harms team spirit and is generally unfunny.  In fact I wouldn't be surprised if you made this e-mail up! 

Stuart Little, Bradford

It is Trinity FC Online's policy to publish all e-mails, whether they are are critical of player's or not.  We do not create the e-mails, we only publish them!

I am appalled by some of the readers who e-mail this excellent website who can't stop themselves from swearing.  Surely if they can use a computer they should have a sound grasp of the English language and all the wonderful vocabulary at their finger tips.  There really is no excuse.  I just wish those b*stards would f*cking think a bit more before typing out all that c*nting filth that they do.  Oh sh*t I've just done it!

A reader, Wakefield

You are indeed right.  Swearing isn't big nor clever!

** Red Card **

Is it me or are Macca and Mullers above criticism? Every time a reader to
the Trinity web page e-mails a concern regarding the aforementioned pair of
w***ers they are red carded. Then when they (Macca) chooses to reply he is
awarded letter of the week. Surely this goes to show that the un-biased view
that they claim to have is indeed a complete load of b****cks. 
On a lighter note, Macca had an excellent game at the week end, and I
noticed Jimmy doing some excellent 'off the ball' running!!

A disillusioned reader

No player is above criticism and this has been proved time and time again on Trinity FC Online.  The players you've mentioned are constantly the subject of criticism but they manage to rise above it with their heads held high like the great personalities that they are.

Constructive criticism is always welcomed but yours doesn't fall into such a category.  For that reason you have been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I feel I must respond to the heinous attack on my person by Simon Travers in last week's e-mails.  

Firstly Simon, the issue of the well loved Mac Attack. I only write when I feel I have something important to say, which is a sentiment you could learn from.

Secondly Simon, concerning my performances for Trinity which you have "failed" to notice.  As I am sure you are unaware myself and Jim "Mullers" Mullowney are the only Trinity ever presents this season, I bravely  played my part in defence during our recent back to back clean sheets ( a feat unheard of in Trinity history) and I'm surprised  you don't remember me from the Colton game as I spent most of it giving you instructions on how to play left midfield.

If I have been slightly off the pace recently it is probably because I am playing with a broken bone in my right foot. An injury I received after one of your regular "hospital" balls.

It is a sad day for Trinity when spiteful periphery figures are able to voice their sick twisted views about popular club officials.  If Travers had verbally abused Andy Lowe like that in the 1980s he would have been stripped, tied to a car bumper and driven round the ring road for an hour. Nowadays he wins email of the week.  Is that what we call progress? 

A very angry Macca, Chapel Allerton

Thank you very much for your e-mail Macca.  For your excellent defence of yourself  you have been awarded e-mail of the week!!

Just a quick question regarding a couple of Trinity's squad members.  The Brown brothers, Martin and Jimmy, are they actually related?

Paul Dean, Huddersfield

Thanks for your question Paul.  The Brown brothers are indeed related.  They're actually brothers.

I have a message for Piers, the manager at the Pack Horse where all the Trinity players frequent.  Certain team members do go into the pub to see their good friend Macca.  Contrary to your opinion they also go in when you're 'working' as well.  However it is you who is usually nowhere to be seen as you're probably upstairs having a w*nk.  In fact while you're reading this upstairs those Trinity players are probably downstairs right now, waiting to get f*cking served!

A regular at the Pack Horse no matter whose shift it is, Leeds

I'm sure being the manager Piers has to do a lot of hard work behind the scenes that doesn't always get noticed, nor indeed appreciated.

What right does Stevie Travers have to slag off Paul 'Macca' McIntyre (see last week's e-mails)?  I'll tell you what right - he's got no f*cking right!  Macca has been a loyal servant at Trinity for years combining secretary/treasury/playing duties as well as writing the excellent  MacAttack for Trinity FC Online and picking up all the gear that absent minded players leave behind on a Saturday afternoon.  What has Travers done for the club since he's arrived? B*gger all!  F*ck off Travers!! You make me sick!!

Andy (an ex-player), Garforth

Thanks for your views Andy.  Your quite right Macca has made a fantastic contribution to the club.  Let's hope Stevie Travers will also be a loyal servant for years to come as well!

So Stevie Travers sees fit to criticise one of Trinity's favourite sons, Macca does he.  I think that's well out of order.  Only recently Macca tried to improve team spirit by inviting all the players to his house for a Superbowl party, with him supplying the coke and popcorn.  Compare this to the tw*ts who had housewarming parties and only invited the posh players in the team.  Admittedly nobody went to this Superbowl party but it was the thought that counts.  Does Stevie Travers invite any of the players to his parties?  I don't think so! He's too busy slagging off popular team members like Macca and Mullers to anybody who cares to listen (which isn't very many) down at the Pointer's!

Martin, Leeds

Yes Macca did indeed invite everyone round to his Superbowl party.  I'm sure if Stevie Travers has a party he'll do the same.

I think Stevie Travers is a sneaky tw*t.  First he slags off the popular Macca in a sad bid to climb up the ladder of popularity.  Then he claims to be from London to try to appeal to all the English members of the team.  Well I've heard him speak and he can't fool me.  He's definitely f*cking Irish!  And the sooner he packs his bags and f*cks off back to Ireland for good the better it will be for everyone!

Jonny, Leeds

I do believe he is Irish but he may have been born in London.

I'm a big fan of Trinity's injured Irish midfielder Gareth Curran.  As well as being a fantastic player I always find him particularly humorous and charming.  He may kick off in Leeds City Centre and sing IRA songs when he's a bit drunk, but on the whole he's a fantastic guy.  Contrast this with his Irish replacement Stevie Travers.  He's as funny as Aids and he's always slagging off his team mates.  Get fit soon Gareth! 

A Trinity supporter

Yes we all wish Gareth Curran well in his bid to get fit!

I reply to Mick Coleman's e-mail, titled 'Greatest Sporting Briton', from ages af*ckinggo. My three greatest sporting Brits are, in no particular order, as follows:

• 3rd - Daley Thompson, truly a tremendous decathlete winning two Olympic Gold medals
• 2nd - Phil 'the Power' Taylor, for being easily the best in the world at his sport (darts) for many years 
• 1st - Brian Jacks, for dominating BBC's 'Superstars' in the early 1980s proving he was the greatest all-round sportsmen.  His dips and squat-thrusts were simply amazing.

Other contenders were Bobby Moore, Lester Piggott and Ellery Hanley.  I discounted Steve Redgrave because his sport is for toffs.

Alan, Wakefield

Thanks for your e-mail Alan.  Some interesting choices there.

Readers, e-mail Trinity FC Online now with your views on who is the greatest sporting Brit and why.  Please start off all e-mails with 'I think the greatest sporting Brit is [insert name] because...etc'

I'm a regular at the Pack Horse, the pub where the Trinity players drink.  On occasion I have the pleasure of listening to one of the players in conversation.  That player is the captain of the team Matt Jordan.  I find it particularly interesting and insightful when he discusses his successful sales techniques, where I learn an awful lot; and his footballing career at Slough Irish, when he was regularly voted man of the match.  

Of course I'm being extremely sarcastic.  I do wish the boring f*cker would do us all a favour and shut up.  Better still I wish he'd p*ss off down the road to the Eldon, and let everyone drink their pints in peace.

Tony, Leeds

Thanks for your opinions Tony.  You are possibly being a bit harsh.  Matt can be an interesting bloke.

