Your e-mails archives 2003/04

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Well Done

Thoroughly enjoyed the end of season awards and the comprehensive review of the season. The only award missing was the 'Best YOBL Website' which Trinity Online would have won hands down. To be fair, it probably would have won it even if it consisted of Macca's infamous column on its own, so far was it ahead of the rest of the YOBL. In all honesty if YOBL websites are say YOBL standard, then Trinity FC Online is Premiership class with Champions League aspirations. In fact, it's bl**dy good. To realise those aspirations the website need only take that extra step in development. How about a virtual tour of St Theresa's?

Congratulations T.O.L on another great season.

Mr Reg Reader, Whitkirk

P.S. no, Jim didn't make this one up.

Thanks very much for your praise Reg.  Not surprisingly you’ve been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week, the last one of the season!

Thanks

For my "Best New Player" award I would like to thank God, my parents and my agent.  But most of all I would like to thank Clubby and Macca. If they didn't play so poorly against Batelians (7-0) I would have still been at right back!  Seriously though, thanks for the 3rd place I got in "Player of The Year" and 2^nd in "Column of The Year"

Killer

Thank you Killer for making an excellent contribution to Trinity with your play and to Trinity FC Online with your superb music column.  If you’d have been writing it all year you might well have won the award.

Neil’s the best!

I would just like to say that lad who plays centre midfield for you, I think he is called Neil, is outstanding.  All the teams I have spoken to in our league think he is by far your best midfielder and I think you will need someone of similar quality alongside him next year if you are to make any impact in Senior A.

Good luck to your manger in his transfer dealings.

Michael, Leeds

Neil Higgins the player you are referring to has indeed had an excellent first season at Trinity.  However Trinity are not a one man team otherwise they would never have got promoted.

My team

How about this England team for the Euro Championships...

                   Woods

Batty     Keown   Walker   Pearce

Daley    Palmer   Webb     Sinton

                   Platt

                 Lineker

This team is brimming with creativity and should easily bring the trophy home. I would also get Alan Smith on for Lineker if we're struggling and need a goal at any stage. If this team doesn't win, watch out for my other tip - Denmark. They got in through the back door and are totally relaxed and under no pressure. They could go all the way.

What do you guys think?

Graham T, Birmingham

Looks very much like the ill-fated starting line-up for England’s European Championship game against Sweden in 1992.  So no thanks!

Is it true...

Is it true that whilst painting the sign at newly opened Erins Egg-Dip Cafe, the sign writers originally substituted the word 'dip' with the word 'head' before being reprimanded by the management and asked to had over the cost of their hitherto complimentary bacon butties?

Curious, Kirkstall

Not sure.  Trinity FC Online will make enquiries!

C*ck!

To the person who read my posts on the YOBL league and thought I could be moving to EA, I have bad news. I will be at Trinity next season. However, I do have a couple of the lads’ names from EA if you would like to support them? Your cr*p support could go hand in hand with their cr*p football?

Killer

It’s great to know you’ll be remaining at Trinity next season.  Your supporters will definitely be pleased.  However you are being a touch harsh on East Ardsley (or EA as you call them).  They’re a good competitive team who contribute as much as any of the other teams, to the great league known as the Yorkshire Old Boys’ League.

How about this line up?

I believe the following team to be good enough to win this summer's championships: Seaman; G Neville, Adams, Campbell and P Neville; Beckham, Ince, Scholes and McManaman; Shearer and Owen. And I tell you what, I'd love it, just love it if they did.

Kev, Cheshire

Looks like the England’s starting line-up in the European Championship game against Portugal four years ago.  The one that went into an early two goal lead but were pegged back by a fantastic Portugal team and eventually lost 3-2.  Some critics say England should have adopted a five man midfield as soon as they acquired the two goal lead, though there was so much time left they could have risked being too defensive too early!

Unfortunately websites showing scantily clad Page 3 girls are banned from work which is a right p*sser.  So is there any chance you can publish a picture of a nice fit Page 3 girl so I can have a sly w*nk just to make the day go quicker.  If you can’t show the f*nny the t*ts will do!

Wayne Kerr, Bramhope

Strictly speaking we're a website that concentrates on football issues rather than cheap titillation for our readers.  However as it is the end of the season you can click here for a picture of current Page 3 favourite Michelle Marsh showing off her bazookas!

Good enough?

I'd start with Shilton in goal, ever such a good keeper. A back four of Anderson, Adams, Butcher and Samson. Chrissie Waddle on the right. Hoddle and Bryan Robson (marvellous player) in the middle and Barnsey on the left, with Beardsley and Lineker up front. You know, the boy Lineker – his head's not up in the clouds, he's got his feet firmly on the ground....and that's why he's flying at the moment.

Bob, Newcastle Upon Tyne

Very much like the team that started for England against Holland in the 1988 European Championships, apart from the fact that Gary Stevens from Everton was right back instead of Anderson.  A good team that underachieved that year, losing all three games.  Let’s hope this time England get it right!! (Cue 1982 World Cup song)

** Red Card **

Robert Redford

It is a shame Chris Gardiner has to hide behind the pseudonym of Robert Redford (see last week’s e-mails).  Have some bollocks and use your own name!

Clint Eastwood

If any of our readers decide to use a ‘pseudonym’ as you put it then it is their right and the Trinity FC Online team will ensure their identities will remain confidential.  For criticising their right of anonymity you’ve been awarded the red card.  You’re off!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

A Few Mentions

This years squad has been good all round so here is my own views on this years "most capped" players:

• Clubby - Missed the start of the season. Came back in centre back but then moved to right back for the second half of the season. Always put in 100% for the team
• Gareth - Dazzled and confused many a left back this season. I heard he had a short fuse but was brilliant when confronted this season. Especially when spat at in the Huddersfield game
• Chris G - Probably player of the year. When a cool head (massive) has been needed this season in the middle of the park he has always put his foot on the ball. Even played with injuries at the end of the season
• Higgo - Started off on the right hand side of midfield but was soon put in the middle of the park. Happiest with the ball at his feet and can always pick out the right pass
• Killer - Came in with midfield on his mind but was soon moved into defence.  Comfortable at right back for the start of the season but moved into centre back, swapping with Clubby to make a formidable partnership with Macca
• Jordan - played the role of Captain this year and was always first to get everyone fired up. Has been in the "partnership" of 40 goals this season contributing 7!
• Macca - Ever present Macca has put his body on the line all season, running himself into the ground for 90 minutes week in week out. Has made people a lot bigger than him look extremely small this year
• Mullers - "Crowd Favourite" Mullers has played more games than anyone else this year. Mr Reliable always makes the tackles, the passes and the runs. Has even chipped in with a few goals
• O'Keeffe - Played centre back, left back and right back this season. Has given his all in all these positions and has even ventured forward this year scoring the odd goal
• Robbie - Missing at the start of the season and dodgy hamstrings at the end.  This hasn't stopped him terrifying defences throughout the league. Has received a vote on YOBL website for Senior B player of the year
• Mick Toney - The most natural left foot in the league, Mick has played left back and left wing. Known for his passing and shooting he has also shown some excellent defending this season. Despite half the season at left back he still managed to score as many as Jordan!
• Stevie T - His shoulders must be killing for carrying the team as much as he has this season. Scoring 33 goals and making many more, his pace has torn defences part. Stevie has proven that he is a natural goal corer having knocked them in with his left foot, right foot, head and from any angle possible
• Yatesy - Probably been our best line of defence this year (not just because he's my boss!!) From a regular outfield player to a cracking keeper overnight, he has made numerous outstanding saves and probably kept us in many a game.

If there is anyone who has played this season and I have missed I apologise.

Well done to the whole Trinity set up and roll on Senior A

KILLER

A fantastic appraisal of the team this year Killer.  The only criticism was you were too modest about your own achievements.  You've had a brilliant first season at Trinity.  For your evaluation you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Here are some more suggestions for awards for your excellent website. 1) Least educated player of the year, there are 2 stand out candidates2) most racist player 3) Most likely to stare at players kno*s in the shower 4) Most likely to start on soft looking students after in the pub after the game 5) Most likely to creepily laugh at non-student hard cases unfunny gags 6) Most likely to wanna dance 7) Most likely to pull a fat bird 8) Worst taker of throw ins 9) Best player at putting it out for a throw in under no danger what so ever 10) Most middle class player.11) Longest team talk 12) Highest pitched team talk. Please feel free to add to this comprehensive list. Below are the leading candidates for the awards:

Mick Toney, Dave Kilsby, Matt Jordan, Nick Bentley, Angus Martin, Neil Higgins, Jimmy Yates, Paul 'macca' McIntyre, Martin 'Clubby' Clubbs, Martin O' Keeffe,

Robert Redford, Barnsley

Some very amusing suggestions Robert.  Check the awards on Friday to see if any of them are included.

Well done to Paul ‘Macca’ McIntyre for the fundraising football card this year which has made nearly £300 for Trinity.  It’s not quite as good as the buster from a few years ago, or Bentley’s Race night (which probably raised loads but for some reason I missed it).  However it made about £300 more than what Martin ‘Clubby’ Clubbs ever raised when he used to be Trinity’s fundraiser.  That’s right he raised f*ck all and was absolutely sh*t.  His golf tips are cr*p as well!

A club insider

Yes Macca did very well with his football card and as always was a major contributor to the off-the field, as well as the on-the-field, success of the club.  However you are probably being a touch harsh on Martin Clubbs who always puts 100% into what ever he does for the club.

What a great season it was for Trinity getting promoted and everything.  Now’s the time to move forward and progress.  With Bentley going skiing for a year in Switzerland they need a new manager to take them forward.  At the next AGM I propose Matt Jordan should be nominated for the manager's job, as I feel he is the best man to take Trinity forward and face the new challenges that they may encounter.

Clubby's dad, Carlisle

Interesting suggestion.  Jordan does indeed possess many of the qualities a successful manager requires.  One thing for sure is Trinity FC Online will keep our readers informed of the managerial developments as soon as they happen!

Trinity were as lucky as f*ck this season.  We were miles better than them.  Their defence was panicky, their midfield was non-existent, and their forwards were lightweight. They’ll go straight back down and we will take their place.

Boy Becks, East Ardsley

You definitely had the better of things in the last game.  However you seem to forget the previous game when Trinity convincingly won 4-1.  Anyhow good luck next season.

Well done to Paul ‘Macca’ McIntyre for combining his secretarial/treasurer duties with his playing role to such great effect this season.  He is without doubt the hardest working member involved in the running of the club and for that he must be complemented.  Mind you that doesn’t mean he isn’t answerable to other club members.  When he presents his accounts at the AGM he should have them properly formatted on a spreadsheet package such as Microsoft Excel, rather than being badly aligned and all over the place as they usually are.  Furthermore he should be prepared to answer questions regarding the figures he presents and should answer them in a clear, polite fashion.  Unlike the way he answers queries about how much subs players owe on a Saturday, when he answers with impatience and contempt the spotty faced c*nt! Also Mullowney shouldn’t have to pay the £2 for training every week as he actually takes the training.

A club member

I noticed Dave ‘Killer’ Kilsby has been chumming up to all the East Ardsley players on the YOBL website.  Is he going to sign for them?  They’re welcome to him as he’s sh*t!

Matt, Leeds

Stevie Travers has had a fantastic season for Trinity scoring half of all Trinity's goals.  In fact if you were to take away Travers' goals from the team I'm sure you'd find that Trinity would have got relegated and not promoted.  The rest of the players should hang their heads in shame at their p*ss poor contribution to the goals tally, with no other player getting into double figures.  If Trinity are to do well in Senior A next season they will have to improve big time.  Stevie's success also matches his modesty off the pitch.  However if he gets big-headed and starts mouthing off about what Trinity should or shouldn't do I would have to revise my judgment of him.  In fact I'd kick his f*cking head in if he started getting cocky, the little Irish c*nt!

A team mate

Travers has indeed been fantastic this season and long may it continue.  He doesn't seem the type to get arrogant and cocky.  In fact he's an amazing calming influence on the Trinity team.

Did you know that you can access your Hotmail account via the new MSN Toolbar? The MSN Toolbar provides easy, one-click access to your favourite services and resources across the MSN network direct from your Internet Explorer browser. Free, easy to use and has many other great features, including a pop-up blocker and a unique highlight viewer. Click here to learn more.

Hotmail staff

Thanks for the information Hotmail Staff.  We have always wanted to stop pop-ups.

** Red Card **

Gardiner bottled it!

I notice Gardiner bottled out of the last two games of the season because he would have had to play against two hard midfields, in East Ardsley and Stanningley.  He’s alright when you let him pass the ball but he doesn’t like getting kicked!

Barnesy, East Ardsley

One thing Chris Gardiner doesn’t do is bottle out of games.  He’s the sort of player who’d play with a broken leg if he had to.  The reason he didn’t play was because he was genuinely injured with a sore foot. You have been awarded the red card for your accusations of one of Trinity's best midfielders.  You're off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

SENIOR A

Just thought I would congratulate Trinity on a great season and being promoted. It was a pleasure playing against you as you are always fair and competitive. Special congrats to Mr Mullowney my teacher who had a great game when Trinity beat us on Saturday, capped by a tremendous individual goal. Hopefully we will both do well in Senior A. 

A McKeown, Stanningley OB

We hope so too.  Both of Trinity’s games against Stanningley were played in an excellent competitive spirit.  Stanningley deserved to win the Senior B championship after coping with such a hectic run-in following their performances in the Leeds & District Senior Cup this season.  For your kind words you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

I think it is a disgrace that someone actually thought I cost us 2 points against East Ardsley [see last week’s red carded e-mail]! Only 3 people performed to their ability in that game and you were quite clearly not one of them.  Looking for an excuse for a poor performance is far worse than me putting a couple of rallying comments on a website.

I hope you have a word with yourself before your next game.

David Kilsby

Strong passionate words Dave!  No team has ever lost a game of football on the website (unless of course it’s one of those interactive computer games).  It’s on the pitch where games are won or lost.  This critical person was rightly red carded last week and is rightly condemned by you now.  Well done for having such a good season, both on the pitch and on your Killer’s Verdict column, and we look forward to seeing you soon!

I would just like to say well done to all the lads at Trinity this season for their efforts so far in getting us to such a strong position in the league. 

We need one final push this coming Saturday against Stanningley to ensure we achieve our goal of promotion.

Matt Jordan (Captain)

Please can you let me know directions to your ground and the address.

Kieley Canham

Yes we can.  Trinity play at St Theresa's RC Primary School, Barwick Road, Leeds 15.  To get there:
From Leeds follow York Road (A64) to Barwick Road roundabout, take second left and school is on right.  

We will put these directions on the Home Page for information purposes for all of our readers.

Peter Ridsdale claims he wasn’t to blame for Leeds going down in this week’s Trinity FC Online editorial.  But he f*cking was!  He spent loads of money and now the club are skint.  And he shouldn’t have sacked O’Leary and Batty.  But we’ll be back.  Leeds! Leeds! Leeds!

Deano, Wortley

Ridsdale did indeed spend a lot of money n his time at Leeds that ultimately has brought them close to bankruptcy.  This meant having to sell quality players like Ferdinand, Woodgate, Keane  and Kewell.  However in his defence he was trying to live the dream.  And he also didn’t sack Batty.  That was Eddie Gray.

** Red Card **

Dear Sir

You may be surprise to receive this letter from me since you don't know me personally. I am Mr Frank the son of Dr Mago, who was recently murdered in the land dispute in Zimbabwe. I got your contact through Network on line in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential transaction which involves a transfer of fund to a foreign account and I decided to write you, My Late Father was among the Zimbabwean Rich Farmers murdered in Cold Blood by the agents of the ruling government of President Robert Mugabe for his alleged support and sympathy for the Zimbabwean opposition party controlled by the white minority. Before his death he deposited the sum of US$ 30Million (Thirty Million United States Dollars) with a Security and Finance Company as if he foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe.

The money was deposited in a Box as valuables to avoid much demurrage from the Security Company. This money was embarked from the purchase of New Machinery and Chemical for Farms and the establishment of new farms in Lesotho and Swaziland. As the eldest son of my Father, I am saddled with the responsibility of seeking a genuine foreign account where this money could be transferred More so,  I must let you know that this transaction is 100% risk free and the nature of your business does not necessarily matter.

For your assistance, we are offering you 25% of the total sum, 70 for Me and My Family while 5% will be mapped out for any expenses we may incur during the course of this transaction. We wish to invest our part of the money on commercial property based on your advice.

Finally, all we demand from you is assurance that you will not sit on this money when it finally gets to your personal or company's account in your country.
If this proposal is acceptable by you, please confirm your interest via email.

Frank Mago

If your story is true we sympathise with your plight.  However we suspect it’s another of those elaborate stories designed to con the loyal Trinity FC Online readers.  Well you haven’t tricked us!  For your efforts you’ve been awarded the red card.  You’re off!  (But if your story is true we sympathise like we said.)

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Heart

This weekend we have a game against Stanningley that WILL decide our fate for the season. As everyone knows there is a couple of big game players out this Saturday. Lets hope the people who come in can show their worth and really put everything into this game.

COME ON TRINITY!!

A Trinity Lover

It looks like both sides have achieved promotion.  However if Stanningley drop any points against Batelians on Thursday then Saturday's game will be a championship decider.   Anyway for your encouraging words you’ve been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

I am a small boy called Petrovs and I hail from the great country of Czech Republic. I hear you are coming to my country next month? If so are you playing football and would you like a mascot? Not only am I a good mascot but a good waterboy. If I impress could I fit into one suitcase for a journey to England? I could continue my duties as your mascot and would work for free. All I request is the man you call "The Crowd Favouraite" to give me a room?

Yours Hopefully

Petrovs

Though the Trinity players are looking forward to meeting new people on their trip abroad they have no intention of smuggling anybody back to these shores.  First of all it is illegal and the Trinity players are law abiding citizens.  Secondly, and more importantly, smuggling people in a suitcase can be very dangerous to one's health.  It puts great strain on your back carrying such heavy baggage through customs!

Ensure that you & your PC remain protected from viruses, worms and other dangers whilst online by following this simple advice from the 'Internet Highway Code for Beginners'. Find out more here.

Hotmail Staff

Thanks for the advice.  Let's hope our readers follow it carefully.

I reckon we should have "Most Improved Player" as well as "Player of The Year" I also don’t think there should be a "Worst Haircut of the Year"

My vote for Most Improved will have to go to Macca. He has been a rock at the back this year

Trinity Regular

Paul 'Macca' McIntyre has indeed been a 'rock at the back' this year as you've put it.  But then again he always has been.  We're not necessarily going to have a Worst Haircut of the year award.  It worked last year because there a few bad haircuts in the team.  However by suggesting we shouldn't have the award you may be implying that you are concerned you may receive it yourself.

Kn*bheads!

We knew you lot would bottle it against East Ardsley on Tuesday.  You looked to be a team of weak characters when we played you before.  By the time we play you on Saturday we'll probably be champions.  But we're still going to go out and stuff you.  First of all we'll win the battle in midfield as you're as soft as f*ck.  Then we'll let our forwards run rings around your defence.  See you Saturday kn*bheads!

Spence, Stanningley

See you Saturday Spence and well done for having such a good season!

** Red Card **

Kilsby cost the game!

Trinity defender Kilsby cost Trinity the game against East Ardsley with his boasts on the YOBL website, which only served to motivate a team with nothing to play for.  As a result Trinity could only manage a draw when they should have beaten them.  Did he apologise to his team mates?  Did he f*ck!  I would suggest he should just concentrate on writing his music review column but he should give that up as it's f*cking sh*te.  Rather than to log onto YOBL's website and wind up the opposition my advice to Kilsby is to either:

1. log onto some porn sites instead and have a pleasurable w*nk   
   OR
2. actually do some work as that is what you're f*cking being paid to do

Angry team mate

Kilsby's comments certainly didn't help Trinity's cause against East Ardsley.  However football matches are won and lost on the football pitch not on a website.  East Ardsley are a team who are up for every game so they were sure to be well motivated anyway.  I'm sure Kilsby realises he was naive and foolish with his actions but he's a young lad with a lot to learn, who's had an excellent first season at Trinity.  He has no need to apologise for his actions.  As for logging onto porn sites at work and having a w*nk as an alternative to logging into YOBL, that is every risky.  Unless he works in a lockable private office he's at a great risk of being caught 'bashing the bishop'.  This could be a sackable offence at his workplace.  For your harsh criticism of Kilsby you've been awarded this week's red card.  You're off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Keep winning!

Please tell me someone got a touch to the 'amazing' goal Yatesy scored against Griffordians?

I can't imagine the weeks of boasting we are gonna get off him if nobody got a touch!

However, he did have a good game. As did the whole team. After the Stanningley defeat it was a brilliant reaction. Lets hope we can keep winning and put some pressure on the teams above.

Dave ‘Killer’ Kilsby

Well said Dave!  If Trinity win their last three games they’ll be promoted.  It’s all in their hands.  Anyway for your positive words you’ve been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

I copped off with Beckham too!

Like your guest editor Rebecca Loos I too have been copped off with David Beckham behind his wife’s back, and it happened only a few Saturday nights ago.  He introduced himself to me at the Leeds nightclub Tiger Tiger and told me he fancied me and wanted to go with me.  I was flattered by receiving such complements from such a famous person but I was concerned because he’s married.  I asked him what he was doing in Leeds and he said he was on a stag do with his mates.  He sounded like he had a Scouse accent but he said he was just putting it on so he wouldn’t get recognised.  Anyway after a curry we went back to the Travelodge where he was staying.  We stripped off and went to bed.  It seemed so romantic but I was surprised at how fat he was.  He said that was because he hadn’t been training for a couple of weeks as he had hurt his leg.  Anyway he grabbed my t*ts and started giving me the finger, as he was too p*ssed to give me one with his kn*b.  After a while he fell asleep.  Despite the fact he was snoring like a train and letting off some right curry f*rts in his sleep, I felt so thrilled to be in bed next to such a great superstar.  After a couple of hours there was a knock on the door.  I opened it and loads of his mates steamed in, dragged David out of bed, held him down and started to shave his pubes.  I asked them to stop but they told me to shut the f*ck up.  Anyway I left the following day vowing to keep our night of passion secret.  That was until all the other birds started revealing their stories to the press and I started to see pound signs before my eyes.  I felt I just needed to tell my side of the story.  Any chance of some money?

Janet Keeley, Belle Isle

Unfortunately though Trinity FC Online are not above printing kiss and tell e-mails, we are above paying money for them.

A few w*nks!

I was in the Pack Horse on Saturday and I was really p*ssed off when that fat, loud bird call Tony won £25 on Trinity’s football card.  Admittedly I’ve had a few w*nks about her in the past but she still bugs the sh*t out of me.  I’d have much rather seen her mate with the stump for a hand win it, as it would have given her a boost.  Alternatively I wouldn’t have minded if Sonia the barmaid (who I’ve also had a w*nk or three about) had won it, as apparently she doesn’t wear any knickers.

A Pack Horse regular

The good thing about the Trinity football card is that everyone has a chance of winning it so long as they ‘invest a pound and select a team’, as the saying goes.

Awards!

Are Trinity FC Online going to have end of season awards like they did last year?  If so what awards can the readers vote for?

Sarah Porter, Bramhope

Trinity FC Online are indeed going to have end of season awards, funnily enough they are going to be at the end of the season!  But seriously the readers will be able to vote for goal of the season, e-mail of the season and guest editor of the season.  Last year some readers complained that their own particular favourite choices in certain categories weren’t even nominated by the awards committee.  So this year if you want to make sure your favourite choices are nominated, e-mail your nominations to Trinity FC Online as soon as possible.

You are sh*t!

I’m the big lad who plays centre midfield for Colton, Trinity’s opposition this Saturday.  You lot think you’re so good because you’re near the top of the table.  But I think you are sh*t.  It was a good job the match was abandoned last time we were playing because we were p*ssing on you.  We’ll play long balls from the back as your forwards can never be a*sed pressuring us.  Our forwards will skin your back six as you’re as slow as f*ck.  And if we decide to pass through your midfield we’ll skip straight through as your tackling is as weak as wet f*cking lettuce.  To combat your threat going forward we’ll just play our usual random offside trap.  It tends to fox your thick as f*ck forwards every time.  See you Saturday you c*nts!

Big lad, Colton

Good luck on Saturday.  May the best team win!

** Red Card **

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Hotmail Member Services

Thank you Hotmail!  Trinity FC Online are well capable of looking after their inbox without your help.  For your lack of faith in our inbox managing ability you have been awarded the red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Trinity resurrection required!

Easter is the time of year when Christians celebrate the resurrection of Christ from the dead after being crucified by the Germans or something.  Let’s hope Trinity can resurrect their promotion hopes, after their defeat to promotion rivals Stanningley has seemingly killed them off.  Anyway happy Easter to all the Trinity players and their families!  Don’t eat too many eggs (Ha! Ha!)

Steve R, Roundhay

Trinity do indeed have a lot to do to get promoted.  However there are still a lot of games to be played in Senior B so all is not lost.  For your Easter wishes you’ve been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Kilsby p*ssed?

Judging by Dave Kilsby’s sh*te attempted clearance followed by an even more sh*te attempt at a tackle that resulted in Stanningley penalty, Kilsby was p*ssed again on Saturday.  Am I right?

An observer

Despite that incident Kilsby did have a very good game.  In addition he also stated before the game that he went to bed early the previous night.

Every game is a battle!

Looking at Trinity’s remaining fixtures it looks as though every single game is going to be a battle.  If they to succeed in these games then all the players will have to compete at their very best. Otherwise the likes of Griffordians, East Ardsley, Colton and Stanningley will walk away with easy victories.

Max Power, Golka

You’re quite right Max.  Every game is going to be a battle.  Let’s hope Trinity are prepared for what lies ahead.

** Red Card **

Dodgy Mullers?

I was present in the changing rooms after the game on Saturday and was slightly worried by the "companionship" between our very own Jim 'Mullers' Maloney and a small child playing for the opposite team.

I came to the conclusion that Jim was very good teacher to this young boy but then when the boy said "Are you showering Sir?" and "Are you coming for a drink Sir?" I started to have some doubts.

Does anyone have any info on this or am I reading too much into it?

Pete Townshend

First of all the correct spelling of Mullers’ surname is MULLOWNEY as everyone knows.  Secondly the ‘young boy’ as you put it had just spent the previous ninety minutes running the entire Trinity defence ragged with embarrassing ease.  Thirdly you’ve been awarded the red card for your cheap, smutty insinuations.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Apologies

I would like to apologise for my condition and first half display on Saturday.

At this point in the season, turning up still half p*ssed on a Saturday afternoon isn't on.

I can assure you of my dedication for the rest of the season, even if that means early nights on a Friday. DOOM!

David Kilsby

It takes a brave man to e-mail a website, that is read by readers from all over the world, and admit his mistakes.  For your part you were not the only player who played below par on Saturday and you were due a poor performance after putting together a run of excellent performances lately.  Let’s hope you’re back to your best against Stanningley.  For your heartfelt apologies you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Hi, as the title of the e-mail suggests I'm a bar man and I often serve Dave 'killer' Kilsby a beverage or 2 on a Friday night, but like a good team player he only has 3 or 4 (by which time he's p*ssed up anyway the big ginger puff) and usually heads home at about 9.30 or 10.00 pm. However I was horrified to find out that he has been playing sh*te and then saying he's been drinking until 5.30am, what a lying ar*ehole. When I drink until 5.30 in the morning and then go and play footie I fight every fu*cker in sight and then come off at half time and throw up and still look less of a c*nt than he does. Anyway I hope that puts straight ' Killers', or, cuddly Kilsby as we call him, George Best rep. So until next time cheers and bottoms up!

A bar man

Wouldn’t it be great if Trinity set up a debating team and entered it into a YOBL debating league, where they’d compete against other YOBL teams.  Chris Gardiner could be the spokesman on issues such as the merits of travelling and being a vegetarian, Nick Bentley would be well equipped to debate any educational issues, Matt Jordan knows his employment law, and Martin O’Keeffe could debate the pros and cons of private enterprise.  Unfortunately the likes of Dave Kilsby and Mick Toney would have to sit and watch, as they are thick and can’t string two words together without swearing.  Trinity would have some great debates against the likes of the intelligent Leeds Medics and Leeds University, in Senior A of the debating league.  While the likes of Stanningley, Griffordians and Wortley would be battling down in Division Five!

Bernard, Moortown

Sounds an interesting idea in theory Bernard but whether all the teams in the Yorkshire Old Boys’ League would be willing to take part in such a league is questionable.  Or should we say debatable!

Hi my name is Tex Ricard and I like to preserve things in cider and I was wondering if anyone on the Trinity website shared my interest. I've preserved many things in cider including dolls, bikes and other things. Anyhow both me and my wife are keen music fans and I would really like to put my organ in cider. So if anyone has an organ and they wouldn't mind if I put it in cider that would be great. Contact me on www.incider.co.uk

Tex Ricard 

Thanks for your e-mail Tex.  By the way you had a fantastic game against Trinity for Huddersfield Amateurs on Saturday.  Good luck for the rest of the season.

Please hit this link and see if you agree that this is Macca!!?

http://www.anderssonart.com/perfor/a_clean/a_clean1.htm

David Kilsby

Interesting picture.  Readers if you have any look-alikes of your favourite Trinity players please e-mail them to Trinity FC Online.

I am creating a Soccer related web directory - http://www.the-sports-arena.com/Soccer/ - and I would like to include your website http://www.trinityfc.org.uk/.
You can submit your site's information here: http://www.the-sports-arena.com/Soccer/form.html.
A reciprocal link from your site would be appreciated. This is my linking code:
<a href="http://www.the-sports-arena.com/Soccer/">Soccer resources</a> - directory of Soccer related websites.<br>

Thomas Lowe, webmaster@the-sports-arena.com

Thanks for your polite enquiry.  We’d be glad to submit the site’s information to your directory as it’s quite obvious you’ve taken time out to research Trinity FC Online and you appreciate that is a hugely entertaining and popular website, in contrast to the next e-mailer.

** Red Card **

trinityfc.org.uk ranked # 32 in Google for astrologer bob mark

Hi there! Sorry for an e-mail out of the blue, but I just did a search for the term astrologer bob mark on Google and found trinityfc.org.uk ranked 32. Since I publish a related website about Society - Religion and Spirituality – Divination (it's strictly informational, so I'm definitely NOT a competitor of yours), I'd like to link to your site.

My site is one of the best resources for info in our category (I think you'll see that my site is pretty clean and high quality, and I only request to link to other quality sites for exchange). Because of this great info, I get a pretty decent amount of visitors...so if I link to you, your site should get some nice traffic as well.

So you know, I've already linked to you and will keep it there for a few days until I hear from you. If you're interested in swapping links for good, please reply back so I can get you all of the pertinent information.

Dora Casso

If you’d done your homework you’d realise that Trinity FC Online is a topical, informative, entertaining website which follows the fortunes of Leeds based football team Trinity and All Saints College Old Boys.  Trinity FC isn’t at all suited to the description of ‘Society - Religion and Spirituality – Divination’ as you put it.  For your lack of research you’ve been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!  You are right about one thing though.  You definitely are not a competitor of ours as your boring website demonstrates!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

He's bangin 'em in!

………..and the goals as well!

 I am of course referring to the housewife’s choice, ‘Bulbs’ Pearson who has been dating a string of ladies over the past two months. He has me in stitches on a Sunday morning with such footballing metaphors as ‘lobbing it over her head’, ‘showing off the dirty tackle’, ‘sliding into the box’ and ‘shooting wide’!! I am truly pleased that after a barren six-year spell he is finally realising his potential and ‘scoring’ with the ladies, not just sitting on the bench and falling asleep.

Thanks to you guys, and you know who you are, that have convinced our little friend that ‘ladies are good fun too’. I feel as though the ‘Barrymore of the Packhorse’ has now departed.

A warning to you ladies – he doesn’t always ‘wear his boots’ if you now what I mean. Keep it safe kids.

Dr Vernon Coleman

It’s great to see that Trinity favourite Robbie Pearson is finally getting his personal life back on track, just as he’s getting back to his best form on the football pitch.  It’s a shame his progress is constantly interrupted by injury.  Anyway for your words of praise you’ve been awarded e-mail of the week!

Yes Please!

I would like to put myself forward for the slut who e-mailed last week. I am a stunning lad with good ethnic views and will happily exchange STD's? I don't do relationships so we can meet up but I insist on us not talking!

We will also have to keep it between ourselves, as I am aware of a Mr Pearson who enjoys listening in and pleasuring himself? I would not like this to happen!

Mr Stringfellow

We’ll pass your details on to the lady concerned.

Your music critic Dave ‘Killer’ Kilsby (writer of the Killer’s Verdict column) seems to be getting a lot of unjust criticism from your readers.  I for one find his column refreshing and his reviews enlightening.  Keep up the good work Dave!

John Craggs, Manchester

I was that lad in the curry house on Saturday night who Jordan chased up the street.  I didn't run because I was scared.  I ran to get the taxi before someone else got it.  Anyway I have a message for Jordan.  Glenn Little did go on loan to Bolton you bald c*nt!

Tom Garside, Bolton

Pleased to hear you didn't bottle it!

A rallying call to the rest of my Trinity team mates.  Come on lads are we prepared for the challenges that lay ahead?  Are we up for it?  Because I am!

A Trinity player

Very encouraging.