** Red Card **

I write with concern regarding  Jim 'crowd favorite' Mullowney's current form. In the last few weeks Jim's performance on and off the pitch has been very subdued, has he lost his va va voom? I think there are two possible reasons for this. Firstly Jim has been forced to play on the right hand side of midfield, which means that Jim's spooned passes usually end up in touch - centre mid was a much more forgiving position and hid Jim's p**s poor passing!! Secondly, Jim's form dipped noticeably after an e-mail regarding b**ders was published on the Trinity web site, has Jimmy come out of his closet?? ONLY JIM CAN ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS.... all I know is lets have the old 'ever popular crowd favourite' back.

Concerned

It is true our popular crowd favourite didn't have the best of games on the ball on Saturday.  But it's an exaggeration to claim he's been off form for the last few weeks.  Judging by your e-mail you appear to be another one of those football watchers who see what a player does with the ball but ignore what he does without the ball, which constitutes a much larger part of the game.  While other lazier, unfitter players are watching the opposition break forward our crowd favourite is actually making up the ground for the team's benefit. In fact since moving to the right three games ago the number of successful oppostion attacks on that side have been significantly reduced.  A fact which the Trinity defence should greatly appreciate.

As for yourself I see you have used the name 'Concerned' in a bid to dupe the Trinity FC Online readership you are the regular 'Concerned' from Chapel Allerton.  For your this act of deception and your ignorant minded attack on one of Trinity's favourite ever players you have been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Has Macca abandoned his hard hitting feature "The MacAttack" in favour of joining his illustrious, and not at all naive, brother Donal of McIntyre Undercover fame in the covert war against mobile phone theft down in Brixton?. We haven't had any new Attacks for some time and I haven't noticed him playing for us recently. 

Come to think of it, that right back for Colton on Saturday with the large rimmed glasses, big nose and 'tache and dreadful first touch did play a bit like him. The same one who brought Martin Brown down for the penalty and let Pearson in for the third while sheepishly claiming offside. 

If that was you Macca I hope I haven't blown your cover....... Excellent work!! 

S Travers, Temple Newsam

Some very amusing observations Mr Travers!  For your information, and for the information of our loyal readership, Macca has promised a new MacAttack for next week.  Anyway for your efforts at humour you have been awarded e-mail of the week!!

Before Christmas I forecasted Scotsman Angus Martin to win the Worthington Cup easily and I also predicted 'Super Teacher' Nick Bentley would be disappointing (see Your e-mails Archives dated 16 December 2002) and I was right on both counts.  Do I get some kind of prize?

Martin Shields, Harrogate

You do indeed get a prize.  Your prize is the inner feeling of smug self-satisfaction!

As much as I admire Trinity FC Online for its detailed information and its humour, I would like to raise issue with the website.  Why was a certain Macca credited with e-mail of the week two weeks ago for wishing everyone a happy new year, yet Bladey last week was awarded the red card for wishing the same.  Surely this highlights major inconsistencies in the awarding procedures of the e-mails page.  I for one would like to see this problem addressed immediately, and if not then much sooner!!

Daz, Leeds

Thanks for your e-mail Daz.  We're not aware of any major inconsistencies as such, but we will be extra vigilant and will try to ensure it never happens.  

I'm a female observer of football and a regular reader of your website, which I hasten to add is both very informative and incredibly amusing, and I was hoping you could answer a few questions for me:

1. What is the offside law?
2. Related to the above question, what is the offside trap?
3. When was football invented? My friend thinks it was a few years ago at the wedding reception of celebrity David Beckham and popstar Victoria Spice, but I was sure it was as early as 1992 because I remember seeing Paul Gazza crying after he fell over against Italy I think? 

Louise, Leeds

I'll try to answer your questions one at a time Louise.  Firstly the offside law is when two attacking players are closer to the opposition goal line than the ball and the opposition defenders, or something like that.  Secondly the offside trap is when the defence tries to play the opposition offside by moving up the field in a straight line, without the ball, holding their arms up straight.  Lastly football was actually invented in the early 1980s by the commercial television station ITV as a by-product of the popular programme Saint and Greavesie, hosted by Ian Saint and Jimmy Greavesie.  I hope that answers your questions to your satisfaction.

It's not just all the celebrity footballers who are gambling addicts!  I know of one current prominent Trinity footballer who is also a similar addict. I shall call him Martin.  After spotting him leave a Ladbroke's bookmakers in town he revealed the full extent of his problem to me.  Every week he bets at least £2 on the football coupon; on a mixture of homes, aways, and selected scores.  Sometimes he even bets a £1 on the first scorer of a game.  And every year he puts a 'couple of quid', as he calls it, on the Grand National.  Although it might not sound as much as what the 'pros' are waging, the extent of the problem is just as great.  

Concerned, Leeds

Thanks for highlighting that problem to Trinity FC Online.  If any of our readers suffer from such an addiction, and it doesn't have to be to gambling, send us an e-mail now!  Label your e-mails 'I have an embarrassing problem'.  Our panel of expert counsellors will try their very best to help.

I play for Collegians, Trinity's opponents on Saturday.  I have a message for all the Trinity players.  We're going to p*ss on you!  We beat you before Christmas and we weren't even trying, that's right not even trying!  If you think a new fancy formation is going to worry us you're thinking b*llocks!  First of all we're going to get stuck into you and put you off your game, because we know you're soft.  Then we're going to lump balls over your defence for our forwards to run onto, because we know they're all slow.  Face it Trinity, you've got no chance!

The fat midfielder, Collegians

See you on Saturday!

** Red Card **

Has Macca abandoned his hard hitting feature "The MacAttack" in favour of joining his illustrious, and not at all naive, brother Donal of McIntyre Undercover fame in the covert war against mobile phone theft down in Brixton?. We haven't had any new Attacks for some time and I haven't noticed him playing for us recently. 

Come to think of it, that right back for Colton on Saturday with the large rimmed glasses, big nose and 'tache and dreadful first touch did play a bit like him. The same one who brought Martin Brown down for the penalty and let Pearson in for the third while sheepishly claiming offside. 

If that was you Macca I hope I haven't blown your cover....... Excellent work!! 

S Travers, Temple Newsam

So you haven't seen a MacAttack for a while have you Mr Travers?  And that gives you the right to slag off one of Trinity FC Online's senior columnists, and one of Trinity FC's most loyal of servants, does it?  For your act of insolence and lack of respect you have been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I would like to offer a response to the extremely bitter attack aimed at myself and former manager Nicholas Bentley in last weeks' e-mails. To say that we are cliquey is absurd - I don't even really like Bentley. As far as house warming parties go, I would have been happy for any member of Trinity to come along and in fact Bulbs Pearson and Martin O'Keefe did come along and had a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Can you really call these two scumbags 'middle class'?

It is clear to see that Mick is a pointless loser with no friends, either in the Trinity camp or outside, and therefore has chosen to launch a scathing attack at others to try to divide the team and make a p*ss poor attempt to impose himself in the social side of the club. He obviously has a complex about being a poor person, hence his verbal strike at the middle class. 

One day Mick, you may be able to take a step up the social ladder. Even if you don't, you're invited to my next party and I will provide you with a bed far better than you're used to. After the last party there were several cardboard boxes slung into the garden! A Happy New Year to the lads at Trinity, and good luck on Saturday! 

Yours in soccer 

Micky Fallon , Calverley

PS "Funnyman" was not a label that I attached to myself, though it is true I possess sharp wit and dazzling sense of humour.

Thanks Micky.  It's always good when someone who has been criticised on the website one week comes back the following week and defends himself.  And your attack on Mick is quite simply the best form of defence.  For that reason you have been awarded e-mail of the week!!

I have a new year's resolution for Trinity forward Robbie Pearson.  Buy some Deep Heat and stop f*cking borrowing other people's you tight c*nt!!  And that goes for everyone else who doesn't buy their own.