Since arriving at Trinity Dave ‘Killer’ Kilsby as made a vital contribution to Trinity’s successes on the football pitch this season.  However I do find it irritating the way he swans around the changing room as if he’s f*cking it, making out he’s hard because he’s been in the army.  Well I reckon he’s really as soft as sh*t and he’d get bullied in the Salvation Army never mind the Soldiers Army.  And if he keeps acting the c*nt I’m going to tell him as much! 

An irritated team mate

Kilsby has indeed been a major contributor to Trinity’s improved performances this season and long may it continue.  However your criticism of him is possibly a touch harsh!

I am looking to join Trinity football club but hear you have several bald players? I too am bald and have been ridiculed for this for many years. I therefore don’t think I will join, as a lot of abuse will be pointing our way from other teams?

Sorry you will miss out cos of this natural problem?

No name given

Trinity do have a couple of balding players such as O’Keeffe and Jordan, as well as players who deliberately shave their hair for fashion purposes such as crowd favourite Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney.  Rather than being ridiculed for their looks these players are in fact admired for their play.  So think again before you turn your back on this great club.   Though as you seem to be lacking in character, demonstrated by your aversion to a bit of stick, they may be better off without you!

Still waiting for Killer’s Verdict to review a band I’ve heard of!

Sally Armitage, Bramhope

Maybe you should follow Kilsby’s advice and purchase one of the albums he recommends!

** Red Card **

Stamp out spam!

At MSN, we are working to minimise the amount of junk e-mail, or spam, you are subjected to. To find out about what junk e-mail is, how we are tackling it and the steps you can take to protect your inbox click here now

Hotmail Staff

At Trinity FC Online we are working to penalise e-mails like this.  That’s right you’ve been awarded the red card again Hotmail Staff.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I'm well up for it

Hi, I'm an attractive, young single lady who absolutely loves football (so why I've got in touch with you lot I don't know, you see I'm humorous as well). Although I'm not one of these silly girls who pretends I know what I'm on about or who says "Oooh hasn't he got nice legs I'll support them" or "what does offside mean?" I just like to watch it and keep my mouth shut, unless it's to agree with my boyfriends (if I've got one at the time) knowledge of the finer points of the game. I know what your thinking I wish their were more young ladies out there with my refreshing outlook on such matters, rather than all these loud mouthed lesbians who pretend they know something about football but didn't follow a team until it became trendy to do so, like Matt Jordan. Anyway the real reason I got in touch with your website is after Saturday, having watched you play, and listened to what various players of yours, said and did, on the pitch and after hearing the half time team talk I can see you lot know as little about football as I do, but you still clearly love it and for that reason I wondered if any of you fancy a jump, anyone that is except the spotty fella at the back or the divvy upfront with the stupid quiff even though he's quite good looking, actually sod it just anyone except the spotty fella at the back, cheers, hope to hear from one or more of you soon I hope you score lots of points in your next innings, bye

Miss H. Klum

For being an attractive young lady who keeps her mouth shut you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!  

Racist Pig!

Last week's Gardiner’s World confirms the fact that Chris Gardiner is nothing more than a racist, fascist pig who is trying to stir up a class war like Hitler did to start World War Two.  

Dawn, Hunslet

Is he having a laugh or what?

Is your new music columnist Dave Kilsby having a laugh, first of all, all the bands he picks are sh*te and no one whose ever spoken to a girl has heard of any of these sh*te bands that are sh*te, secondly it sounds like he's trying to be cool, but actually comes across as a sad t*sser who doesn't realise that music changes and not everyone wants to listen to sh*te, and thirdly and most importantly he's a ginger c*nt. I'd like to hear the views of other regular readers of the otherwise excellent Trinity website (I particularly like Gardiner’s World, fresh, original, witty and based in the real world) and see if they agree with me that Kilsby’s site is written by his a*sehole. Cheers.

B. McFadden. Dublin.

Congratulations Stevie!

Congratulations to Stevie Travers on the birth of his new son.  Wouldn't it be funny if his son started scoring lots of goals for Trinity in twenty years time, just like his dad is doing now!

Paul Bent, Selby

Yes it would be most amusing.

Answers to a question please!!

Any chance of the answers for that trivia question a couple of weeks ago regarding who were the six players who’ve appeared in every season of the FA Premiership for one club only.  I think Alan Shearer and Wayne Rooney might be two of them but I don't know any of the others.

Phil Masters, Garforth

The six players in question are Ray Parlour (Arsenal), Martin Keown (Arsenal), Nicky Butt (Man U), Ryan Giggs (Man U), Darren Anderton (Spurs) and Jason Dodd (Southampton).  Alan Shearer has played for Newcastle and Blackburn in the Premiership.  Wayne Rooney only started playing last season.

** Red Card **

Damn Right Too!

I'd like to thank the big headed f***er for pointing out that Trinity are not the middle class ponces people have accused us of being.

Jealousy is a harsh thing to deal with but deal with it these people must. Now all we need to do is mould the few middle class puffs in our team to kestrel drinking, p*ki hating, ginger beating hard c*nts like the rest of us and we will have the true respect of the rest of the world

Up the Anarchy!

A Local Thug

Whether the Trinity players are more working class than middle class is debatable.  However to suggest that any of the players should hate Asians and ginger people is well out of order.   For your remarks you have been given this week's red card.  You're off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Play Fair Pearson!

I am writing to vent my anger regarding a particularly unsavoury incident described to me by the perpetrator himself at last week’s game. This particular Trinity player (whom I will not mention) told me that he’d ‘gone through some p*ssy like a Porsche’ – I am led to believe that this is a reference to a pre meditated attack conducted in order to remove a competitor from the field of play. This vicious attack left the opposing player with a rather sore ankle and no doubt prevented him from enjoying an evening of high spirits with his team mates.

Having witnessed the flair and style exhibited by the ‘men in Orville green’ I say that these sort of tactics will only sully the great name of Trinity FC and such tactics should only be welcome in a ‘Sunday League’ style setting.

By the way, I think that it is important to know that this self proclaimed ‘Enforcer’ said that he’ll probably knock back the chance to play in the representative side this week as he’s ‘too f*cking good to play with those b*mmers’ – maybe you should rescind the red card given to last weeks e-mailer – looks like he was right!

Yours ever in sport

Frank ‘Chocolate (box)’ Sinclair, La Minga, Spain

Whether the player you mentioned actually did set out to injure someone is debatable.  He was perhaps just exaggerating on the truth for anecdotal entertainment value, which some people do sometimes to impress others.  However you are quite right to highlight the fact that there is no place for such vicious foul play at Trinity, or indeed in the Yorkshire Old Boys' league.   For that you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

I’m interested!

By chance I logged onto your website and very impressive it is too.  I'm interested in playing for Trinity and I'm known as a tough defender for my team.  Is Trinity a five-a-side team or do they play eleven-a-side with full size nets and everything?

John, Cookridge

Watch out for bandits in Hollywood!

I got a job as a gofer on a film set in Hollywood a couple of weeks ago after leaving my home in Pennsylvania. However, I was mistaken for someone else by a group of RX bandits with broken English who said "have you come before you c*nt" and threw me in a well that was subsequently poisoned.

Despite escaping, I had no alternative but to give up my new movie life and hand in the resignation. As I didn't have a return plane ticket I also ended up having to get the forty hour train back to Penn. It was scary.

Can any of your readers relate to this experience?

M Loaf, Pennsylvania

Avoid complacency!

Well done Trinity for beating table toppers Batelians.  I noticed at the end of the match report that it said ' With Stanningley and East Ardsley still to face, twice apiece, and Griffordians still to visit there will be tougher tests in store for Trinity'.  However Trinity would do well to remember that the toughest test is always the next test.  They shouldn't take their next opponents, Ealandians, lightly.  Otherwise they will come a cropper so to speak.  They have to make sure they avoid complacency and take heed of the old footballing cliche 'take each match as it comes'!

Paul Tonks, Bramhope

Wise words Paul.  Every match is a tough one at this stage of the season.

More intensive training routines required!

I must complement Trinity for being in second position at this stage of the season.  Unfortunately I foresee difficulties ahead for them.  Towards the end of the season there are sure to be midweek games meaning potentially two or even three games a week for a period of about three weeks.  Trinity look to have a small regular squad compared to the other sides involved in the promotion chase.  Chances are players will get injured or fail to recover sufficiently from one game to the next, which will affect their promotion charge.  I'm not sure if the Trinity players have got sufficient fitness levels to recover quickly enough between games in such a hectic schedule.  Perhaps Trinity's fitness trainer, the charismatic Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney, can introduce some intensive routines in preparation of the schedule to come.

Neil Down

Thanks for your e-mail Neil.  We're sure Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney is busy preparing the training programme for the next couple of months, as you read this reply!

** Red Card **

Could we be Leicester?

It has come to my attention that a number of the Trinity players will be going to Prague at the end of the season, hopefully to celebrate promotion?

I am also aware that this group will be lead by Matt Jordan? Lets hope Trinity set a glowing example to all 'professional' footballers and don't get caught like the stupid Leicester players!

A Leicester hater

For implying that the Trinity players may do something out of order which may warrant getting caught is completely out of order.  Imagine what the wives of some of the players would think if they were to read your e-mail.   For your implications you have been given this week's red card.  You're off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Can I have it, please sir?

Hi, I'm a fourteen-year-old Linkin Park fan who desperately seeks an album by a band called RX Bandits (RX is pronounced "A*SE" by the way) to add to my collection. The album is called 'The Resignation' (because their record label told them after two sh*te albums to "f*ck off, you're only doing one more, then resign") and your music critic reviewed it last week. I notice he may be willing to offload. I've got 7p plus a first class stamp. I think this, along with the free drinks he is expecting, would more than recompense the guy, should he see it that the album passes through my letter-box.

Joshua (former 13yr old Poison the Well fan) Button, 666 Heavyrock Ave, Pontefract

It appears that your motto is ‘if you don’t ask you don’t get’ and you must be respected for your brashness in making such a derisory offer, regardless of whether it is accepted or not.   For your cheek you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

I’ve never heard of them!

Though the new music review column impresses me I do hope that Dave Kilsby, the reviewer, isn’t going to ignore mainstream bands every week.  I’m sure the likes of Poison the Well and RX Bandits are very good bands in their own right but I’m sure I’m speaking for most of this fine website’s readers when I say I’ve never heard of them.  Would it be at all possible to review the latest albums of bands such as Busted, Westlife and Girls Aloud?

Sue Melia, Beeston

Pay your way Jordan!

‘Goals pay the rent’ as David Coleman once said (see BBC coverage of the 1974 FA Cup final between Liverpool and Newcastle).  If that is the case then it appears Trinity’s Stevie Travers is subsidising his flat-mate Matt Jordan (Stevie’s striking partner).  Jordan may be doing his share of the washing up and general house maintenance so to speak (donkey work outside the penalty area), but that is never enough to satisfy the landlord.  It’s time Jordan put his hand in his pocket, as they say, and paid his way.  Otherwise Travers might end up skint, and sooner than he might think!

Neil, Leeds

I like Simply Red!

I noticed the e-mailer who was given the red card last week was told to listen to his ‘easy listening Simply Red albums’ after he criticised the new music review column, Killer’s Verdict.  This implied that Simply Red albums aren’t very good, which I have to take issue with.  I’m a big fan of Mick Hucknall and co. and I’ve got all of the bands albums.  My favourite is ‘Simply Red – Greatest Hits’, which I’d recommend to anyone.

Tanya Cleavage, Golcar (Huddersfield)

Simply Red are indeed a fantastic British band.  Trinity FC Online were not in any way trying to belittle their work or achievements.

A true celebrity!

It makes a change these days for Trinity FC Online to have a true celebrity like Jonathan Ross as guest editor.  All too often they have C-list celebs like Zoë Lucker, who just came out with a load of sexual innuendos, or people in the news who just tend to swear their heads off.  Ross showed what a class act he was with a slick, non-swearing, non-sexual innuendo infested editorial.  This I’m sure is what Trinity FC Online’s readers prefer.  Which reminds me if any of the readers would like a sexual innuendo I’ll give them one!

Paul Magoo, Adel

Thanks for your e-mail Paul.  Trinity FC Online do try to bring in the best guest editors that are available!

Football Trivia question!

I’ve a football trivia question for the readers.  Can you name the six players who’ve appeared in every season of the FA Premiership for one club only?

Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney, Leeds

That’s a fantastic question Jim.  Readers please e-mail your answers to Trinity FC Online.  If you’ve got a question yourself please send it in.  We may even create a new football quiz should this be a popular feature!

** Red Card **

Don’t get cocky you c*nts!

I fully share the sentiments of last week’s e-mail sent in by Jonah last week saying well done to Stevie Travers and Robbie Pearson for being selected for the YOBL Rep XI trial.  Let’s hope the c*nts don’t start getting cocky at training and lazy in games, thinking that they’re big time Charlies, as we’ve got some difficult games coming up.  I know what those f*ckers are like!

A team mate

Suggesting that these two Trinity favourites would start getting cocky and lazy is completely out of order.  Their selection for the YOBL Rep XI is just reward for the sterling effort they’ve put in so far this season.  And the selection will not stop them from continuing in the same vein.  It sounds like your comments are sour grapes from not getting selected yourself.  For your disparaging remarks you have been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Trinity’s very own George Best!

Firstly, I must apologise to my teammates for missing last week’s game. Luckily, we still got the result, which is the most important thing. It was 9.00am on Saturday morning when the last glass of white wine was finished and I was well and truly scootered, (an Irish term which means copious amounts of alcohol have been consumed).

It was one of those Friday nights that was only supposed to be one or two pints. I have heard rumours this week comparing me with George Best. I was somewhat surprised by the fact that these comparisons have not been made sooner as regards to my footballing ability and not just because of my occasional tendency to go on benders. I know I will have to fight my way back into the team, but as you all will have witnessed on our last social gathering at the Pack Horse, I don't shy away from a fight!!! I have however with the inevitability of age and the love of a good woman calmed down somewhat in the last few years, and prefer these days to let my boots do the talking and walk away from potential violent confrontations. (Except when a bunch of cry baby poofters start vomiting over Macca's pub and then blaming it on the fact that two of their mates are dead!!! Those two guys probably topped themselves because they had such w*nk steins for friends!!)

I would also like to thank Killer Kilsby for his comments towards myself and Steve and although flattered that he now obviously wants to b*m us would like to point out to him that it is this sort of attitude which makes me and my fellow countrymen, namely, Steve and O'Keeffe (he's Irish isn't he?) feel nothing but resentment for the English. Just remember Killer Kilsby it was you and your like that invaded our country, and just because you say a couple of complimentary things about us don't think you can wash away 100's of years of hurt!! By the way I love it when you play behind me on the right, you’re the best right back by far.

I would like to finish by saying that if this doesn't get e-mail of the week I'm going to kick Jim in the nuts, and how much I enjoy being back after a season out with injury. I love you guys, and the ladies love me!!!

Gareth  

Thanks for your e-mail Gareth.  It takes a brave man to apologise to his peers.  And an even braver man to apologise on such a popular website with such universal readership.  For that you have to be rewarded with this week’s e-mail of the week award, even though it's not nice to threaten to kick someone in the nuts.

I would like to put to bed the shocking allegations from Mullers that I am trying to supply steroids to other members of the team. In your fitness column it suggests that i was trying to sell stereos to get other players fit and in fact these stereos were steroids! This is not true. These are in fact stereos. What it fails to mention is inside the hi-tech tape player on these stereos is a "get fitter, quicker" tape. This helps you get fitter by motivating you with some choice words such as "get to the gym fat c*nt" This shows I am selling STEREOS with the good intention of getting people fit.

I thought I was being extremely nice offering these top of the range gadgets at £20! Due to this slander on my name, I am now pushing the price up to £30 and £35 if you want the tape.  I shall listen to any offers around this region.

David Kilsby

Apologies if any upset has been caused by this week’s Football Fitness column.  However if the column serves to educate just one young player about the dangers of the drugs highlighted then it will be worth it.

Hello, it's Prince Mathew Aku-Mbachu here again. You remember me, I'm the real unlucky b*stard who's got no family left and six million quid in a trunk that he can't get at. Anyway, I want to get a message to Mr Macca.  Please tell him thanks for forwarding me the bank details of Trinity FC to help me with my future as I have suffered so much pain and yes I will put enough money in it to make sure they get to the North East Counties league by 2005/06. No problem!

Prince Mathew Aku-Mbachu, Harehills

Thanks for your ‘thanks’ Prince Mathew.  A few weeks ago you sent an e-mail making a plea for assistance while at the same time dangling a massive financial carrot in the eyes of potential helpers. On receiving that e-mail various members of the Trinity FC Online team suspected it could have been part of an elaborate con.  However this e-mail of thanks would suggest that it was wrong to suspect you of such deviousness.  No conman would ever send such an appreciative e-mail. 

Only two weeks ago I weighed in at sixteen stones, was a right fat c*nt and couldn’t walk five yards without stopping for a rest.  Then I accidentally logged onto Trinity FC Online, like most of your readers I suspect, and came across the Football Fitness column.  Upon reading it I decided to follow Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney’s advice to run three times a week to improve my fitness.  Since then I have lost three-and-a-half stone and I’m as fit as I’ve ever been.  With continued progress I hope to be running in the Leeds Marathon next year.  Thanks for your advice Jim.  You’re the best!

Roland Browning, Wakefield

We’re pleased with your progress Roland.  The Football Fitness column has proved to be a resounding success so far!

Well done Stevie Travers and Robbie Pearson for being selected for the YOBL Rep XI trial.  Travers deserved his selection based on all the goals he’s scored this season.  And the YOBL selection committee must be applauded in their selection of Pearson.  It’s good to see there’s still a place in their squad for a winger who can cut inside, blast the ball wide and then spend the next ten minutes telling his team mates to f*ck off!

Jonah, Yorkshire Bank

It’s good to see two Trinity players get selected for the trial.  Let’s hope they perform to their full potential!

As a valued customer, we want to remind you if your MSN® Hotmail® e-mail account goes over the 2 MB storage limit, it will automatically be frozen. This means you will not be able to send or receive any new messages, and all messages sent to you will bounce back without notification.
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Hotmail Member Services

Thanks for your advice Hotmail Member Services.  It is a Trinity FC Online policy to delete all messages from our Hotmail account as soon as we publish them on the website.  Hopefully our readers will also take heed of your recommendations.

Following on from last week's e-mails regarding Trinity's training I have a suggestion.  I suggest the trainer brings back the drill where half the squad runs hard for thirty seconds then rests as the other half of the squad runs for thirty seconds.  This is then repeated 4-5 times.  This form of interval training would only take about ten minutes of the session and would improve the speed endurance of those participating.  Transferring this improvement to the football pitch on a Saturday would see Trinity's ability to compete with the opposition and their capacity to support the forwards improve.

Dave Sexton

Thanks for your suggestion Dave.  You really appear to know your stuff.  We'll pass this onto Trinity trainer Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney

I play for Stanningley…blah, blah, blah…we’re going to stuff you easy….blah, blah, blah….and kick your heads in…..etc, etc,

Someone from Stanningley

We’ll see what happens on Saturday …etc

** Red Card **

Poison the Website

So 'Poison the Well' have finally released an album after four years chopping bits off other band members and changing them for goats’ heads have they? I'm not altogether happy that Trinity Online's resident music critic is entirely impartial on this one. "Explain!" I hear you cry in your thousands.

Well, from what I'm led to believe, this column was dreamt up by Mr Kilsby himself and, some have gone as far as to say, forced upon the editorial team as "a good idea for a feature" even though it bears no resemblance to any Trinity related activity. The first album he reviews is from a band whose fame has eluded quite a few of us. It's their first album for four particularly turbulent years and yet this album just so happens to be the best thing to happen to music since Ozzy Osbourne's pet bat dipped its head in a bowl of ketchup. Now, if you look at the cost - at £6.99 it is £5.04 over the odds for an album of this particular genre - you may get an idea where I'm heading with this. But if it needs spelling out, take a look at the record company name - 'Trust Kill'. Yeah trust Dave Killer Kilsby indeed.  It's his own bloody record label!!

It will be a classic for years alright - a classic con. Do something about this immediately Trinity Online. This legendary website should not be used for personal gain.

(Oh and can you ask fitness guru Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney: "are zombies good for your health?")

Disgruntled, Dewsbury

Have you considered that Poison the Well’s new album might be a musical masterpiece due to the fact that they’ve spent four hard years working on it?  Probably not because it’s clear you haven’t listened to it!  Just because you’ve never heard of them does not make them a bad band.  Your blind views are bad enough but to accuse our new columnist, Dave ‘Killer’ Kilsby, of trying to deceive our readers is disgraceful.  For that you’ve been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!  Dwell on that as you listen to your easy listening Simply Red albums!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Thank you Trinity!

I would like to thank the Trinity Lads, especially Gareth and Stevie T. When I first joined Trinity I was very blinkered in my views of Ethnic minorities such as the Scottish and Welsh. I still hate these foreign f***ers and think they should be cut adrift of my beautiful country that is England but, thanks to Gareth and Stevie, I no longer have these same issues with the Irish. If only the tw*ts North of the border and the sheep sh*gging welsh c**ts would follow the same methods as these two lads, the UK would be a happier place.

David Kilsby

Though Trinity FC Online doesn’t necessarily agree with your views on our British neighbours we are impressed with your changing attitude towards our Irish friends.  Such a positive change in outlook can only be rewarded with our e-mail of the week award.

I watched Trinity’s last game against Yorkshire Bank II and though I was impressed with some of their football I was slightly concerned with their apparent lack of fitness.  It appeared that they couldn’t support their forwards in the match quickly and constantly enough.  As a result they struggled to attack in numbers and so only managed a 1-0 victory, against a team they should have hammered.  If Trinity are serious in their bid to be promoted they need to be much fitter.  By investing greater effort in training the players will benefit from better results on the field of play.

A regular watcher, Leeds

Trinity’s training sessions have been good and this season with plenty of variation every week.  However if Trinity are to make a big push for promotion they need to increase the intensity of their sessions by including more intense running drills that aren’t always popular with players.  The resultant increase in fitness levels may be minimal but it could mean the difference between winning and losing important games.

A regular at training

Thanks for your e-mail.  We’ll pass your views onto Trinity’s fitness trainer Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney.

** Red Card **

Soooooo last week! 

It’s Thursday!!!  I've just read all the mails.  They are soooooo last week!  tut tut tut

Mrs Gardiner ...Jim how are you these days!

We’ve just read your e-mail and you’re ‘soooooo’ the red card of the week!  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Keep kids safe online!

MSN wants you to enjoy the Internet safely, so we've taken steps to help parents and children avoid potential dangers online. Find out about child safety issues, how we're tackling them and the steps that you can take to stay protected while using the Internet.  Click here now to find out more.

Hotmail Staff

Well done Hotmail Staff.  For finally doing something useful and responsible for a change, you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Hi there all Trinity fans, I have been a keen follower of Trinity for some years now. I try to get to as many games as possible, but when I can't I still like to keep up with your results. I was lucky enough to see you on Saturday, when "we" were unlucky enough to lose, to a very good team I might add. However I was disappointed once again to see one of my favourite players get injured, skipper Matt Jordan. I have always been a big fan of Matt’s direct uncompromising style, the way he will run as fast as he can all the time and smash into anyone, or anything, that gets in his way ignoring several of his better placed team mates because he doesn't compromise for anyone. However I feel that Matt may heave to compromise a little with his warm ups, and realise that a warm up does not consist of merely putting on a woolly hat, then the silly f*cker won't be pulling a muscle every single week, think on you divvy!  Cheers and I know you'll bounce back from last week’s game, because the rest of you seem quite responsible in your approach to games.

Mr P. Fitzgerald, Seacroft

Warming up before games is very important if you want to prevent injury.  However it is questionable whether Matt Jordan’s longstanding groin problems can be solved by simply warming up properly.  But you’ve made a good point nevertheless.

I was in the Pack Horse on Saturday night with my student buddies, when some of the Trinity football team started on us because my friend was sick in the pub.  We tried to explain that we were on the Otley Run because we were so upset that two of our friends had died in the last few months.  However they didn’t listen and carried on taunting and bullying us so that we had to leave.  I found their behaviour deplorable and I bet if it was the Leeds United Service Crew who’d been sick in the pub they’d have done b*gger all!

Tristan Mehew, University halls of residence

I hope your night wasn’t ruined Tristan.  It can only be assumed that some of the Trinity players were slightly upset at having lost their quarter final game on Saturday.

Last week I poured my heart to your website expecting a sympathetic ear for the love of my life LEEDS, LEEDS, LEEDS, and what do I see at the end of what I thought was a sympathetic reply "you have been awarded our e-mail of the wek", the f*cking wek are you taking the p*ss or what, because you don't want me coming down to watch your games wek in wek out and when you start losing, which will be sh*t loads if me and the lads start coming down, and instead of what we do at LEEDS when their losing where we go " O'Leary O'Leary", we'll be going "O'Keefe, O'Keefe", and you'll all be sh*tting it then, you Wekers

Mugsy 

I read last week’s e-mail regarding which Trinity player had the hardest kick in the team with great interest.  As a result I’ve decided to send in a humorous e-mail regarding which Trinity player does the biggest sh*t.  It could be Stevie Travers or Gareth Curran as they eat a lot of bacon and cabbage, because they are Irish!  Alternatively it could be business man Martin O’Keeffe, as he could be eating all the baked beans that he is buying in for his new café venture!  It would be extremely funny however if it was Chris Gardiner, because as well as doing the biggest sh*t he also talks the most sh*t!

Rob McDonnell, London

Thanks for your humorous e-mail Rob.  It had all the Trinity FC Online team in stitches.  Readers if you’ve got funny e-mails, send them in now.  Because we certainly need them!

I play for Yorkshire Bank II, the team Trinity are playing on Saturday.  I’ve heard on the grapevine Trinity have a few injuries.  Whether that’s the case or not is immaterial.  Every time Trinity have a shot our keeper will be indulging in his ‘savings’ and we definitely won’t be ‘loaning’ out the ball to you.  We’re going to ‘call in our overdraft’ so to speak ‘with interest'!  Basically what I’m trying to say, through clever use of bank terminology, is that we’re going to beat you easy you b*stards!

Jonah, the big centre back

It's debatable whether you have used 'clever use of bank terminology' as you put it, to make your point.  However we’ll see what happens on Saturday!  Good luck Jonah!

** Red Card **

Re: trinityfc.org.uk

I am creating a web directory, The-Insight.com, and would like to include your website Trinityfc.org.uk under the "spirituality/dreams" category. Log onto our site if you wish to be added.  We shall put all our efforts into having your link up in less than 24 hours; and if you find our site useful for your visitors, please add a reciprocal link.

Link Back : <a href="http://www.the-insight.com"> The-Insight.com </a> - A Spirituality Web Directory.

Thank you very much.

James T. Monaghan, Webmaster

It appears by looking at the contents of your web directory that you thought Trinity FC Online was a religious website, because of the word ‘Trinity’ in our title.  A little bit of exploration on your part would have told you that we are in fact the most informative, humorous, most cutting edge website in the Yorkshire Old Boys’ League.  For your lack of research you have been awarded this week’s red card of the week.  You’re off!  And no we do not wish to be included in your "spirituality/dreams" category as you put it!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Tw*ts!

I tell you what those Leeds players who wouldn’t take a pay cut make me f*cking sick. It made me think the other day when my mate said he would crawl over broken glass to play for Leeds, hopefully not in goal though because his hands would be f*cked after that, that these players are a fucking disgrace. Me, me mates Lardy, C*ntface, Jug ears, Strangely Brown and Foxy all agreed that we would play for Leeds for nothing, I mean the fact that we are all over 40 fat as f*ck and haven't played football ever or not for years shouldn't matter, except for Foxy who kept Batty out of the Leeds City Boys team for 6 months when he was 12 by locking the door, and still goes on about how he was better than him even though Batty still plays in the Premiership and Foxy weighs about 20 stone doesn't matter because Leeds is our blood innit so if your reading this Eddie Gray think on, we'll play for f*ck all us.  But if you want to pay us sh*t loads, even better cos we are LEEDS LEEDS LEEDS LEEDS LEEDS LEEDS!

Mugsy

PS is this the right site my bessie mate Dave 'Killer' Kilsby told me to send it here.

Thanks for your e-mail Mugsy.  It sounds like Leeds United need their players to show the same zeal and commitment as you and your friends, if they are to survive in the Premiership.  For your passionate e-mail you’ve been awarded this week’s email of the week!

I’m an obese pretzel eating American whose just over in England on vacation, visiting my much skinnier relations.  Anyway I’ve been watching that funny little English game called soccer and I’ve been really impressed at the way some of those players can really punt the ball up the field.  I was just wondering which of the Trinity players has the best stats for field length with their kicks?  I’d imagine it’s the guy known as Clubby as he looks like a big f*cker with a lot of strength in his legs!

Chuck McShane, Texas

As such Trinity don’t keep ‘stats for field length’ as you put it, as they simply can’t afford the necessary technology required to do such calculations.  However if Trinity did you shouldn’t assume that it’s necessarily the biggest players who have the biggest kicks.  In fact Mick Toney, who is the smallest member of the current squad would probably record the best stats.  Though small his timing and technique are excellent.  Whether the ball is moving or stationary he can strike the ball equally as hard.  It’s a bit like hitting the ball with a golf club.  ‘It’s not the power of the swing that matters, it’s the technique’ as Trinity FC Online’s golf expert Martin ‘Clubby’ Clubbs might say.

In reply to last week’s e-mail of the week sent in by PRINCE MATHEW AKU-MBACHU, I’ll help him out if he likes.  By all accounts all I’ve got to do is hand over my bank details and within a few months I’ll get a £1 million +.  Sounds like a piece of f*cking p*ss.

C. Leek-Hunt

Maybe it sounds a bit too easy.  Just remember there's no such thing as a free lunch!

They send them to everyone!

Why do you keep publishing e-mails from the Hotmail Staff?  Don’t you realise they send those same e-mails to everyone with an e-mail account? 

Sue Crabbe, Bradford

Trinity FC Online treat each e-mail on its own merits.  It is entirely up to our e-mailers who else they send their e-mails to and doesn’t affect whether we publish it or not.

We may be called St Nicholas but with a bit of luck it’ll be the Trinity defenders who’ll be handing out the presents on Saturday (for the thick readers St Nicholas is another name for the myth that is Santa Claus who gives out presents at Christmas), when we play them in the cup.  They’re due a few f*ck ups!  And if they think they can intimidate us before the game by talking about someone called Tozza and claiming they've had big sh*ts they'd be wrong!  We’ll also kick the f*ck out of them and thrash them etc.

Damian ‘Bomber’ Kane, St Nicholas

** Red Card **

Who's Boss?

I was on the sideline watching a delightful performance by the Trinity Boys on Saturday. To my dismay, the first half was ruined by one person. This person was Martin O'Keeffe. The lads were on the pitch battling against the elements and a massive donkey up front when from next to me I heard "sort it out, that's sh*t"

I would like to point out that is was a solid, battling performance from the boys and for this bald lunatic not to see this only made me think "is he the boss?"

Later on in the match I realised he wasn't and decided to heckle him while he was on the pitch.

This man must be stopped from shouting when on the sideline, as I am sure there will be many more times!

Man with Dog

Trinity legend Martin O’Keeffe may well have been guilty of being overly excited with his ‘advice’ but two wrongs do not make a right!  You were just as wrong to heckle him when he was on the pitch.  As a result you have been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

You need to know this – help!

I NEED YOUR HELP URGENTLY .

My name is Prince Mathew Aku-Mbachu, a Sierra Leonean refugee residing in one of the European countries under the United Nations refugee status with my kid sister Agatha. I am 24 years old and i got your contact through an email web directory on the internet and decided to approach you for HELP. My late father, Chief Alex Aku Mbachu, was one of the prominent Gold, Diamond and Timber dealers in my country. He was also one of the paramount chiefs before he was brutally murdered in cold blood on the 6th of January, 1999 alongside my three elder brothers and a sister by the rebels of R.U.F loyal to one of the tyrants (late fodeh sankoh) in my country (SIERRA LEONE).I got home from school to find that my family was eliminated and our entire country home and belongings razed down, unfortunately my mum could not stand the shock of the tragic loss and she died of heart failure, fortunately   I managed to escape to Europe with my 19 year old sister through the help of some kind hearted missionaries. However, before the tragic incidents my late father deposited the sum of SIX MILLION US DOLLARS ($6,000,000) as a family Valuables and belongings in two trunk boxes with a Security and finance Company here in Europe and i have the CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT . Now, although the true contents of cash money is not known by the company as the boxes were deposited as family valuables by father. Hence, because of my political status I need a reliable and trustworthy person who will make the claims of the boxes as beneficiary of the consignments as my late dad's foreign partner and importantly after the claims have been made would see to the wise investment of the funds on our behalf without faulting because i have been made to understand that as a refugee i am not permitted by the UN LAWS to handle such transactions, and besides my movement is restricted as a refugee. My sister and i are willing to give you 27% of the total sum if you will be willing to assist us in this matter. In addition, we have also agreed to deduct 3% after the collection of the boxes to cover any expenses incurred during the duration of this transaction

We are willing to entrust our share of this money into your hands if you can be honest with me as you very much know that our future is hinged on this funds. If you find it in your heart to render undying assistance to my sister and I as we have suffered so much pain and agony please get back to me promptly through my below so that we can discuss the finer details of making this transaction safe and successful. I will equally insist that you make this transaction a very private and confidential matter. Upon your acceptance, I will make available relevant documents and information to you with regards to the consignments that will enhance the successful and 100% risk free finishing of this transaction.