A player, Leeds

P.S. And buy your own tape as well.

Yes players who are borrowing all the time can be irritants.  

I'm grateful to skipper Matt Jordan for inviting me to his stag do, I really am.  But I'd just like to ask other readers who are invited one thing.  Is Jordan on the phone every two minutes to you talking about it?  He is with me and it's f*cking irritating!  I'm tempted to tell him to stick his stag do where the sun does not shine.  By that I mean he should shove his stag do up his a*se.  

Irritated, Chapel Allerton

Having a Stag Do is an exciting prospect and you should be honoured that Matt wants to share his excitement with you.  Try to be a bit more understanding.  

I play for Trinity and I've decided, after years of mental anguish and internal turmoil, to come out and tell the world I am g*y and proud of it.  By announcing it on your website I hope this message reaches all my footballing friends and family who enjoy logging into Trinity FC Online so much.  I do hope my Trinity colleagues are understanding and feel free to enter the after match shower with me, as they have always done. And if they should drop the soap, or shower gel which is so often used these days, they shouldn't hesitate to pick it up.

A happy Trinity Player, Leeds

It took a lot of courage to send such an e-mail.  I'm sure your colleagues will welcome you with open arms, and continue to let you enter their circle.  Though probably not literally!

A New Year's Resolution for the Trinity Defence.  How about they stop voting for each other after every single game like the f*gs that they are, claiming they look after their own, even if they've just spent 90 minutes being skinned by sh*t and passed the ball like tw*ts.

A close observer, Leeds

I'm sure when they vote they genuinely vote for who they think has played the best.  And as the vote is a secret ballot how do you know who they vote for? 

I've read your website with a great sense of enjoyment.  It really is quite amusing as well as informative.  However I've noticed player profiles are missing for the free scoring Martin Barrett, goalkeeper Mickey Piggott, Worthington Cup finalist Kevin Murphy, London born Stevie Travers, and the large headed Chris Gardiner.  When are you going to publish them?

Steve Binns, Leeds

I can assure you they will be published in the near future.  If any readers have any suggestions for their celebrity look-alikes please e-mail Trinity FC Online now!

** Red Card **

Jon the Blade would like to wish all the members (especially the bald ones and those with dogs called Russell) a Happy New Year. I would also like to inform Jordan that the twenty quid for services rendered will be returned with my compliments soon. 

This is mainly just to let you know that I have investigated your site. 

Bladey, Cheshire

Thanks for 'investigating the site' as you put it Bladey, and thank you for your warm hearted greeting.  However for implying that our well respected skipper Matt Jordan offers certain illicit services  for twenty quid is well out of order.  For that reason you have been awarded the red card.  You're off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

To all the guys at Trinity OB,

Have a Happy New Year!

Macca & Imogen & Russell, Leeds 

For your thoughtful and kind hearted greeting, which makes a pleasant change from the usual slaggings off on this page, you have been awarded the first e-mail of the week of 2003.

I hear on the grape vine that a number of your players were in Thailand over the summer, and yet on their return the story seemed to be that nothing untoward occurred on this trip.

I am currently in Thailand and all I can say is that if 4 "Hetrosexual" males ...single for that matter!!! were to come here and not get up to any shananigans thent here is something wrong with that picture. I mean I just went to a cafe for a cup of tea and I got s*cked off by 3 Thai birds (they all had f*nnies......I think) and that story is just the tip of the iceberg, I'm not telling you what happened when I ordered a Ham and Cheese Sandwich with Chips.

So come on those individuals...spill the beans!!!!!
Remember it's only on Stag Do's that "what goes on on tour stays on tour" happens!

Notdonardsh*t Forlontime, Thailand

The visitors to Thailand you have mentioned have informed me there is far more to this place than the seedy elements you describe.  Culture, history and beautiful landscapes are just a few of the more sophisticated attractions they mentioned.

With reference to the above event, it came as a great shock to me that Martin Barrett was knocked out in the First Round. The only consolation to this was the fact that he was defeated by the eventual cup winner.

I had the pleasure of Martin's company on Monday night prior to the competition, and I have to say, that although he did not arrive until several members of the group had consumed several pints, he still managed to hold his own and remain last man standing (whether or not this was because we ended up in the Tommy Wass and I was getting picked up at 11:30pm, remains unclear).

The only two possible explanations for Martin's drop in form are a) he was defeated by a worthy champion, or b) he has burnt himself out and cannot compete with the best around the festive period due to over exuberance. I feel that the latter is more appropriate in this instance.

You described Martin as a 'big man' in your Worthington Cup III preview. This is correct. However, to quote Michael Caine's character in the Seventies film 'Get Carter' a more preferable description would have been ' You're a big man, but you're out of shape. To me it's a full time job.'

I feel an element of sympathy for the entire Barrett family as one of their favourite sons has let them down.

M Ward (Ex-HGSOB), Heckmondwike  

It's quite possible that the prospect of facing the pre-tournament favourite in the first round of his first drinking tournament, on stage in front of a packed Pack Horse audience proved too much for Martin.  Whether Martin can come back from this setback and prove himself in future tournaments remains to be seen, though I'm sure he has benefited from this experience.

Fat Geezer 

Does anyone know what happened to that fat geezer who used to play up front for Trinity. I think he left to live in Australia because his brothers used to beat him up when they were p*ssed.  If you know his whereabouts please contact Trinity FC Online because I would like to send him a Christmas card.

Concerned, Chapel Allerton

Readers does anyone out there know who Concerned is referring to?  And do you know his whereabouts?  If so contact Trinity FC Online immediately!

I have a new year's resolution for Trinity skipper Matt Jordan.  Stop f*cking bragging about everything such as your sales skills and being good at football when you lived down South.  It's boring!

Paul, Leeds

Possibly a bit unfair Paul, he doesn't seem like the bragging kind.

I play for Trinity and I think the cliques in the team that exist only serve to upset team spirit.  For example Nick Bentley and Geordie 'funnyman' Mickey Fallon, I say funnyman in quotes as I think he's about as funny as the sh*ts', had poncey housewarming parties and only invited the middle class members of the squad.  As it was no f*cker turned up to either party as they were both sh*t.  If I'd have been invited I wouldn't have gone either because I think they're both kn*bheads, and I'd have told them to shove their parties up their own a*ses!!

Mick, Leeds

Thanks for your views Mick.  Both players strike me as being nice people and they may have thought you were otherwise occupied.  Besides which they are entitled to a social life outside of the Trinity environment.  On the point of shoving 'their parties up their own a*ses' as you put it, I don't think that's humanly possible.  If it is I'd like to see it!

I'd like to wish Craig Coupe, Trinity columnist who writes Coupe's Travels, a happy new year.  Please print more of these articles as I find them a fascinating read.  It's always good to know what goes on in foreign countries, and Craig's articles are also humorous as well as educational. 

P. Niss, Wakefield

We'll pass on your kind sentiments to Craig as soon as we can.  Regarding his articles Trinity FC Online publish them as soon as we receive them.  He hasn't sent in any for a while.

How about this for a new year's resolution for Paul 'Macca' McIntyre and his MacAttack.  I suggest he resolves to f*ck off!

A regular reader, Calverley

A bit blunt perhaps!

Hello readers it's me blonde defender Danny here who plays for East Ardsley, your opponents this Saturday.  I've just read your Lowedown on our team and I take great offence at the accusation that our defence is 'slow and cumbersome', especially as I am one of the defenders.  I don't think that's the case.  It's Trinity who are slow and sh*te.  Knowing you lot as I do, as I've played for you a couple of seasons ago if you remember, you'll have ate and drank too much at Christmas and you'll look very unfit.  You'll also take us lightly because we're bottom of the table.  We'll also get stuck into you as we know you don't like that because you're all as soft as sh*t!  We're going to stuff you easy!