I am looking forward to your anticipated co-operation and reply soonest. Warm regards

On the surface of it this e-mail appears to be one big con as highlighted on the  TV programme McIntyre Undercover, no relation to our very own Paul 'Macca' McIntyre.  However it could be that you do indeed find yourself in an unfortunate predicament and that you are willing to pay a substantial amount to one of our readers for their help, the amount being over $1.5m.  So for this most generous of offers you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week! 

I'm p*ssed off!

I really have to question RKS (Robert Kilroy-Silk) from last week

  "have a good week ! and watch out for those chinkies, you cant f*cking trust them"!!!

I trusted them this evening with my special fried rice order and  when I got home I found out that it actually was special fried rice. I could have save 28 minutes of worry by just ignoring RKS's advice. I'm proper p*ssed off now!

Eamonn Kissane

It might have looked like special fried rice but did it taste like special fried rice?

Football Team

In response to the Select XI football team ( a Premiership team with a maximum of one player from any side), mine is as follows :

GK - Friedel (Blackburn)
DR - Carr (Spurs)
DL - Delaney (Villa)
CB - Southgate (Borough)
CB - Hyppia (Liverpool)
ML - Duff (Chelsea)
MR - Malbranque (Fulham)
MC - Okacha (Bolton)
MC - Scholes (Man Utd)
FW - Henry (Arsenal)
FW - Shearer (Newcastle)

David Kilsby, Toyota Industrial Equipment (Northern) Ltd

Good team.  Okacha is in terrific form this season.  Friedel was the best keeper in the Premiership last season.  But isn't Deaney a right-back?

Old sh*te!

The person who wrote to Gardiner’s World last week (see last week’s Gardiner’s World column) was well out of order saying there were no more working class players at Trinity anymore.  What about the likes of John Rogers?  Mind you he was right about one thing, Gardiner’s World does print any old sh*te!

Stee, Leeds

John Rogers is indeed working class along with a few more of the current crop of Trinity players.  Regarding Gardiner’s World printing ‘any old sh*te’, as you put it, you cannot argue with the fact that it is always entertaining ‘old sh*te’!

Flaming middle class!

The letter sent into Gardiner’s World last week was spot on.  Trinity have gone all middle class.  Mind you that is indicative of football as a whole in Britain, since football became ‘fashionable’ due to the launch of SKY TV and the emergence of David Beckham.  With the prices to get into football grounds these days being extortionate and the cost of football boots and shinpads ever on the increase, it’s only the flaming middle class who can afford to pursue football as a hobby these days.

Kev M, Scothall

Football has become a costly business these days.  You only have to look at the crippling financial problems Leeds United are facing to realise that!

Breakfast order!

In anticipation of gigantic queues appearing at the soon to be opened O’Keeffe’s Café, I was wondering if I could put in my order now via the Trinity FC Online e-mails page.  Can I have a full English breakfast with extra fried bread and a cup of tea, milk and two sugars?  Cheers mate!

Dave Cheese, Stanningley

Thanks for the order!  Readers if you’d like to avoid the queues at O’Keeffe’s Café e-mail Trinity FC Online with your orders now!

You’ll stuff us!

I play for Ealandians, the team Trinity are playing on Saturday.  Since the new year you lot have been in tremendous form and have won all your games.  In contrast we’re in lousy form and have lost all of our games in 2004.  Therefore I don’t mind admitting you’ll probably f*cking stuff us.  As you’re guest editor John Parrott says, we might end up needing snookers by half-time!  See you Saturday chaps!

Brian Passage, Ealandians

You're possibly being a touch defeatist Brian.  As any observer of YOBL watcher knows it is difficult to predict the outcome of any game.  However you're right in saying that Trinity are in tremendous form, so they will be very difficult to beat.

** Red Card **

Say goodbye to spam!

Are unwanted e-mails crowding your inbox? Here at MSN, we are committed to minimising the amount of junk e-mail, or spam, you are subjected to.

Hotmail Staff

As far as we're concerned you can shove this 'spam' right up your 'inbox'!  You've been awarded the red card!  You've been sent off yet again!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Let's Educate!

I disagree with Matty J in the great debate on YOBL legitimacy. Instead of taking the easy option of removing teams from lower class backgrounds from the league we should take the positive approach and use our education and social status to help their players climb the social ladder. Many players from working class clubs may have been denied an education through no fault of their own and could have a significant contribution to make to the league if given the chance. It is with this theme in mind that I would like to take the opportunity to help James T, from Griffordians, with his spelling and general grammar by using the email he submitted last week:

r.e Matty J, Alwoodly [Re Matty J's email, last week]

In response to Matty J from Alwoodly[comma] who believes that Griffordians should be kicked out of the YOBL because we are not associated with any professional bodies[comma] I would like respond by saying shut up you ponce [I would like to say "Shut up you ponce!"]. [inverted comma]The Griff[inverted comma] is not in Batley[Pudsey] it is in Gildersome[comma] which is a nice[delete nice] little village on the outskirts of South Leeds.  Your[You're or You are] right[comma] though[comma] about us not being associated with any 'professional bodies', but it seems the ones your associated with mostly [those which you are most associated with] are standing [stand] on the street corners outside your ground in the 'working class' areas [a working class area] of Leeds. And as for the rest of your ideas..... sounds like you should join a chess club mate [no suggestions available].

Hope you find this beneficial, James, and please feel reassured that Griffordians are more than welcome in the YOBL as far as I'm concerned.

Rupert St.John-Smythe (Trinity right back)

For your public spirited approach to educating the masses you have been awarded with this week’s e-mail of the week.

I think a "Band of the week" column should replace the feeble "tip of the week" All the well earned money people make could be spent on quality cds and easy listening rather than a blind bet due to there being no tip.

Yours Hopefully

A disappointed music lover

Interesting idea.  We’ll look into it.  Readers if you’ve got any ideas for new columns e-mail Trinity FC Online now!

Normally when I am bored I have a good w*nk.  However after I was nicked last week for performing such an act on the bus I opted to do something else the other day.  I decided to put together my best Premiership team with a maximum of one player from any side.  Choosing whether to select the likes of Henry or Vieira, or the likes of Scholes and Giggs from Man U wasn’t an easy task.  But I managed to come up with this team:

Robinson (Leeds), Carr (Tottenham), Southgate (Middlesborough), Upson (Birmingham), Barry (Aston Villa); Malbranque (Fulham), Gerrard (Liverpool), Makele (Chelsea), Giggs (Man U); Henry (Arsenal), Shearer (Newcastle)

I wondered if any of your readers could come up with a better team made up of different players.  Maybe you could put the teams into the Trinity FC Online computer that you used last year to play the Old Trinity v Current Trinity game.

John Hart, Leeds

Your guest editor Robert Kilroy-Silk introduces the website as being non-racist.  But what about him.  He made racist comments about Asians and blacks in his editorial.  He’s the f*cking racist!

Winston B

Those are serious accusations Winston.  Robert Kilroy-Silk is undoubtedly opinionated but to accuse him of being racist is a very strong statement.

I have noticed Dave 'Killer' Kilsby is yet to be added to the player profile? I think his recent performances demand a good slot on this feature.

MD Killer K Association

Don’t worry it’s due to be published within the next couple of weeks.

In response to last week’s e-mail by Paul H stating that manual workers should be banned from playing in the YOBL, what’s he on about?  Doesn’t he know it is manual workers like brickies and joiners who build the fancy office blocks people like him work in.  And the manual workers also make the pitches he plays on, if he plays football.  Manual workers shouldn’t be banned but he should be!

Scotty, Shipley

There’s no disputing that manual workers perform an important role in society.  However last week’s e-mailer Paul H was just voicing an opinion about their suitability to the Yorkshire Old Boys’ League.

** Red Card **

F*ck off you c*nt!

I have a message for the person who e-mailed last week saying that people who swear a lot should be banned from football:

                            F*ck off you c*nt!!!!

Noel Baxter, Kippax

He never stated that they should be banned from football, just from the YOBL.  For your obscenities you’ve been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

"The Saviour Returns"......

……was the cry, as the pot bellied Alain Robidoux profiled academic limped gaily in through his housemate,s once tidy flat. “I’ve f*ckin done it an I”. “What…what have you done” was the response from his ever-supportive friend. “I’ve come on, swanned around for twenty minutes, you know, showboating like they do on Soccer AM, when it’s come to me……..we only need one goal to get us through this match so in the spirit of ‘Escape to Victory’, I might as well throw in one of my trademark ‘pele-esq’ wonder goals”. “Crikey Rob – not only are you the James Bond of the Pack Horse scene but you also are a real life hero and inspiration to the other chaps in your team or as you lovingly call them your ‘supporting cast’”. “Yeah, well there’s a time when you put the ladies down and sweat it out for 80 mins on a Saturday to prove that you’ve still got it. Anyway I’ve seen the keeper off his line…’over here’ I’ve shouted to our centre half who proceeded to thread a medium paced ‘worm burner’ slightly to my left. With the cunningness of a fox and the deft footwork of a Thompson’s Gazelle, I’ve got the ball under control, megged two of there boys and one of my own, just for fun like, and then mercurially lobbed the keeper from all of 35 yards. Piece of p*ss”.

How I would have loved to see you carry him ‘Cleopatra’ style down Briggate, shops emptying of staff and shoppers alike, just to catch a glimpse of the match winner. Unfortunately I was at the Leeds game, but as Robbie said some of the Elland Rd contingent probably only left early to cast a glance upon ‘the man that could be the difference between Europe and the Nationwide’.

So here’s a toast to the man that can. I am truly honoured to be in his company seven days a week and can only pity you chaps who do not have the opportunity to spend the same kind of quality time with him.

(I am a little puzzled though - he made a strange reference to someone’s car – “That Bentley’s a tw*t – I only got twenty f*ckin minutes”. I wonder, has anyone sold young Pearson a luxury vehicle recently that is prone to breaking down after 20 mins?).

Keep up the good work Mr Mullowney, as Bob Monkhouse once said “People laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian – let me tell you, they’re not laughing now!”

Your friend

Aaron Mycock

Excellent e-mail Aaron, you've been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  For your information 'Bentley' isn't a car, he is actually Trinity's manager!

In response to Matty J from Alwoodly who believes that Griffordians should be kicked out of the YOBL because we are not associated with any professional bodies I would like respond by saying shut up you ponce. The Griff is not in Batley, it is in Gildersome which is a nice little village on the outskirts of South Leeds. Your right though about us not being associated with any 'professional bodies' , but it seems the ones your associated with mostly are standing on the street corners  outside your ground in the 'working class' areas of Leeds. And as for the rest of your ideas..... sounds like you should join a chess club mate.

James T. Gildersome

Thanks for your response James and for clarifying the location of 'The Griff'.  Enjoy the rest of your season!

It's with a heavy heart that I write this letter. I am Bob Monkhouse's WIDOW, and although you did Bob's memory some justice with the excellent Geriatric joke, the fact that he has been dead for over a fortnight means that, even with his "Please llike me" attitude he would have been completely unable to guest edit your publication. This is particularly distressing to me and my family as both Bob and myself WERE huge fans of this web site and Bob often spoke of how he would like to guest edit it and bring his own unique brand of humour to the site, but he can't as he is as dead as corpse, cold, in the ground, flesh rotting. Still all the best for 2004 and eh, I'm still loaded and when I sue you I'd like to see that spotty faced f*cker Macca then trying to get subs. Cheers, and from me until next time never a cross word (that's right I'm with Tom O' Connor now, not as funny but he's got a massive kn*b!

Mrs Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse was a tremendous comedian and person.  He will be greatly missed by everyone at Trinity FC Online who him.  Our deepest sympathies are with you and the rest of his family.  We're only grateful that he did manage to write his editorial, in advance of the publication week, just before he died.

http://www.cheltenham.co.uk/tickets/order_festival.htm

St Patrick's day at the Races.....anyone fancy it?

All those who fancy a day out at Cheltenham Races on St Patrick's Day with the Trinity legend that is Eamonn Kissane, please e-mail Trinity FC Online and we will pass your details on.

I think a picture of the team on the home page would be good.

David Kilsby

If we can get hold of a camera that won't break under the pressure of photographing all those ugly faces we'd arrange it.  Only kidding, it sounds like a fantastic idea David.

I agree with Matty J's comments from last week that certain teams should be kicked out of the league if they aren't affiliated to any professional bodies.  However to only allow players to play based on their academic qualifications isn't such a good idea.  There is no guarantee that anybody with A levels would act in a sensible, responsible manner.  I know plenty of people who left school at sixteen and have worked their way up the ranks of the well known bank I work for (HSBC, once known as The Midland Bank) who always act impeccably on the football field.  It would be unfair to prevent them playing in the YOBL.  Perhaps a better solution might be to ban manual workers from playing in the YOBL, as they bring in all sorts of anti-social habits from their place of work.  It may also be an idea to make all players pass a 'conversation test' before they are allowed to play in the YOBL.  Those people that can't string two sentences together without swearing like a c*nt would fail.

Paul H, Bramhope

Interesting comments Paul, though the 'conversation test' you refer to might require a great deal of organisation and monitoring.  Readers, e-mail Trinity FC Online with your views now!

** Red Card **

We're going to stuff you!

I play for Western Juniors who are playing you on Saturday.  You lot are sh*te, we're going to stuff you!

The fat midfielder who came on as sub who scored when his tame shot went under Yatesy's body, Western Juniors

For your disparaging comments you have been awarded the red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Offer of football matches in Prague - Czech Republic 2004

Dear sportsmanlike colleagues, allow us to address you our offer for sporting groups to the Czech Republic. Our agency has prepared a number of activities for soccer players – from children to old boys. You will familiarize yourself with the beauty of ‘hundred spires’ Prague. You will play friendly matches with Czech teams. We guide you through the typical Czech pubs where the world-famous beer is dished up.  During the stay you visit beautiful imperial chateau Konopiště. You see how Czech Crystal is made. At nights you can explore clubs, bars etc. Sports experience vary the cultural one.  You learn Czech cuisine, Czech standards of living, you establish new sporting friendships.

Come and visit the ‘soccer nation’ who respect and appreciate the English football!!!

We wish you lot of success in the year 2004.

Pavel Petráček, Managing director of AGENCY – PP TOURIST

Wow what an offer Pavel.  Prague is indeed a place of culture and beauty, as well as being a place of cheap beer and ‘clubs’ as you describe them.  For your fantastic offer and your kind New Year’s wishes you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week, the first of 2004!  Happy New Year Pavel!

I hear they cancelled the New Year celebrations in Edinburgh because that fat c*nt Chris Gardiner went up there, boring every Scottish f*cker with his travelling stories!  Only kidding!  Happy New Year everyone!

Paul, Leeds

Thanks for your humorous e-mail Paul.  It’s always good when readers send in jokes.  Seriously though the New Year celebrations were cancelled in Edinburgh, but it was because of bad weather and not anything Chris Gardiner said.

With Trinity playing Old Griffordians on Saturday the issue of which teams should be in the league raises its head again.  For years the Yorkshire Old Boys’ League was limited to those teams linked with an educational body or a professional institution, with pub teams being denied access.  These days it seems any set of ruffians are allowed in.  As far as I know there is no such place as Grifford College.  Furthermore I don’t even think they’re a team made up of old Griffin savers!  No they are actually a team based at the Griffin pub, which is in Pudsey or somewhere like that which is predominantly working class.  Stanningley are another team like that with no affiliation to any professional bodies whatsoever.  I’d be very surprised if any of their players has so much has a GCSE, never mind a degree.  I’m sure there are more teams like the two mentioned.  I would like to propose that those in charge remove such teams from the league and send them packing to the Leeds Red Triangle League, where the rest of the working class divvies play.  I would also like to suggest that each team in the Yorkshire Old Boys’ League is limited to a maximum of two players who haven’t got A level qualifications, or equivalent certification.  This would promote better behaviour and more educated wittier exchanges on the field of play.  Trinity would be alright as I think only John Rogers and Dave ‘Killer’ Kilsby haven’t got any decent qualifications.  And that’s because Rogers could have got them but he couldn’t be a*sed and Kilsby wasn’t really cut out for education!

Matty J, Alwoodley

A thought provoking e-mail Matty which is sure to promote a great deal of discussion amongst the YOBL members as well as our regular readers.  Readers, e-mail Trinity FC Online with your views now!

I was in the Pack Horse when the Trinity players were having their Christmas Social and I was impressed with how impeccable they all behaved.  Their Worthington Cup drinking competition was incredibly entertaining for the regulars, with Angus Martin freakily impressive as he coasted to victory and the witty Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney was outstanding as the tournament organiser.  However I would like to point out that though Nick Bentley beat Gareth Curran in a face-off between the two slowest drinkers that he is still sh*t, though to be fair he is improving.  Happy new year everyone.

A Pack Horse regular

The night in question was indeed a resounding success.  All who attended enjoyed themselves and got home safely, which is the main thing.