Danny, East Ardsley

By the way apart from that Lowedown your website is excellently written, informative and humorous at the same time

Thanks for your e-mail.  Apologies for upsetting your defence.  We'll see you on Saturday. May the best team win!

** Red Card **

(The following e-mail was sent just before Worthington Cup III) 

Worthington Cup Prediction

Right then you bunch of queer drinking folk, yes its the good old Wortho Cup, and lads lets play fair this year after I was robbed last year in the FA Cup. To be honest I don't know why your all bothering buying all that beer when I'm gonna be the winner. A bit like me scoring all those goals and you defenders letting them all in (I never said that, Bentley made that up). On the comments about my weight problem, I don't deny it, I have lost some pace but watch me drink. 

All the best 

Robbie Pearson, Nottingham

Thanks for your e-mail Robbie.  However as everyone now knows your big talk proved to be just that as you were humiliated in the first round by the far from impressive Mick Coleman.  But your arrogant, boastful claims have gained yourself one award.  That's right your e-mail has been awarded the first red card of 2003.  You're off!!!!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Gardiner's Grumbles

I hope I'm not the only one to see that the beautiful game has undergone a radical 'facelift' in recent years, and I for one feel that it has lost a great deal in the process. Football used to be undoubtedly a mans game, where today's game is undoubtedly for fannies, ponces, queers and Nick Bentley. 

Once upon a time footballers were dropped for wearing shinpads, now they turn up to training in them (Stevie Travers please take note). Even footballers names show how gay the game has become, players used to have manly names such as Archie, Alf, Fred, Frank, Jack Stan and Wilf, now they are all called Jamie, Jodie, Ashley, Emile and Matthew, GAY. Football shirts used to weigh more than the players, and boots were made of cement and nails, now the fabric in shirts has to be lightweight and breathable so little Jodies hairless chest can breath. Bert Trautman the infamous murdering Nazi once played in a cup final for over an hour with a broken neck, these days players miss games because they got injured kicking the dog or they had another ever so hard fixture 96 hours earlier, I mean kicking a dog for Christ sake, the wife maybe but not a dog. This disturbing trend displays itself in nicknames as well players used to have nicknames like 'chopper', 'bite your legs', 'iron man' and 'the Yorkshire ripper'. now they are all called faggy public school (cricket type) nicknames like 'Becks', Giggsy', and 'Clubby', pathetic. 

A nation often looks to it's national captain as the standard bearer, once we had Bobby Moore who lifted the World Cup against the dirty Huns. However Bobby knew his responsibilities to the game went beyond playing, so high was his testosterone level that he had one of his b*llocks removed to give other lads a chance. It has been mistakenly reported that it was because of cancer, but exclusive medical files gained from his brilliant Doctor, Dr. Harold Shipman show differentH here is an out-take; " Yes I did remove one of Mr Moore's bollocks...not....cancer...(sperm count)...very...(high)", so there you have it what a hard f*cker, and he went on the rob before a big game in 1970, because he wanted a rumble. Whereas our current captain, asked his bird in 1998 what she thought his hair looked like in a game, and brought a personal f*cking stylist with him to the last World Cup, Greavsey used to bring 80 cans of lager. Tony Adams, a man out of his time spotted this disturbing trend happening a number of years ago and in a bid to do something about became an alcoholic and then when that wasn't enough he drove his car into a wall and tried to kill some people, good effort Tony but your battling against the tide. 

Today's football biographies are littered with stories about show biz mates and favourite designers, bollocks. Frank Worthington entitled his biography, "One Hump or Two", on the cover Frank is looking smug and holding a cup of tea, and what he's done is taken the standard sugar with tea question and turned it into a brilliant sexual innuendo, genius on and off the pitch. It's in big print and makes no sense, because he was f*cked when he wrote it and that's as it should be. Frank bullsh*ts about pulling loads of birds and shagging models despite having a receding mullet, take note Mullers, O'Keeffe and Jordan, and still being a brilliant player. The highlight of the book is when he puts together a trench X1 based an nothing to do with football ability but players willingness to knock sh*te of someone for not being a footballer or for being a footballer. Frank is clever enough to know that John 'the rapist' Leslie (as he's affectionately called), is worthy of consideration in a trenchX1, the fact that no premiership club has even looked at getting him in in the light of recent accusations shows just how far we've gone. 

The sad thing is most of the designer clothes, two-seater car driving, exceptional children teaching, world of commerce, w*nkers reading this won't know what I'm talking about because they didn't get into football until after 1996, when it became trendy, shin pads were compulsory, you got booked for pushing someone and worst of all the waist high tackle from behind was cut out. 

However all is not doom and gloom, Mick Coleman recently returned to football and has being playing despite having a broken back, don't let the namby pamby state of modern footie put you off Mick, you play on until your team lose and then f*ck off. Old School rules. 

Don't forget your gel for match day.

Chris Gardiner, Leeds

Thanks very much for your e-mail Chris.  The irony of this e-mail is that you're a modern travelling, sensitive, veggie type yourself like the new modern football player you criticise.  However despite this you have made some very interesting, and thought provoking, comments.  For this reason you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week.

You would have to improve your spelling and cut out the swearing to get your own column, to rival The MacAttack and Coupe's Travels.

I feel Macca was well out of order slagging off Steve Redgrave in last week's MacAttack.  Redgrave is one of Britain's greatest ever sportsman, if not the greatest. Winning gold medals in ten consecutive Olympic Games is something that will probably not get done again.  And what a lot of people don't know is, he did it without even being able to see where he was going as he was rowing backwards.

Neil Austin, Leeds

Yes Steve Redgrave was a great sportsman alright.  He was also good at rowing a boat!

Macca you were right about Wayne Rooney in last week's MacAttack.  He didn't deserve the Young Sport's Personality of the Year Award.  He's only scored a few goals for Everton and he doesn't even look that young.  It should have gone to someone younger who's had a good year at his (or her) sport, at their school perhaps!

Adam Beer, Nottingham

To be fair to Wayne Rooney he is probably regarded as being young for a Premiership footballer.

Contrary to what Macca said, in yet another one of his tedious MacAttacks, I think George Best did deserve the Lifetime Achievement Award on the BBC Sport's Personality of the Year show.  Furthermore I think Macca should receive an award himself, the Most Boring Tw*t of the Year!

A critical reader, Huddersfield

Interesting point, though Macca is quite an interesting guy when you get to know him.

I predict Martin O'Keeffe to beat Martin Clubbs in the final of the Worthington Cup on Saturday.  Chris Gardiner and Robbie Pearson are my losing semi-finalist tips.  Bentley will get beat in the first round and the final will be over before he finishes his first pint.

John Mehew, Leeds 

Thanks for your tips John.

Angus Martin will win the Worthington Cup easily.  I wouldn't be surprised if Jimmy Yates has a good tournament as he's a big tough lad who's probably good at drinking.  Bentley will be disappointing as per usual.

Martin Shields, Harrogate

Thanks for your tips Martin.

I don't really know who'll win it to be honest.  Although I'd lay my house and car on Bentley getting stuffed in the first round as he's proper sh*te.

Phil, Leeds

Thanks for your honesty Phil.

I notice from your Lowedown that you know nothing about Calverley GC your opponents this Saturday.  Well I'm a supporter of them and I was watching you lot on the sly on Saturday to see how you play.  I've noticed you like to play with a spare man at the back, because the defence needs protecting.  You also play with a spare man in the holding role in midfield, called the holding role because all he seems to do is stand around holding his b*llocks and not doing anything.  With the keeper also being a spare man that's three spare men in total.  Now as the forwards and wide men are slow at closing down players, if they bother at ball, that leaves just just four players actually doing any hard work off the ball.  As the two markers just follow their forwards around like lap dogs, losing them if the forwards show any amount of acceleration, that leaves two central midfielders running around like f*ck doing everything.  I've informed the Calverley GC management of these tactics.  I shouldn't think they'll have a problem beating you.

A Calverley GC supporter, Calverley

Interesting analysis, we'll see what happens on Saturday.

** Red Card **

A bit harsh

You claimed in your response last week to Mike Benning's email ("A bit harsh") that.... "unless we deem an email to be personally abusive we'll publish it". Can you clarify what you consider to be personally abusive? Statements such as "Mick Coleman is a c*nt" are routinely published on the site and appear to me to be on the wrong side of the abuse line for the person concerned. 

When you say "personally" are you merely referring to the editor?, in which case statements like "the editor prefers to tackle wig wearing, pension drawing, Stannah Stair-lift using women on Saturday nights rather than opposing players in midfield on Saturday afternoons" would never see the light of day on the site, would they? 

A Player, Leeds

Trinity FC Online consider personally abusive e-mails to be e-mails which deliberately attempt to hurt the feelings of individual players or readers.  Though not personally abusive, the inference that one of Trinity's players would avoid his tackling duties on the football pitch is well out of order.  And the fact that this e-mail is anonymous only serves to emphasise the coward that you are.

For these reasons your e-mail has been awarded the red card, as opposed to a Christmas card (boom! boom!).  You're off!!!!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Martin Barrett - An Apology

I wish to retract my comments made last week regarding the recent goal run of
Martin Barrett. I had previously stated that it was my opinion that all of
Martin Barrett's goals this season came from offside positions. 

I have now been advised by Martin himself that only one of his many goals this
term may have been adjudged to have been scored from a slightly offside
position, however, taking FIFA's ruling regarding referees giving the benefit of
the doubt to the attacking player, it would seem that this goal is perfectly
legal.  

It would appear that Martin Barrett's performances this term have resulted in
Trinity not holding up the league. This is a remarkable feat in itself having
seen him walk around the office making the idea of him actually running less
believable than the storyline of a Harry Potter film. 

Matt Ward (Ex HGSOB), Heckmondwike

PS. When are you going to get around to putting a player profile of Martin
Barrett on the website?

Thanks very much for your e-mail Matt.  Judging by the title of your e-mail I thought you were going to suggest Martin Barrett was an apology of a player.  However you have held yourself up to be a perfect example to our loyal readership, someone who can hold their hands up, apologise  and say they were wrong.  For this reason you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week.

If any more of our readers would like to apologise about comments they've made about Trinity players please e-mail Trinity FC Online.  Please start off your e-mail with 'I would like to apologise about the comments I made about [insert player's name] last week/month/year [delete as applicable]....etc'

Have not seen Matt mentioned in despatches recently, does he still play for Trinity? Has he been dropped because the Manager finds it too embarrassing to have someone playing for the team who looks like a cross between Mr Bean and that f*ggot from the Communards? Is the Jordan listed perhaps another Jordan? Is he spending all his time making wedding arrangements? Is he assisting Jen car minding? Has he been selected for the side but is constantly missing in action so does not warrant a mention ? 

TTFN 

Andy Jordan, Slough

Thanks Andy for your e-mail, we'll try to answer the questions in the order they were asked.  

Yes, no (and he looks more like Iain Duncan Smith), no, most of the time, not sure what you mean, always involved and performing to a high level.  I hope you're satisfied with our answers.

Reading last week's e-mails it was interesting to see that recently returned forward Mick Coleman was the subject of a great deal of criticism.  I personally agreed with all of it especially the one about him being a c*nt.  And before your readers ask, no this e-mail isn't made up.

A loyal reader and Trinity fan, Leeds

Thanks for being a loyal reader of the website.  If any more of our readers agree with anything at all that has been published e-mail us now and tell us starting your e-mails with 'I would like to agree with [state what you'd like to agree with] because...'

It thought it was a bit harsh the stick that Michael Coleman got last week in your e-mails page.  Although every single e-mail criticising him was probably justified I don't think it was a good idea publishing them, as he'll probably leave the club again if he sees them.  

Mike Benning, Shipley

Fair point Mike.  However Trinity FC Online operate a no-censorship policy, so unless we deem an e-mail to be personally abusive we'll publish it.

I'm the bald midfielder, who thinks he'd hard, who plays for Collegians your opponents on Saturday.  Last season I pushed your player-manager Martin O'Keeffe around in both games we played.  This season I'm going to do the same as well as smash into a few more of you lot, you soft tw*ts.  We've got a couple more loonies playing for us this season as well who like to get involved so watch it!!!

Bald Collegians midfielder, Huddersfield

We'll be watching!

** Red Card **

Unfair treatment of a Trinity Legend

I feel I must respond to all number of accusations aimed at the legendary Mick Coleman, who I'm sure is feeling like Cherie Blair with all the bad publicity and sh*t flying around him at the moment. It strikes me as an odd suggestion that Mick would re-join Trinity when they are on the verge of success, apart from a couple of promotions (for which he played a major part, but never received a trophy!) and a cup win 20 years ago Trinity have never won anything of any note. Indeed the closest they recently came to a cup final was about 4 years ago, when they played a semi-final in Wakefield, losing 4-3. The game was memorable for the following reasons; Matt Jordan was unlucky to give away an innocuous penalty, Shane McGowan...... sorry Gareth was injured early on and was substituted, Coupe was out of his head on Red Bull and Mick Coleman fired Trinity into the lead twice, unfortunately it was a lead that they could not hold on to.....same old story!!! 

Mick's game has never been based around pace, but after 14 months out of the game and just two substitute appearances it's early days....and he still managed to beat Bentley at sprinting at training, not a difficult feat I know....His older brother John, currently residing in the emerald isle, is now 12 stone and fighting fit! John spends most of his time busily increasing the population of Eire. 

It's also sad that the return of a one time trinity hero has caused so much upset amongst the team..... is this because they feel threatened that once fully fit Mick will be a difficult man leave out of the starting eleven?? I personally would drop Mullers, he's had several years in the centre of the park at Trinity, a position where influential players are required, sadly recent years have shown that although very fit Jim creates very little (apart from web sites) and has very little influence on the game (apart from writing the match reports afterwards....and a number of dubious e-mails!!!) Why don't readers of the trinity web site e-mail there suggestions as to who should replace Mullers in centre mid. For example: I would like to nominate a wheelie bin to replace Mullers in midfield, because it has more flair and is better in the air, it also collects rubbish instead of printing it!! 

Good luck to all the decent fellas at trinity!! 

A Blair, London

On the surface your e-mail appeared to be a well constructed defence of a player receiving a great deal of criticism at the moment.  

However the following points need to be made:

• the sender of the e-mail appears to have been Michael Coleman rather than an A Blair from London (rendering this e-mail deceitful at the very least)

• since you, Michael Coleman, have been the subject of much media criticism you would have been respected by our readership if you'd have signed your own defence rather than suggest that the country's great leader would actually defend your honour

• trying to deflect the criticism onto Trinity's popular crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney is a despicable act

• your brother is never 12 stone

For these reasons your e-mail has been awarded the red card.  You're off!!!!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

More history please!

As you know I am a big fan of the Trinity FC website but I am disappointed to say the least at the section on the history of Trinity FC.