What a thoughtful gesture of Trinity FC Online to publish this week's editorial written by Bob Monkhouse, despite the fact that he died before it was published.  It would have been so easy to replace him with one of those fashionable comedians such as Avid 'I am Craig Davies' Merrion, but Trinity FC Online stuck their guns of using classic traditional British comedians.  In fact the use of such comedians who are the inspiration to their modern day counterparts seems to be very much part of the Trinity FC Online editorial policy.  As well as Bob Monkhouse, comedy geniuses such as Jim Bowen, Bruce Forsyth, Jimmy Cricket and Frank Spencer have been employed to excellent effect.  Well done and keep up the good work!

E Large, Manchester

Bob Monkhouse was without one of the true comedy geniuses of the last fifty years.  It'll be interesting to see if the current crop of 'fashionable' comedians can also stand the test of time!

Who was that divvy at the Pack Horse muscling in at the Worthington Cup drinking competition, starting all the races like he was running the show?  He was doing my f*cking head in!

'Make-up' Rich, Woodhouse

The person you are referring to was Chris 'Donny' Allcock, a fine upstanding pillar of the community.  He was just getting into the spirit of things.

I play for Griffordians who are playing you on Saturday.  You lot are sh*te and sh*t soft.  We're going to break all your f*cking legs then beat you easy!

Ben, Griffordians

We'll see what happens on Saturday.  Good luck Ben!

** Red Card **

Learn more about the new look MSN Hotmail!

By now, you'll have noticed that MSN Hotmail has a great new look that will help you get even more out of your Hotmail experience. You can now easily combine your e-mail, contacts, calendar, and MSN Messenger from within your Hotmail account. The new Today, Mail, Calendar, and Contacts navigation tabs give you even more functionality and flexibility in your Hotmail account.

Hotmail Staff

This ‘great new look’ as you put it doesn’t look much different from the old look.  For your arrogant boasts you have been awarded the first red card of 2004.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Best wishes!

As I have been led to believe that this is the last edition of Trinity’s highly entertaining and informative web site before the end of this year, 2003, I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of Trinity’s players, and indeed their families, all the very best for Christmas and the New Year. Remember moderation is the key, and although we all like a drink and a good time lets not forget the religious significance of this particular time of year. So that said God Bless one and all and I hope all your wishes come true, and that Macca and Clubby get a pair of shorts EACH.  CHEERS

C. Gardiner, Salvation Army

What a thoughtful, generous e-mail.  You’ve obviously been brought up very well.  For your kind wishes you have been awarded the Christmas e-mail of the week.

Hi there! it's Greg Clubbs from Panama City, Florida again. Disappointed to hear Martin's surname is Glitter (cool name) and not Clubbs after all, but thanks for getting back to me so quickly all the same. I guess I'll have to mosey around a few more United Kingdom websites to find my roots. I do hope they're half as interesting as this one though you guys sure have a sense of humour. Then again you must have judging by some your columnist's photographs, especially Chris Gardiner! (No offence intended).

Anyway, I think it's really neat that Martin's got a rock star brother and it would be cool to check him out when he tours the Sates. Does he visit Florida, if so what are the dates, and can I bring the kids?

Greg, USA

PS, it would be awesome if Martin could fix us some backstage passes.

Trinity FC Online have passed this e-mail onto Martin and we’re sure he’ll get in touch with you regarding all your requested details.  Have a Merry Christmas in Panama City Greg!

I tell you what whoever writes the Trinity match reports is as blind as a c*nt, if that’s a good example of blindness. They have credited Matt Jordan with the excellent run and cross that was bravely finished off by team pin up David Guest, who because of his skilled surgeon doesn't care a jot for his personal safety, when in actual fact it was arch creator Chris Gardiner. As a life long fan of Trinity I ask the writer of match reports to watch the game through his or her eyes (if it is a her that would explain a few things), not to watch the game through their a*se. Cheers.

Neville, Roundhay

Thanks for that Neville.  We’re assuming you are referring to the first goal scored against Sandal.  The appropriate match report will be amended.

Alright "Trinity", I've been through your web site and it's as f*cking shit as your team, who we will give a right royal old b*stard team stuffing to on Saturday. What with your policy of starting with 10 players, your shitty 4-4-2 formation that clearly doesn't work, those f*cking divvy Siamese twins and centre back, and some little gay f*cker poncing about upfront or at left back, you’re sh*te! Plus I've heard you've got some benders’ Christmas party on Saturday; I bet none of you get a sniff with any birds. See you Saturday c*nts.

B. Peel, Centralians

Can I have email of the week this week?

Eamonn Kissane, Bristol

As much as Trinity FC Online would love to give one of Trinity’s most loved ex-players the award, unfortunately there were more deserving e-mails this week.  In fact practically all of them were more deserving.  However we can wish you a merry Christmas.  Merry Christmas Eamonn!

After watching Trinity's victory over Yorkshire Bank II I still think 4-4-2 is the best formation for them.  The current midfield gives shape to the side and is also well capable and hard working enough to deal with teams who play with five men in midfield.  However I am concerned that the defence don't cover each other effectively enough.  For example if the ball gets played past the left back by the opposition winger there should be central defender quickly in there to sweep things up.  Don't get me wrong I am not advocating a specific sweeper system but I do think that all the defenders should be able to cover for each other, after all there is four of them.  Anyway Merry Christmas Trinity FC Online!

An analytical observer, Leeds

Good analysis, you're obviously an experienced well-informed football observer.  And Merry Christmas to you too!

** Red Card **

I don't even get invited to the gay weddings!

According to Paddy C's email last week, Martin Barrett’s wedding was made all the more special by the appearance of three Trinity players who really made an effort to entertain and speak to all the guests. He also mused that Jimmy Yates probably wishes he'd invited them to his wedding, the c*nt.

‘I was at Martin Barrett's wedding the other day and what made it such a special occasion was the appearance of Trinity players Paul 'Macca' McIntyre, Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney and the large headed Chris Gardiner. They really made an effort to entertain and speak to all the guests.’

What I'd like to know is why the f*ck no one got invited to Jim and Chris' wedding? (We all knew they were benders though!)

A player who doesn't' get invited to weddings much, Leeds

Do your homework.  First of all they’re not married, so there wasn’t a wedding to be invited to.  Secondly as many a girl can testify, and there’s some good looking ones as well, they are most certainly not ‘benders’ as you put it.  And if they were what would be the problem in today’s modern world.  For your non-PC bigoted comments you have been awarded this week’s Christmas red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Golf Pants

What a f*$king waste of time Golf Clubbs is. Why do you bother publishing it if Martin "my handicap is mental only" Clubbs only gives us one tip a month, then on the fourth he gives one of the tips he has already given (I use the word "tips" in the loosest possible terms). We've already f*$king had "Don't swing harder, don't bother swinging at all". Is that all were going to get and, if so, can I now consider myself a fully trained golf pro like Dave Kilsby? Or more likely, is this feature a complete farce? And why isn't Kilsby giving the tips anyway? Why also did Clubby get a column when we knew from his post as Social Secretary it would be a disaster? Chris Gardiner may talk total drivel on his page but at least he talks and as bad as Macca's feature is he never puts the same thing in twice - he just doesn't bother putting anything in at all.

And don't red card this e-mail either. It should be made e-mail of the week with the following reply:

‘Thanks for your e-mail Sandy. You're quite right, Martin Clubbs doesn't know his a*se from his fairway, we've got rid of him and his feeble feature.’

Sandy (Lyle, Mr)

Whilst in the local Asian shop the other day I decided to put my loose change in the disabled and blind box, a rather generous gesture I thought, as I believe it must be terrible to be afflicted by both of those conditions at the same time.  And the remarkable thing is those brave people who are suffering from the condition still turn out regularly in Trinity’s defence every Saturday.  Only kidding!  Happy Christmas to all your readers!

Tony, Leeds

Thanks for your Christmas greetings Tony.  You have a fantastic sense of humour.  And you are also right about the disabled and blind people.  They are indeed very brave!

Memo to Greg Clubbs, Florida:

Without wishing to pour cold water on your genealogy search I regret to inform you that "Clubbs" is not my real surname. I merely chose the name to fit the title my regular and immensely informative golf tips column. My actual surname is Glitter and I am the brother of a well-known recording artist over here. Thanks for your email but I prefer to reply through our website (unless you would like tickets for one of our kid's gigs when he tours the States next Spring after completing the Thailand leg, if so email the site).

Sorry for creating an unnecessary diversion for you and please accept my best wishes with the rest of your search.

Martin "Clubbs" Glitter, Leeds

Well you’re definitely the ‘leader of the gang’ when it comes to golf tips columns, Martin!

One has got to admire England’s World Cup winning kicker Jonny Wilkinson for the way he selflessly acknowledged the efforts of his team mates, insisting that everyone in the side contributed equally to the cause, despite the fact it was he who scored practically all the points which brought England victory in the World Cup.  Compare this to Trinity forward Stevie Travers who seems to think that just because he has scored most of the Trinity goals that it is all down to him alone.  And I suspect he even looks down on his teammates.  Come on Travers be like Jonny and praise the contribution of your less talented teammates in public!

Tom, Leeds

There is no evidence to suggest Travers look down on his team mates as you put it, or indeed that he thinks his goal scoring success is purely down to himself.  But you are right about Jonny Wilkinson.  He is a class act with the rest of England’s World Cup winning rugby union team.  Trinity FC Online would like to say well done to the England Rugby Union team on their success!

I notice half the current Trinity squad haven’t got player profiles on your sh*t website.  Try keeping up to date like your rival YOBL teams websites!

A regular reader of YOBL websites

It is quite apparent after watching Trinity's game against Sandal that 4-4-2 is the best formation for them.  It's balanced both centrally and on the wings allowing for sufficient support for the forwards, as well as sufficient cover at the back.   Keep employing the 4-4-2 formation Bentley!

An analytical observer, Leeds

You're quite right.  4-4-2 does offer good balance, though you must remember it's down to the players to make the formation work for them!

I'm a fairly new reader of your fantastically informative and entertaining website.  However I can imagine that a lot of the humour flies above the heads of your more intellectually challenged readers, as it is so clever.  Only the more intelligent reader will fully understand some of the more subtle, creative contributions.  It is these intelligent people that will find the site the most amusing and entertaining.  The column Gardiner's World is the exception to this, as I think it is f*cking sh*te!

Michelle Pugh, Golcar (in Huddersfield)

Thanks for your general praise Michelle.  In time you may also appreciate Gardiner's World as well, once you become more familiar with it.

** Red Card **

Any sh*t!

Just reading your website and was just wondering if you wrote any sh*t would it get published in your e-mails page.

E Kissane

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Martin Clubbs!

Greetings from the USA!  I wandered upon your web site while doing genealogy research. The browser apparently picked-up on the name of Martin Clubbs in your articles. My surname is Clubbs also and our genealogy traces to the UK so I am wondering if our family tree may have a common thread.

I would therefore like to contact Martin Clubbs for further discussion. Would it be possible to obtain an email address for Martin Clubbs? If so, please respond with same.

Greg Clubbs, Panama City, Florida, USA 

Trinity are going to have to change their formation to 3-5-2 fast if they are to deal with the long ball tactics of some of the working class opposition they play.  By employing a sweeper their markers can challenge the forwards when the ball is played to them.  If the ball goes over the top the sweeper can deal with it.  The present 4-4-2 system simply can’t deal with the long ball!

Paul, Leeds

Interesting tactical analysis Paul.  However the 4-4-2 formation has produced some outstanding results for trinity this season.

In reply to last weeks e-mail from a regular observer from North Leeds, who started, "One swallow does not a summer make". I disagree. I got s*cked off last August, he swallowed and it made my summer, so speak for yourself only in future mate.

A Martin, Leeds

Why the f*ck don’t trinity play the 3-4-3 formation?  It proved successful last season.  They managed to win a few games with it!  Playing a sweeper at the back can deal with the balls played over the defence.  And the three forwards would ensure the other team can’t play any good long balls from the back.  Change to 3-4-3 now Trinity to save your f*cker of a season!

Andy Melia, Leeds

You are indeed correct Andy.  The 3-4-3 formation did prove successful last season when it was employed.  However the 4-4-2 formation has also achieved some very good results for Trinity over the years.

A lot of the top foreign teams play the 4-3-3 formation as it is so flexible and sh*t like that.  If it’s good enough for them it’s good enough for Trinity!

Nelly

It may well be good enough for Trinity.  However you must remember that the game is played at a different tempo abroad with more technically gifted players, so the 4-3-3 formation may be more suitable overseas.

I was at Martin Barrett’s wedding the other day and what made it such a special occasion was the appearance of Trinity players Paul ‘Macca’ McIntyre, Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney and the large headed Chris Gardiner.  They really made an effort to entertain and speak to all the guests.  I bet Jimmy Yates wishes he’d invited them now, the c*nt!

Paddy C, Leeds

It sounds like it was a fabulous occasion.  Let’s hope Martin had a really enjoyable day.

No doubt there’ll be a lot of pr*cks who’ll e-mail criticising the formation for Trinity’s latest sh*te performance.  Well I’m not joining that club.  It’s the players fault, simple as that!

A neutral

You’ve made a very good point.  Players do indeed win games as the saying goes.  However how those players are organised, by employing a formation, also has an effect.  Otherwise teams wouldn’t bother to employ them.

** Red Card **

We’ll win easy!

Why aye man!  It’s Big Geordie Macca from Sandal Wanderers, Trinity’s opponents on Saturday.  While you lot got were getting thrashed 7-0 on Saturday we were beating Stanningley, the favourites for the division.  We’re going to blast long balls up front for our forwards to chase as your defenders don’t know how to deal with them.  We’ll win easy, and we’ll kick the sh*t out of you, man!  I’m not sure if I’ll be playing because I might still be injured man!

Big Geordie Macca

So you think that by simply blasting the ball up front that will be enough to unsettle the Trinity defence.  They’re made of more resilient stuff than that.  For your arrogant comments you’ve been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Dirty Bulbs!

After reading your extremely funny and passionate website I felt it my duty to inform you and the boys that maybe not everyone is giving 100% commitment to the Trinity cause. Let me expand………..

Having been a friend of Robbie Bulbs Wilcox Laurie Pearson for a good 10 years I felt it my duty to ‘re-home’ him once more as he returned to Leeds a la ‘The Littlest Homo’. Now even though the bulbous one has caused nigh on £900 worth of damage in the past two months (see falling asleep in leather chair with full beer bottle dropped down the back or dropping heavy object on laminate floor and splitting the wood), it still is great having him around – or so I thought…………

On the evening of 24^th October, I returned home with my new girlfriend after a romantic night on the mild in Big Lil’s. We were feeling a little cheeky so on returning to the flat we said hi to Bulbinho (who was watching Saving Ryan’s Privates) and proceeded toward the bedroom. After slipping on some Kenny G, lighting a few candles and burning some lavender incense I proceeded to carefully remove her support bra and thick tights and kick her back door in. It got so dirty at one point that she even spat on me – how we laughed about it later! Anyway, needless to say it wasn’t the quietest night.

Aaaaaaaggggghhhhh!!!! Dirty Bulbs!!!!!! ….Screamed my bird on the Saturday morning. She had entered the front room and turned on the TV only to find that it was on MUTE. Yes, he’d been listening in. Not only that, but at the side of the wall was a large empty glass and an egg cup filled with a white substance. It didn’t take Columbo to work out that the little b*stard had been ‘j*cking off’ to the sounds of me riding my missus. I guess he figured he didn’t have to pay for this one!

So what does this have to do with Trinity? Well, I notice that you got beat 4-1 that Saturday and unless Hugh Laurie played out of his skin and you were all crap I think you can wholly blame the defeat on him and his ‘nocturnal antics’. Too tired to bother running I would imagine.

I hope you get the chance to publish this e-mail as it is a lesson to us all – don’t j*rk off before a match ‘cos you’ll be tired and might get beat.

By the way, we are all now substituting the words ‘Michael Jackson’ with ‘Robbie Pearson’ be it in jokes, newspapers or any media – try it, it really works!

Thanks

A Christian Well-wisher

Trinity College Oxford Old Boys Football Club!

Hello, my name is Jamie Fellows and I used to be captain of Trinity College, Oxford's less than illustrious second team. I left two years ago and have banded together TC 2nd FC to form an Old Boys team. We played Trinity College Oxford 2nds last year and although that team tasted promotion last year we managed, resulting in equal measures of shock and delight to win 3-2.

It was a fantastic weekend and the lads and myself are really keen to "tour" to play Trinity and All Saints College Old Boys Football Club. We really enjoy the football but we're not too serious and would be really keen to play you as one of your friendlies before the start of your next season.

It would be fantastic if you could organise something like this.

I hope you can help me.

Jamie Fellows

Thanks very much for your e-mail.  It’s great to hear from a representative of another Trinity football club.  Your ‘tour’ sounds like a fantastic idea and something should definitely be arranged for the start of next season.  Stay in touch and good luck with the rest of your season! 