You must be crazy to think you can attempt to provide an insight into the history of Trinity in the space of a few paragraphs. Where were the references to the characters that have worn the green and white with pride over the years. The names that spring to mind are Gary Doherty, Werner Hardy, Eamonn Kissane, Andy McCormack and his dog with the huge p*nis and who could forget Chris 'teflon' Moran.

Come on editor lets have an in depth history of Trinity, one which befits this great club of ours.

Graham Darley (ex-Trinity skipper), Alwoodley

Thanks very much for your e-mail Graham.  It's good to see that someone has sat down and thought seriously about how this website can be improved.  In our research of the club's history we did quiz club chairman and founder member of the club Andy Lowe for various details but his memory failed him completely.  However let that not be an excuse.  There is no reason why the early 1990s period can't be covered in much more detail, and the history research staff will be instructed as such.  Anyway for your thoughts and analysis you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!!

Please clarify a contentious issue which has risen in the offices of Scottish
Life Mortgages.

Martin Barrett has claimed that all this 6 goals this season were scored from
'on-side' positions.

I believe that his second goal against Batelians was offside and as he is
denying this, his other 5 must be also offside.

Is it correct that the Yorkshire Old Boys League has now adapted a new rule
taken from the popular Sky TV broadcast 'Masters Football', whereby, an
attacking player must remain in the opponents half at all times and cannot be
judged offside? If so, has Martin Barrett been declared 'Designated Goal
Hanger'?

I would also like to ensure that Team Manager, Martin O'Keefe is aware, that if
Martin Barrett approaches any of his players in the next few weeks brandishing a
blunt knife and fork, then he should not be concerned. He is simply carrying out
a money saving exercise to using the unsharpened implements to cut his own hair.  

Matt Ward (ex-HGSOB), Heckmondwike

Thanks Matt for your e-mail, we'll try to answer a few of your queries.  With respect to Martin Barrett his second goal against Batelians did look offside.  However as we all know it is the referee's decision that counts and he ruled onside.  With regard to his other goals they were all well and truly onside.  Martin's predatory goal scoring instincts have been and will be a major asset to the club this season.   You've lost everyone at Trinity FC Online with your comments about his hair.

'Good to see Mick Coleman back in the green shirt of Trinity' as Trinity manager Martin O'Keeffe put it on Saturday.  Mind you he looked more like his more talented, overweight brother John on Saturday the fat f*cker!

A fan, Leeds

Those extra pounds will soon drop off him within a few training sessions and games.

A good sign!

It's a good sign for Trinity when Mick Coleman plays after a long absence.  It invariably means they're winning games and they're on the verge of success.  If he decides to stop playing on the other hand that's usually a sign that the team is losing and struggling.  Just something I've noticed over the years.

A long time follower of Trinity, Leeds

Interesting observation.  It could be just coincidental. 

I must beg to differ with the common view in the Trinity changing rooms regarding Mick Coleman that he's just a disloyal glory hunter who'd be off like a shot if the team started losing.  In my view he's a Trinity legend who's served the club well for a number of years, on and off.  His contribution on and off the field has always been excellent.  The sooner the players realise this and stop slagging him off behind his back the better it will be for the club!

A long serving Trinity midfielder, Beeston

Well done for speaking out against the majority! 

Mick Coleman was an excellent player for Trinity in the past, scoring goals and working hard up front.  However his comeback display highlighted one thing .  He's lost it.  Although he scored his goal barely trickled over the line.  The Mick Coleman of a few years would have smashed it in and gone on to score his hat-trick.  Then when their centre-back started on him he ignored him.  The Mick Coleman of a few years would have smashed his face in.  And he's too slow!

A keen observer, Roundhay

It was only his first game back, let's just wait and see!

Mick Coleman is a c*nt.  

Leeds

I appreciate you being straight to the point but where is your evidence?

It's great to see Mick back playing for Trinity on a Saturday.  It means he's well away from me on a Saturday afternoon.

Siobhan Coleman (the wife), Alwoodley

Thanks for that.  It's always good to receive e-mails from wives/girlfriends of the players.  If you're the wife/girlfriend of a player and you wish to e-mail TrinityFC Online on any subject please start off your e-mail with 'I'm the wife/girlfriend [delete as applicable] of [insert player's name] and I'd like to discuss...etc'

Mick Coleman's had as many comebacks as Frank Sinatra.  However at least Sinatra was good!

Nick, Harrogate

Frank Sinatra was excellent.  Let's hope Mick Coleman can be half as good in his latest comeback.

I'm sick and tired of the stick Paul 'Macca' McIntyre gets on your website.  I was in Sixth form with him and I always found him charming and extremely helpful.  He helped me through some difficult times when I was discovering my sexuality.  Despite having an enormous blonde head he was popular enough to be voted in as Head Boy.  It was his spotty, skinny mate who was his deputy who I couldn't stand.  He was a right pr*ck!!!

Chris Gibbons, Leeds

I suspect a case of mistaken identity.  The person with the enormous blonde head sounds very much like our very own Chrissy 'Boy' Gardiner.  Not sure about his mate though!!

** Red Card **

Stevie Travis e-mail last week sometime

I appreciate the fact that Steve and many others enjoy the many features on this website but I feel I must bring some light on the reason why??? I have the unique position of being in the 'crowd favourite' Jim Mullowney's IT class in my days in Notre Dame Sixth Form. 

This lesson, by my self and my fellow students, was regarded as the biggest load of sh*t we ever had to under go at the college! The lesson is compulsory on your time table so everyone was p*ssed off that they had to waste thier valuble time and attend, and once we were there you were given a booklet to follow all lesson while 'Mr Mullowney' would mess around on his own computer, probally getting this started and now editing it!! 

While he was sat at his desk greasin' his shaft-all around him in his incredibly sh*t class, everyone is playing pool or golf on candystand (games website) trying to battle through the hour!! I don't think we ever handed in any work or were even entered in any examinations for the lesson. So in conclusion, the website should be good if not excellent as Jim 'crowd something' Mullownley has all week to work on it as he's not teachin' anything to anyone!!!

Jimmy Brown, Leeds

Your e-mail sounded interesting.  However our Trinity FC team always investigate such allegations regarding the professional credentials of anyone, and they have uncovered the following evidence:

1. You were never in one of Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney's IT classes

2. These days the IT course taught by Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney is varied and interesting covering the areas of managing files, charts, PowerPoint presentation  and website design

3. Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney is one of the most highly respected teachers in his college

Furthermore judging by you spelling and general grammar you may well have been better off spending your time in extra English lessons.  For these reasons your e-mail is the first to be given the red card.  You're off!!!!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Crowd Favourite

I am e-mailing regarding last weeks e-mail titled 'Mullers is very under rated' which contains the following passage: 'I think popular crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney is vastly under rated as a player.  As well as his obvious ball control and passing skills he also does an awful lot of useful off the ball running.'

Having known "crowd favourite" James "Mullers" Mullowney a while now, as for the fact he is under rated, I have heard Women say he is 4 out of 10, when in actual fact it is commonly known Jim is a 5 out of 10, hence yes he is under-rated in some quarters. 

I would just like to comment on his ball control and passing abilities. As you know "Mullers" is a teacher and one of his pupils called James Ball was getting out of hand, Jim told him off and he calmed down, hence his  Ball control was excellent I also remember at University  when he was at his End of year Ball he wanted to be sick, but again his control was excellent and waited until he was outside before being sick. 

As for his passing skills, yes I have seen him in action. On most Saturday evenings Jim likes to socialise in town with a few friends, one of Jim's best abilities and may account for his popularity is indeed his passing ability, whilst his friends are not very good at opening lines with birds, Jim has a certain flare which he uses quite adeptly, going in for the kill and once he is chatting away he likes to step aside and "pass" the young lady on to others.usually martin. This quality I find endearing. 

Jim also does a lot of "off the ball running", which I'm afraid I have to refute as the case of the Old Batelians game  September 1995 when Jim had the opportunity of running down the wing and I could have fed him the opportunity to cross, instead Jim stood stationary for a pass to feet. So as you can see I can't agree with the "Useful off the the ball running comment".

I thank you.

Graham Darley (ex-Trinity skipper), Alwoodley

Interesting e-mail Graham.  Hold on a minute your e-mail address doesn't correspond to your name.  I recognise that e-mail address and unless I'm very much mistaken that's the e-mail address of none other than Trinity reject Eamonn Kissane.  I suspect that you Eamonn Kissane have penned this e-mail rather than our ex-captain Graham Darley.

By the way last week's e-mail titled 'Mullers is very under rated' was a made up example and was not actually meant to be taken seriously.

In response to the "Macca trapping a bag of cement  if it was played at a
slow pace on the ground", I refute this insinuation as a former player for TASCOB I would like to say that I have NEVER seen anyone play anything " at slow pace on the ground".
EVER.

Eamonn Kissane, Bristol

Fair point Eamonn but have you ever seen any of the Trinity players pass a bag of cement.  I think you'll find that due to the weight of such material you wouldn't be able to pass it at a pace other than slow.

Well done to stand in managers Matt Jordan & Nick Bentley for having the guts to select the 'prodigal son', Chris Gardiner, for the match against table toppers Stanningley, even though Chris had just touched down in the UK. Their decision paid off as Chris took out the man of the match award.  

May I suggest the editor of the Trinity FC website follows their lead and drops the MacAttack and replaces it with 'Gardiner's Grumbles'.

Graham Darley (ex-Trinity captain), Alwoodley

Thanks for your e-mail Graham it's always good to hear from one of our well respected ex-players.  You may have noticed a previous e-mailer trying to deceive the TrinityFC Online readership by claiming your good self had penned it.  

Anyway readers what do you think of Graham's suggestion.  Should we drop the MacAttack and replaced it with a column such as 'Gardiner's Grumbles'.  E-mail now with your views starting off the e-mails with 'I think the MacAttack should/shouldn't be (delete as applicable) dropped because...etc'

Why?

In response to the 'O'Keeffe is Great' e-mail from last week:

I think you'll find that although Martin "may" give lifts to surrounding airports, I'll think you'll find that he has NEVER given me a lift to any airport EVER.  Yet if Martin is willing to rectify this situation, I will be willing to put the record straight.  I will be flying from Gatwick on Monday 2nd December at about 16.45 and I will need to be picked up from Bristol.

Thanks.

Eamonn Kissane, Bristol

PS. Also if he wants to pick me up on the 28th Dec approx 10:00 and drop me back, I think we can forget about all the beer that he has nicked from my house and all the Bikes which he has still got AND the video with SKY TV MOVIES..but a 23min slot of porn at the end!

I will pass the relevant times and dates onto O'Keeffe.  

I have been given your website address by my work colleague Martin Barrett
asking me to look at last week's match report against Western Juniors simply
because his name is mentioned in the report.

The verbal reports I have been given by Martin Barrett compare his goal to the
one demonstrated on a black board by Pele in the popular 1970's film, Escape to
Victory.

I would be grateful if you could confirm if he did in fact pick the ball up on
the edge of his own area, dribble with ease passed an almost static defence and
having spotted the goal keeper slightly off his line, attempt a delicate chip
into the top right hand corner of the goal from 40 yards.

I think it was probably just a toe-bung or a 'shinner' from 6 yards. Your
comments would be grateful.

I would also like to take this opportunity to request an official apology from
Martin O'Keefe for standing on my foot during the Trinity Home game against
Heckmondwike Grammar School Old Boys during the 1997-1998. It really hurt.

Thank you.

Matt Ward,(Ex-HGSOB)

Martin Barrett's goal was somewhat in between the two descriptions you've offered.  No opponents were beaten.  However it was a tremendous strike from outside the area.  Regarding the O'Keeffe standing on your foot incident if he had to apologise to everyone who's foot he has stood on, he'd have no time to w*nk all day at work as he does at present. 

First of all congrats on a fantastic website obviously taken for granted by many at the club. I am amazed at the lack of response to the excellent features "Coupe's Travels", "The MacAttack", "The Lowe Down" etc. every week and I agree, like you suggest, everyone is either too shy or scared to email such a well respected website (myself included). 

For this reason I felt compelled to offer an idea. Why not expand on your "email of the week" award by having an e-mailer of the month sponsored by a credit card or something, and/or better still, an e-mailer of the season title coupled with an attractive prize. If nothing else this would eliminate the scourge of every email page i.e. the anonymous contributor (like the one who tore into me a few weeks ago which I wasn't going to mention) as they would have to reveal their identity to collect their award. However I do feel that this would bring a significant positive effect to debate on the site. 

Keep up the good work regardless. 

Stevie Travers, Ireland

Good idea.  Maybe AOK Oils could sponsor a prize just like the new kit they were going to sponsor for us this season, which never materialised!

Doesn't Macca realise it is British firemen who put out British fires, not our so called 'brave' American firemen.  I hope your house burns down Macca!  Only then will you realise our firemen deserve a 40% rise.

Lou Ferringo, Chapeltown

You are quite correct Lou it is the British firemen who do indeed put out fires in this great land of ours, known as Britain.  However if Macca's house burnt down I don't think Macca would be thinking about the firemen getting a wage increase.  He'd probably have other things on his mind such as replacing household goods, and grieving over those little sentimental objects that nothing can replace.

I was disgusted by Macca's implication that the UK firemen are greedy.  I bet if he was a fireman he'd want a 40% rise as well.  In fact knowing him he'd want a 50% rise or something.  You're the greedy b*stard Macca, not the firemen!!

Clive Dunn, Morley

Most people wants to earn more than they are currently earning.  But asking for any more than a 30% wage rise is perhaps a little bit over the top.  However there is no evidence to suggest that Macca would ask for a 50% rise it is just speculation on your part Clive.

Recently Winston 'fight em on the beaches..' Churchill was voted the greatest Briton, even better than Don Revie....it's hard to believe I know!!! Who does Macca think should be voted Briton's greatest sporting Briton....Steve Redgrave, Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton, Seb Coe, Roger Bannister or even our very Lucas Radebe.... to name just a few. 

All the best 

Mick Coleman, Wortley

Mick, I think you've started off a debate that's going to last for months on TrinityFC Online.  Macca can't wait to get his teeth stuck into this one!

Readers, e-mail TrinityFC Online now with your views on who is the greatest sporting Briton and why.  Please start off all e-mails with 'I think the greatest sporting Briton is [insert name] because...etc'

I'm the forward who plays for Stanningley, who scored two goals against you lot the last time we played.  Last time I was still p*ssed from the night before, when I'd been in a fight with one of my mates for f*ck all and I'd had a curry.  This time I'm staying in and having a w*nk, so I'll play loads better and I'll get three or four against you.  Especially if that soft bald c*nt is marking me again, who gives stupid penalties away and couldn't catch a cold.  See you Saturday you soft g*ts!

Stanningley centre forward, Stanningley

We'll see you on Saturday as well!

Try an e-mail slagging off a player about their footballing attributes:

e.g.

Macca can't trap a bag of cement

I think Macca his sh*t.  He could't trap a bag of cement if it was played to him at a slow pace along the ground.

Mr X, Location Y

Or try an e-mail praising a player for their footballing attributes:

e.g.