Chris Gardiner look-alike!

I found a picture of Chris I thought you might like.

Eamonn Kissane, Bristol

Thanks for the picture Eamonn.  The picture is very reminiscent of a young Chris Gardiner.  Readers, to view the picture click here.

Good luck Barrett! 

Good luck to Martin Barrett , the Trinity centre forward, who’s getting married on Saturday.  He’s only been at the club for just over a year, but he’s proved he’s embraced himself into the club already by inviting most of the players to share his wedding celebrations.  Compare this to supposed hard man Jimmy Yates, who’s been at the club for years.  That miserable f*cker didn’t invite anyone!

A player

Martin Barrett has indeed gelled into the great club known as Trinity and it is fantastic to see him inviting various team members to his wedding.  Trinity FC Online wish him all the best on his wedding day.  For your information Jimmy Yates did actually invite some team members to his wedding, so your criticism of him was a little harsh.

** Red Card **

Get a sneak peek at the new look MSN Hotmail!  

Later on this month MSN Hotmail will be getting a make-over. We're updating its look to make it easier to navigate around your inbox, get rid of spam, compose e-mails and organise your mails in folders.

Hotmail Staff

Trinity FC Online can well do without anyone ‘navigating around our inbox’, thank you!  For your tasteless innuendo you have been awarded this week’s red card!  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

I love playing for Trinity!

Playing for Trinity has been a joy this season.  Why?  Not because we’re winning all the time, because we’re not.  But because I’m playing in the same team with some fantastic guys, who are as great to socialise with off the pitch as they are to play with on the pitch. In fact I’d go so far to say that I love them all, but in a manly way not as a queer!

Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney, Leeds

It’s fantastic to receive your e-mail Jim.  As well as being a great guy yourself you are clearly very much a team player.  And for your positive display of love and emotion for your fellow teammate you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Please check this out with Rob McCaffrey & weekly caller Gaz Doc. Catch Gary passing on his culinary skills & discussing his recipes with Rob, Ronnie Whelan, Rodney Marsh etc. Whaaaaaaaeyyyyy. How youuuuuu doingggggg etc!!!!! Good TV.

Martin Barrett, Leeds

So ex-Trinity player Gaz Doc is a regular caller to ‘You're On Sky Sports’ is he.  Thanks for the information Martin.  I’m sure the working class readers of Trinity FC Online who own a Sky dish will watch the show with great anticipation.

‘I feel that 3-2 to Harrison Beds is about the correct verdict’ predicted Neville the YOBL website editor on his website last week.  Compare this with Andy Lowe’s quote from the Lowedown ‘Trinity are more than capable of looking after themselves so the physical side shouldn’t be a problem.  Likewise scoring goals isn’t a problem at the moment’.  Who was proved right?  Trinity FC Online’s Andy Lowe of course, as Trinity romped to victory.  In future stick to match reports and league tables Neville!  Leave the tipping to the experts!

Des, Wakefield

To be fair to Neville tipping the unbeaten Harrison Beds against the ever-inconsistent Trinity was probably seen as a fairly safe bet.  However Trinity produced their best performance of the season to progress into the next round of the Leeds & District Cup.  Well done lads!

Well done Trinity for a fantastic victory on Saturday.  You certainly showed those working class chumps from Middleton how to play football.  If you can continue to play like this you’ll have a great season.  Good luck!

Giles Mason-Thorpe, Alwoodley

Thanks for your e-mail Giles.  I’m sure the Trinity players really appreciate it.  However it’s not very nice to criticise the working classes.  After all some of the Trinity players claim to come from such backgrounds.

I know he’s injured and he hasn’t played this season but surely last year’s changing room loner Mick Coleman deserves some criticism.  Your e-mails page was so much better when that c*nt was getting a bit of a slagging off!

Paul, Chapel Allerton

Mick is still regarded as a well respected member of the club and has provided Trinity with some wonderful footballing performances over the years.  However if any of our readers would like to criticise Mick for any reason e-mail Trinity FC Online now.  Please start your e-mails with ‘I would like to criticise Mick Coleman because…. etc’

‘One swallow doesn’t make a summer’ as they say, and likewise one excellent victory does not make a team who are going to take Senior B by storm.  Yes Trinity do deserve credit for their performance in knocking Harrison Beds out of the Leeds & District Cup on Saturday.  But let’s be realistic.  For a start Harrison Beds weren’t that good, despite what their record suggests this season.  And secondly Trinity have often produced an excellent performance in the past only to go back to the old bad habits of comical defending, tackling like pansies and moaning at the referee like old women when they should be concentrating on playing.  Consistency is the main weapon in the armour of good teams.  Trinity have some way to go before they reach that level.

A regular observer, North Leeds

You are quite correct.  Consistency is the key to any team’s success.  However let’s be positive and suggest that Saturday’s performance can be the kick-start to the season that Trinity really need.

I think Trinity FC Online should replace the betting tips column 'Not at the Races' written by Paul 'Macca' McIntyre, as he never seems to be giving any f*cking tips, with a column called 'At the Races' by Mick Toney, as that is where the little sh*t seems to be spending every Saturday afternoon instead of playing for Trinity!

Matt

Interesting idea.  However young Mick has promised that he won't be missing another match from now till the end of the season.

** Red Card **

Trinity players are big t*ssers!

I play for Trinity.  F*ck knows why!  Because some of the players are the biggest t*ssers I ‘ve ever had the misfortune to meet.  Jordan’s a f*cking bragger, Gardiner’s a slimey tw*t and Gareth is a gobby Irish c*nt!  Don’t even let me get started on supposed tough guy Yatesy and his a*se licking mates.  I’d join another team if I thought I could get in.  A team like Harrison Beds, as they seem like a good set of lads!

A regular Trinity player

If you don’t enjoy playing for Trinity you should change teams immediately for the good of yourself and more importantly Trinity.  You are obviously not a team player and are the type of player Trinity really don’t need.  For your negativity you have been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

A friend in need?

I think Chris Gardiner has over stepped the mark in his latest ramblings (which is what his column has become if I'm honest, although it is with a heavy heart that I use the description). Not because he has stopped being kind to me or indeed for lowering the hither to excellent feature to gutter level with the unnecessary use of swear words that paint Chris in a light that we all know is not a true reflection of his character. I think if Mrs Gardiner were to read his latest piece he'd hang his head in shame after being sent to his room.

No, the reason I have felt compelled to complain is for his unfair theories regarding Mullers and his motives. Accusing Jim of a pre-meditated attack on one of his friends is one thing but to suggest that his popularity is on the wane is an entirely different matter. You will forgive me if I won’t give those sentiments the credibility of a retort. Has Chris forgotten how good a friend Jim is? He may not be aware but Jim has gone to great lengths (royal PR style) to quash the totally untrue rumour that Chris' girlfriend in Scotland who nobody has seen, is actually a male body builder called Gordon who he meets from time to time in Manchester's gay village. He actually said to me at the weekend "please don't give that rumour any airtime it is totally untrue" and as a result I haven't. To me that is being a true friend.

What about the lifts he gives Chris to the clinic (allegedly) after the Manchester visits twice a month? What about the fact that Jim passes to nobody else but Chris on the pitch or the hearty laughs at his generally boring anecdotes when everyone else is stony faced?

Chris do the decent thing and apologise to Jim. Look what happened to Mick Coleman!

S Travers, Whitkirk

As always it is good to receive an e-mail from Trinity’s up and coming stars.  And for your excellent defence of Trinity’s well-respected crowd favourite you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Judging by your website it appears that only three players play for Trinity.  That being Stevie Travers, Chris Gardiner and Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney.  As they are the only players who seem to merit a mention.  Come on Trinity FC Online surely there are other players who are interesting who deserve a mention other than Stevie Travers, Chris Gardiner and Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney.  Otherwise the website is going to end up being boring and predictable, with a total readership totalling three.  Them three readers being the afore mentioned Stevie Travers, Chris Gardiner and Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney!

Devon Wishart, Rodley

Interesting views Devon.  However it isn’t down to Trinity FC Online that certain players are mentioned on the website more than others.  It’s solely down to our loyal readership who send in their e-mails.  So come on readers let’s start sending in e-mails (good or bad) about some of the other players!

Who does Chris Gardiner think he is sarcastically commenting on the comedic tastes of Trinity crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney, in his very much self-indulgant Gardiner's World column?  Mullers is indeed a fan of 70s favourite 'Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em'.  But anybody who cares to watch the endless BBC repeats of this classic will surely laugh their heads off at the endless capers of the main character Frank Spencer.  The excellent Michael Crawford did of course do his own stunts.  I believe Mullers was also a fan of the 70s ITV sitcom 'Mind your Language' which poked fun at the foreigners lack of command of the English language, without at all being racist.  Anyway such shows were, and still are, very funny which should indeed be the true measure of comedy.  Contrast this with the attitude of Gardiner.  He pretends to like the so called modern comedy shows like 'Bo Selecta' and 'Phoenix Nights' not because they are funny, which I'm not arguing with, but because they're fashionable with students.  For your information Gardiner despite your hippy clothes you're not a student anymore, so get off that comedy snobbery pedestal of yours and start appreciating all funny programmes.  After all it is the 70s classics that are the basis of today's 'fashionable' shows. 

Alan, Wakefield (Wakey)

Thanks for your e-mail Alan.  Should all funny programmes be laughed at and appreciated?  Readers e-mail Trinity FC Online with your views now!

I would just like to thank Clubby of "Golf Clubbs" fame for finally clarifying exactly where the nineteenth is (the bar at the golf club!). Every time his gives us one of his valuable tips I go straight down to the course to practice. I start at the first, driving for dough and putting on a show etc. I then proceed through the rest of the front nine, one hole at a time with a print out of the Trinity Online (I didn't mean that to rhyme by the way) home page at hand. Then, after a break for a cup of tea and a ham sandwich I carry on through the back nine spurred on by the prospect of meeting my mentor as promised at the nineteenth for some hands on advice.  But I can never find it. Every single course I have been to have only had eighteen. I even considered emailing TOL and asking him to meet me at the fourteenth or fifteenth or the first if he wants to get off early. That now is no longer necessary, thank you Martin. See you at the bar and I hope you're buying ha ha ha (unlikely).

On a side note, is that rumour about the "incident" involving Chris Gardiner that we can’t talk about true? I for one have suspected it for a while. I bet HE wont be practicing Clubby's tip "NEVER UP NEVER IN" boom boom!!  Scottish girlfriend? hhmmmm....

Sandy Lyle, St Andrew's

Thanks for your e-mail Sandy.  The hole that is referred to as the ‘nineteenth’ in golf is indeed the clubhouse bar!  Regarding the ‘incident’ involving Chris Gardiner we’re not sure what you are talking about.  If any readers can clarify these apparent rumours please e-mail Trinity FC Online now!

Well done Nick Bentley for sticking with the 4-4-2 formation, in spite of all the criticism it has been receiving of late.  Any formation needs time to bed in with the players and Nick was quite right not to change it after a few games.  On the strength of Trinity’s victory against Western Juniors that they are getting use to the system, and it’s all down to Bentley.

A patient fan

Thanks for your e-mail.  We’re sure Bentley will appreciate your e-mail.

I believe Trinity's new defender Dave 'Killer' Kilsby, the one that goes on holiday mid-season without telling the manager until five minutes before kick-off, has just acquires his pro-golf card or something.  If that is the case surely he is more qualified to do the golf tips column than the unreliable Martin 'Clubby' Clubbs.

J Lowe, Bradford

To be fair Martin 'Clubby' Clubbs has given some excellent tips this year which the large majority of our readers appreciate.  Besides which 'Golf Kilsby' wouldn't really work as the name of the column!

For your readers information the Lowedown was spot on this week.  I play for Harrison Beds and we are a dirty f*cking team as was stated.  And we’re not going to clean up when we play Trinity on Saturday.  We’re always more dirty against middle class teams like you lot.

P Harrison, Harrison Beds defender

We’re not sure where you got your information about Trinity being a ‘middle class’ team.  Apparently a few of them did consider voting for Labour in the last general election, and some did get educated in non-fee paying schools.  Anyway good luck for Saturday and may the best team win!

** Red Card **

You lot are f*cking sh*t!

Alright w*nkers! I'm the manager of Western Juniors, you might get this too late for your f*cking gay web site this week but I don't give a f*ck. We're gonna thrash you benders on Saturday cos your defense is f*cking sh*t. You've got some fat bender whose constantly marking two men at right/left back, some mad Irish/English fella at left back, a skinny ginger faggot at centre back and some spotty f*cker who says things like "Offside weferwee" when there are nine players from his own team behind him. So you can attack all you want you benders we'll f*cking stick sh*t loads past you and then sh*g your birds, even though you won't have any cos your bent, and we're all ugly as f*ck cos we're working class. Get f*cked!

W. Class, Western Juniors manager

You were indeed late with your e-mail, as seemingly by the content of the e-mail you’d intended to have it published printed before Trinity’s game against Western Juniors.  However we’ve printed it anyway not only to emphasise how foolish you are as your team was soundly beaten on Saturday, but also to emphasise how low some of our opposition can stoop with their use of threatening, abusive language in a bid to try to rile the Trinity team.  Well Trinity are big enough to rise above such insults.  As for you, you’ve been awarded this week’s red card of the week for your trouble!  You’re off!  Don’t forget readers to get your e-mails in before Tuesday evening, if you want them to be printed in the same week.

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Outraged

Hi, I am, and I don't mean to boast here but I have been told by several people, an EXTREMELY attractive lady. Over the past few months I have got to know Messers Mullowney and Gardiner extremely well, when none of there other mates have been around so they haven’t met me.  And I was outraged by the suggestions made in one of last weeks e-mails by "Mags" that Jim and Chris might be gay lovers, and delighted to see it red carded.  Though Jim and the lovely Chris are rightly secure enough in their sexuality not to be distressed by this comment, I was! The lovely Chris is in a committed and loving heterosexual relationship, and I should know as he told me when I was s*cking him off, and the hunky Jim Mullowney whilst being single for a number of years is never short of female admirers, or stamina, as I can vouch for because he gave me a right good seeing to the other night. My suggestion to "Mags" is that you spend a night with these guys and you will never doubt their sexual leanings again (well maybe Mullers, he is a bit camp). See you again soon guys, and thanks.

A Model

Thanks for your e-mail.  You sound like an extremely nice lady, who any man would appreciate!  Anyway for your spirited defence of these two Trinity favourites you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Why don’t Trinity gamble and put an extra man in midfield or up front when they are losing.  That sort of positive move might confuse the opposition and help them get back in a game.  Failing that why don’t they change their 4-4-2 formation anyway.  It plainly doesn’t work for Trinity, as the defenders don’t know what the f*ck they’re doing!

Baxter Davies, Headingley

Thanks for your thoughts Baxter.  The Trinity formation debate is one that has been going on for years and we’re sure it will continue.

I’m the young bird with big t*ts, who was in the Fab Café last Saturday.  I’m a friend of the ropey bird Tony who goes to the Pack Horse, you know the dodgy one who wears short leather skirts and boots, but I’m not the ginger one with the iffy arm.  Anyway I got talking to Trinity player Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney at the Fab Café.  Even though I appeared completely disinterested, I was a bit tired and tipsy, I found him extremely charismatic and a wonderful conversationalist on such a wide variety of subjects.  His knowledge of English Literature and Classics was excellently demonstrated.  Furthermore he proved to be an excellent listener, I felt he really cared about what I had to say.  He even remembered my name after a few pints.  It was such a shame he left to go for a curry with his mates.  Contrast this with his so called friend Chris Gardiner.  He couldn’t wait to interrupt my stories so he could rattle off travelling story after travelling story.  I’m sure I’m not the first person he’s bored senseless.  What a complete tw*t he is!

The young bird with big t*ts who goes to the Pack Horse sometimes, Leeds

We’re pleased you fond Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney so charming.  He is a true gent.  Though we feel you’re being a bit harsh on Gardiner, who you’ll find is also a fantastic person if you give him a chance!

I’m one of the mad looking brothers who plays for Western Juniors, Trinity’s opponents on Saturday.  I look as though I’ve just come out of Sellafield.  Anyway I won’t beat about the bush.  We’re going to stuff Trinity on Saturday as we think you’re sh*te!  You might score the odd goal against us but you’re defence is so cr*p we’re bound to score at least six goals against you!

Dean Gott, Western Juniors

We’ll see what happens on Saturday Dean!

** Red Card **

I’m a prossie from Prague!

My name is Helga and I am a prossie from Prague.  I gave Trinity player Robbie Pearson, the fat one with the big eyes, the bl*w job at the weekend when he came over on a stag do and he left before paying.  I would like Trinity FC Online to pay for him and give me a small amount of compensation for my trouble, otherwise I will tell my story to your national press and cause the player great embarrassment.  £500 should just about cover it.