I think popular crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney is vastly under rated as a player.  As well as his obvious ball control and passing skills he also does an awful lot of useful off the ball running.

Miss P, Location Q

You may wish to slag off a player regarding their personal characteristics:

e.g.

Clubby is a c*nt

Clubby thinks he's dead cool wearing clothes the fashionable youth of today wear.  In reality he is nothing more than a balding c*nt

Mr A, Location B

e.g.

O'Keeffe is great

I disagree with what people say about Martin O'Keeffe behind his back.  I think he is great.  The way he goes out of the way to give people lifts to the airport is just superb.  He's definitely invited to my wedding, whenever I find someone willing to marry me.

Mr T, Location V

e.g.

I have an argument with a friend which needs resolving

I have an argument with a friend which needs resolving.  He thinks Matt Jordan cost Trinity the Leeds & District Cup quarter final last season by f*nnying around in his own penalty area.  I think it was Martin Clubbs who was responsible.  Who is right?

Miss G, Location H

Your friend is right Miss G.  It was indeed Matt Jordan's fault.

e.g.

Last week's MacAttack was out of order

Last week's MacAttack was out of order.  I disagree with Macca for the following reasons etc, etc

Mr J, Location L

e.g.

Interesting article Coupe

I think Coupe's Travels is a very interesting column.  Keep writing those articles Craig!

Miss M, Location N

e.g.

I suggest

With regard to the e-mail suggestion, I suggest more e-mail suggestions.  What do other readers think about this suggestion?

Miss B, Location C

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

In defence of myself

It had been leaked to me some days ago that an email was to be published on the website attacking me.  I didn't feel the need to get a high court injunction as I thought the editor of the website would use his common sense and exclude this particular email as Trinity FC Online should not be used as a vehicle for attacking the club captain.

In response to the particular e-mail, I must correct a couple of points.  Firstly, this person does not have much knowledge of playing football as I think he gave up quite early when he realised his little brother could take the pi** out of him from an early age with a football at his feet.

I did run home once to my mother not because I was scared but because I wanted to ask he if he was adopted.  It stunned me to think we were related when I could play football and he just couldn't.

He was sent off twice whilst he was playing in my team, however, only on one occasion was it anything to do with me.  I must thank him for protecting his 14 year old brother who was playing in a men's team as I'm sure he wants to thank that same brother for being the star player of that team at such a young age.

With regards the Irish thing I won't comment as I think most people know the truth.

As for the second part again I won't comment but I think jealousy is a horrible thing.

Matt Jordan, Trinity skipper

Thanks for that Matt.  As ever you've stood up to be counted as you always do on the football pitch.  However regarding your first point about Trinity FC Online excluding the e-mail that criticised your good self, the policy at Trinity FC Online is one of freedom of speech and no censorship.  As a result all e-mails will be published whether critical or appraising in their approach, unless they are deemed to be offensive.  I do hope our editorial stance is perfectly clear to you and to all our loyal readership.

Well seems like it was an exciting game certainly one for the spectator.

Looks like my brother had an absolute stinker.  Either my earlier emails have hit a raw nerve or is it because a certain scouse female not content with the usuals, car minding, joy riding etc (can't say too much Jen punches f****** hard) has stolen Matt's heart.

Matt I know you must be excited about the prospect of marriage but you need to concentrate on your football son it's your bread and butter.

On a serious note congratulations I'm sure Matt and Jen can become the "Beckhams of Trinity".

TTFN

Andy Jordan, down South (Matt Jordan's brother)

Indeed it was an exciting game, as reported in the match report.  To be fair to Matt he has had an excellent last couple of seasons and it is very rare he get's given the runaround by an opposition forward.  However he will get the opportunity to put it right this Saturday where we expect him to be back to his best!

For all our readers information Matt has recently announced his engagement to his lovely fiancé Jen.

Let me introduce myself.  I'm a regular reader and I think your website is fantastic.  However a few questions:

1. What is Coupe's Travels all about?
2. I've noticed you've given Coupe's Travels an official page, why?
3. Are some of your e-mails made up?

Neil Ledley, Slough

Thanks for your introduction.  It's always nice of regular readers to introduce themselves to Trinity FC Online.  In answer to your questions.  Trinity FC Online likes to offer something to everyone.  Our match reports and analysis are for the more serious football observer.  MacAttack is for the debater inside of all of us.  This e-mails page is for the man on the street who likes to indulge in a bit of constructive criticism or fun slagging off of players.  Coupe's Travels is definitely for the more cultured reader with an interest in the world around them.  As for making e-mails up what a suggestion!

Why?

Why have you got a picture of Ryan Giggs on Mac-attack?
Surely Giggs is left footed, whilst Macca is obviously not!

Alex Ferguson, Manchester

But don't you think they look amazingly similar!

Further to the  Giggs/Macca poser, why do you have a tw*t as a manager 

Sue Barker, Wimbledon

A bit unfair on our newly appointed manager for this season, just because Trinity played some of their best football season while he was on holiday in Spain with a friend.  Anyway I suspect you're the same person who wrote the last e-mail as your address is the same, and the names you have given are those of well-known celebrities.  Who are you really?

Regarding last week's MacAttack. I believe Macca has got it well and truly wrong this time.  On the whole we've gone backwards under Sven-Goran Erikkson not forwards.  OK we have beaten Germany and Argentina in big games, but look at our performance in the second half against Brazil.  We didn't have a clue.  What was Sven doing to inspire the team.  F*ck all!  At least Keegan would have been in his technical area generating some enthusiasm.  Get Sven out and let's get an Englishman back into the job, although I'm not sure who.

Martin Ruddy, Leeds

Interesting view.  If any of our readers have any ideas as to who would be the best English man for the England manager's job e-mail us now, commencing your e-mail with 'I think the next English man to manage England should be...' if you would.

I don't give a sh*t what Macca claims, I think Erikkson should get the sack from the England job right now and they should put an English man in charge, any English man!!

The problem with these foreigners is they come over here and nick all our jobs, and they don't pay any taxes!!

Joe Bull, Slough

I appreciate the fact that you say what you think.  However the foreign people who work in Britain do have to pay taxes like everyone else.  It's the law!

I was appalled by the accusation in last week's MacAttack that the media is racist (towards Sven-Goran Erikkson).  Cast your mind back a few years, if you can  Macca!  Frank Bruno, David Ginola and that bloke who's Dev in Coronation Street.  They all got and get fantastic media coverage.  Proving the media isn't racist.  No the reason Erikkson is getting stick is because he's a sh*t Swedish c*nt!  And so are you Macca! (apart from the Swedish bit)

Noel Keating, Leeds

I don't think Macca meant that the media was 100% racist, just that they are staging an unhealthy campaign to drive the manager out of office.

Regarding last week's MacAttack.  I think Macca has a point.  The media seem to be giving our national team manager, Sven-Goran Erikkson, too much stick too soon.  OK our performances since the World Cup haven't been inspiring.  But look what Sven has done for the team.  They all get on together and eat together on the same table etc.  Who'd do a better job?

Phil Benson, Huddersfield

Eating together on the same table is good , but it is playing together on the same wave length that are public want to see.

I play for Western Juniors, Trinity's opponents on Saturday.  I noticed in your sh*t Lowe Down column that you accused us of being one of the ugliest teams in the league and that you were going to thrash us.  Well I'm telling you that we're not ugly at all, you are!  We think you lot are soft and none of you get stuck in apart from Stevie Travers.  If he's not playing you're cr*p and we'll beat you 6-0 or something like that..

One of the Sellafield brothers, Western Juniors

See you on Saturday my good looking opponent!