Helga Berger, Prague

How dare you accuse Robbie Pearson of not paying for services rendered.  Do you honestly think we’d believe such a story.  You’ve been awarded this week’s red card for your treachery.  You’re off!  Consider yourself lucky we don’t refer this matter to Interpol!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Your website has been approved!

Congratulations Trinity FC Online! The web link you submitted to our links database has been approved right now.

Link Title: Trinity FC Online
URL: http://www.trinityfc.org.uk
Description: The Official website of Trinity & AS (Senior B)
Includes match reports, previews, player profiles, weekly e-mails page and much more.
''The most entertaining site I've viewed for a long time'' Garry Bushell, TheSun
''It''s Magic'' Paul Daniels, The Observer

You can browse our search engine at:
http://yobl.co.uk//modules.php?name=Web_Links

Thanks for your submission!

YOBL Team

Thank you the YOBL team.  That’s right readers your favourite website, Trinity FC Online, has been approved by the official Yorkshire Old Boys’ League website.  Check out our link and links from other YOBL teams by clicking on the link provided above.  And for their kind approval the YOBL team have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week.

If you're fed up with the amount of spam you get in your inbox - do something about it! Reduce Hotmail spam by setting your Junk Mail Filters to the level that suits you.  For more information about dealing with junk e-mail click on   http://g.msn.com/3HM5ENUK/1879

Up to £10,000 could be yours with Instant Win Monopoly online! Just choose your playing piece - the Car, the Hat, the Boot - roll the dice and you’re away. You get eight rolls to collect as many properties as you can and every completed set is worth a prize! But hurry, it’s only available until the end of December 2003.  Click on http://g.msn.com/3HM5ENUK/1891

Hotmail Staff

Thanks Hotmail Staff.  As ever you have sent us some useful links…..NOT!!!!!!!!

Well done to crowd favourite Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney for punching the increasingly cocky Stevie Travers in the head on Saturday.  It’s about time he was taken down a peg or two.  My only criticism is that Mullowney should have punched a few more of the lazy Trinity f*ckers!

Paul, Leeds

As reported in the match report the punch was completely accidental.  They are friends off the pitch as well as team mates on it, and thus Mullowney would never seek to do such a thing intentionally.

I must complement Trinity FC Online on having such a good website.  The match reports are informative and the features such as 'Not at the Races' and 'Golf Clubbs' are excellent.  However I do hope you're not going to continue your Gardiner's World experiment as I think it's sh*te!

Miller Hargreaves, Moortown

Thanks for your e-mail Miller.  However the Gardiner's World column is no 'experiment'.  It's here to stay.  We're sure it will grow on you in time.  In fact the next one has just been published.  To read it just click on Gardiner's World.

Serves him right!

Did Stevie Travers keep his feet on the ground after scoring three hat-tricks on the trot prior to Saturday’s game?  Did he b*llocks!  His recent success had obviously gone to his head.  He turned up late, barely took part in the warm up and ignored any of his Trinity team mates who dared to day hello to him.  With this arrogant big time Charlie approach is it any wonder that he received a smack in the head from one of his team mates.  Serves him right the c*nt!   And who better to administer the punishment than Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney.  One player who despite his successes, on and off the field, has kept his feet firmly on the ground.

Matt, Leeds

Thanks Matt.  Though you are 100% correct about Mullowney’s character we feel you’re being a touch harsh on Travers.  And, as reported elsewhere, the punch was entirely accidental.

Hello, I'm the short a*sed midfielder who plays for Ealandians who kept calling the referee 'Sir' the last time we played Trinity.  You thrashed us last time but it was a big fluke.  We had loads of players missing and we were all out on the p*ss the night before.  Well this Saturday we'll thrash you!

Short a*sed midfielder who plays for Ealandians, Elland

We'll see what happens on Saturday, Sir!!

** Red Card **

Autumn Outing!

Have I missed something, or has Chris outed you both?  I am referring to the Gardiner's World comment 'but we always (and I mean ALWAYS) go home together'. Congratulations and good luck to you both.

Mags, Leeds

How could you make such a suggestion about two of Trinity’s biggest stars!  Despite the fact that you are an extremely lovely lady, blessed with a fine personality as well as classic good looks, you have been awarded this week’s red card for your indiscretion.  You’re off!  Let’s hope you learn from this you naughty girl!!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Gardiner's World - A thank you!

Please pass on my thanks to Chris Gardiner, newly of Gardiner's World fame, for his kind words about me in the first (of many hopefully) instalment of said column. It is nice to know that Chris finds my attitude refreshing with particular reference to my apparent disregard for current fashion trends in favour of concentrating solely on playing football. I would have to agree that I am indeed happiest with a ball at my feet.

However, that is not to say that I don't sometimes envy old Chrissie Boy and the niche he has carved out for himself at the sharp end of trend setting. I have actually considered emulating his technique whereby he gains inspiration from one of the world's leading fashion icons, someone with style, charisma and the level of mass appeal that is needed for credibility.  But Chris had already picked the manager from The Salon.

I also envy his bravery in attempting to pioneer new trends. If anyone can make living at home with mum at 32 fashionable it will be Chris. I've noticed the shrewdness of his character here in that he manages to use this to better his personal presentation - that pink short-sleeved shirt is always perfectly ironed every Saturday night and no matter how often he wears those "Kriss Kross will make you jump jump" baggy jeans, they're always pristine. There's even the option of borrowing Dad's old leather jacket (circa 1973) for that retro look.

Yes Chris, thanks once again but don't be fooled by my "devil may care" outlook - I won't turn down any tips from the master!!

Stevie T, London

Thanks for your e-mail Stevie.  We’re pleased you enjoyed the first Gardiner’s World column.  And well done for your achievement of scoring hat-tricks in three consecutive games.  For your kind words and your achievement you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Hi there Trinity players and readers, as you may have gathered from the title I am a Doctor, and if you didn’t work that out you're thick that’s my diagnosis! I'm a thoroughly big fan of both your witty and informative website, and your teams open attractive style of play.  I'm a particularly big fan of your NORMAL head sized midfielders column Gardiner’s World. I bet he's a bit of a ladies man. Anyway the reason for my e-mail is really a professional matter, it's to do with your full back Martin O'Keeffe.  I couldn’t help noticing on the last few occasions that I have watched Trinity play that Martin is under the illusion that he has two or three men to mark all the time, when in actual fact he has either one or no one at all. My professional opinion is that he is as mad as f*ck, a complete raving loon! I hope that’s a help guys, and because I'm such a huge fan that professional info is free. Good luck guys!

A doctor

Interesting diagnosis Doctor.  Although to be fair to Martin O’Keeffe he is probably just being cautious, as any defender should be, and just wants some extra cover at the back in threatening defensive situations.

I’d like to congratulate Stevie Travers on his feat of scoring hat-tricks in three consecutive games.  It’s a fantastic achievement.  Since he’s joined Trinity he has been an excellent addition to the team on the pitch as well as to the overall changing room spirit.  He truly is a fantastic player and person, and it’s a privilege to play alongside him.  If he keeps it up he could even snatch my ‘crowd favourite’ tag away from me!  But seriously, good luck for the rest of the season.

Jim ‘Mullers’ Mullowney, Leeds

You’re quite correct Jim.  It is indeed a fantastic achievement to score hat-tricks in three consecutive games, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer chap.  Let’s hope he can do it again on Saturday, in another Trinity victory!

That c*nt Macca is a c*nt, his f*cking tips have cost me my wife, kids, business and some cash, so I want to know what odds he'll give me on me kicking his smug face in if he doesn’t start to research properly, and give punters like me who rely on him to not talk sh*te a chance of re-building our lives, the c*nt!

An unhappy punter

Trinity FC Online can testify that Macca does research his tips thoroughly.  Though we sympathise with your situation it must be stressed that any gambling activities you wish to take part in are solely your responsibility, and not that of the tipster. Furthermore you should only bet what you can afford.  Good luck in getting your life back on track.

Well done Stevie Travers for scoring all your hat tricks.  However if your passing was half as good as your finishing then the team as a whole would be scoring far more goals.  Instead your brand of dodgy flicks and casual under weighted passes often leaves your team mates with no chance of getting the ball.  Or failing that in a hospital ball situation where they have to take the well being of their legs into their own hands as they attempt to win the ball.  Take care of your passes in future please Stevie!

A team mate, The Casualty Department, Leeds General Infirmary

To be fair all of the Trinity players need to take care of their passes at all times, not just Stevie.  You may be unduly harsh on a player who after all is rattling in the goals!

What the bl**dy hell is this Gardiner’s World column all about?  It’s just full of self-indulgent ramblings, and a lot of them at that.  At least the MacAttack had a point, even if it was a touch misguided at times. Come back the MacAttack, all is forgiven!

Mick, Moortown

The MacAttack was indeed one of the great Trinity FC Online columns of all time, so to compare the first Gardiner’s World column with it may be a touch unfair.  Give it time.  We’re sure it will be a winner with all our readers!

Stevie Travers thinks he’s it and is swanning round the Pack Horse like he owns it, just because he’s scored a few goals lately.  Well I’ve got news for you Stevie.  You’re not it and you’d better watch your step!

Rich, Pack Horse regular

We’re surprised you have that impression of Stevie as he always gives the impression of being a genuine nice guy.  Maybe you just need to get to know him Rich!

If you ask me the ‘Gardiner’s World’ column should be renamed ‘Gardiner’s a Tosser’, because that’s the only conclusion I can make after reading his b*llocks of a column!  Entertaining my a*se!

Piers, Leeds

Strong words Piers!  Maybe you’re taking the column too seriously.  Anyhow give it more time.  We’re sure it will become a big readers’ favourite!

Now that the weather is getting colder can I just inform the Trinity players who are partial to using Deep Heat, to warm their legs before games, that it is available from all high street chemists and doesn't cost that much.  However for one person in the team to provide Deep Heat for all the team can prove expensive for the individual concerned.  So make sure you buy some you selfish, lazy b*stards!  And buy some tape while you're at it!

A Trinity player, Leeds

You're quite right.  Everyone should do their bit.

Majorca is a very nice place to go to for a few days with friends.  However avoid the burger bars like mad as the food isn't that nice.  But if you do partake in one after a few beers and the food isn't to your liking, put it quietly in a bin rather than throw it back over the counter in an aggressive manner.  That way your trip won't be spoilt by being nicked by the local police!

John, Harehills

Sounds like good advice John.

** Red Card **

I'm F*cking back!

Alright you kn*bhead c*nts, Tozza here, lock up your f*cking birds, and your boyfriend Mullers you c*nt. I've just got back from exterminating f*cking smelly Iraqians or whatever the f*ck they’re called, and now it's time to exterminate some c*nts in the Old Boys’ League, and add to my f*cking red card list to show the lads at the various Working Men’s clubs I'm a member of. These c*nts we've got on Saturday are in for a surprise now, as they probably expected to play the usual bunch of middle class f*ggots but now Tozza’s back, see you soon you c*nts, if I don't get banged up. I'm off to get p*ssed and sh*g a prozzie!

Tozza

We’re pleased you’re back Tozza and look forward to seeing you appear with distinction in the Trinity colours again.  However Trinity FC Online cannot condone the overly aggressive, bordering on potentially violent, tone of your e-mail.  For that reason you’ve been awarded this week’s red card, to add your extensive collection no doubt.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Well done Travers!

I’d just like to say well done to Stevie Travers for scoring hat-tricks in consecutive games.  In my time as a Trinity supporter, which is quite extensive, I can’t recall anybody else doing that.  So it is obviously a tremendous feat.  Keep it going Travers and let’s see if you can do it again on Saturday!

Tony, Leeds

Here!  Here!  Let’s hope Stevie Travers does score another hat-trick this Saturday.  It would be a fantastic achievement.  If any of our readers can recollect anyone else who has scored hat-tricks in consecutive games for Trinity please let us know, e-mailing us with the details.  Anyway Tony you have also achieved this week.  That’s right your achievement is to be awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

First I hope you don’t mind me making contact with you.

I’ve been a resident in MADRID for the last 20 years and during this time I have been involved in the football scene here, having played and managed a team called F.C.BRITANICO which plays in a well established Spanish League.

Recently we have received visiting teams to MADRID so I thought I would send you details of what I can offer.

If you would like to know more don’t hesitate in contacting me. There is plenty of flexibility.

Stuart Gibb (Heart of Midlothian sympathiser)

Trinity FC Online have really gone over the top this time, publicising guest editor Jim Bowen's sick advice to women who are tempted to go with Premiership footballers.  Don’t you realise rape is a serious crime and not one to be laughed at.  Women all over the country are frightened to death of potentially being sh*gged against their will by a top footballer, or any top sports star for that matter.  Admittedly I’m probably safe as I’m a bit of a moose, but you never know if they're p*ssed!

Madge B, Gipton

You're quite correct Madge, rape is a serious crime.  And nobody takes it more seriously than the Trinity FC Online team.  We will be having words with Jim Bowen.  Regarding your moose like state, we're sure there is a Premiership footballer out there who's got a preference for those type of features.

I’ve got a joke of sorts.  When someone asks me if I’ve got a match, say if they want one to light their ciggie or something, I quickly respond ‘Yes, my a*se and your face!’  It’s not strictly a football joke but it is funny!

Mally, Sheffield

It’s not strictly a joke and it’s not strictly funny, but thanks for your e-mail anyway Mally.

I play for Grangefield, Who are playing Trinity on Saturday in the Leeds * District Cup. You lot think we are sh*te because we are two divisions below you in the league.  But we get stuck in.  You might think you can play better football but we like fighting and we’ve heard you’re all as soft as sh*t!  We are going to pick on your captain Matt Jordan and Chris Gardiner who play like big time charlies but don’t do f*ck all running!  We’re going to win so f*ck off!

The skinhead who’ll be playing in midfield or at the back, Grangefield

I bet Jordan and Gardiner are really running scared!  See you on Saturday!

** Red Card **

Where’s Gardiner’s World?

Where the bl**dy hell is the much publicised Gardiner’s World column?  I frankly don’t believe it’s ever going to be published.  Anybody who does must be in a world of their own.  In fact they’re probably in Gardiner’s sad f*cking world!

Steve Pickering, Bramley

For your information Steve, Gardiner’s World is published for the first time this very week!  Click here to read his first column.  For your rude impatience you have been awarded this week’s red card of the week.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Twenty stone bird!

Is there any substance to the rumour that a prominent Trinity midfielder (bald with IT skills) went out in Headingley on Saturday night, picked up a bird, took her back to the Pointers B&B, got down to business and then invited seven of his team mates in to have a go........but they refused because she was over twenty stone and had a suspect package!!

Curious, Leeds

Very witty indeed!  For your ability to take a current national football scandal and put it into an amusing Trinity setting you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Regarding last weekend’s story about the top footballers gang banging a young fit bird I can now eliminate the Trinity players from all suspicion because:

1. they were playing in West Yorkshire that weekend, and
2. having seen them play they are most certainly not footballers, never mind top footballers!

Rey, Aldershot

Thanks for your e-mail Rey.  You are indeed correct about Trinity playing in West Yorkshire this weekend.  Although if you’d have seen their excellent display against Ealandians at the weekend, you might change your mind over your last statement.

For ages everyone has known the 4-4-2 formation is miles better than 3-5-2.  Now it seems Trinity manager Nick Bentley has finally seen the light and has started to use it.  About f*cking time too!

Gez

Thanks Gez.  It is Trinity FC Online’s view that it is the performance of the individual players that matter rather than the formations that are employed.  Though we also accept formations do matter otherwise why would teams bother using them.

For weeks your readers have been going on about the virtues of the 3-5-2 formation versus the 4-4-2 formation, and vice-versa.  However all that is a load of sh*te!  It’s how good the players are that matters.  It doesn’t matter what formation Trinity play if their players keep churning out sh*t performances.

Christy, The Irish Centre

Thanks for your e-mail Christy, you do have a point but formations must matter to some extent otherwise teams wouldn’t bother employing them.

Why aye man, it’s Geordie Macca from Sandal, Trinity’s opponents this Saturday.  We’re going to beat you like we did a couple of weeks ago, cos you lot are sh*t man!  Our 49 year old forward scored the winner and he’s f*cking pants man.  And I’m going to kick the sh*te out of all of you man, especially the one with the big head.  See you Saturday.  Wor Jackie!!!!!!

Geordie Macca, Sandal

See you Saturday Geordie Macca.

** Red Card **

Sh*t font!!

Why have you changed the font for e-mail replies at the bottom of the home page...it looks sh*t  and makes no improvement to the site whatsoever.

Dieter Hoeness

P.S. glad to here Matt Jordan missed a penalty, made my day (well...it was a boring day)

It was unfortunate Matt Jordan missed the penalty against Trinity as it was undoubtedly the turning point of the game.  And for your information we haven’t changed the font for e-mail replies at the bottom of the page.  For your harsh criticism of the font you have been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

4-4-2 is bad!

I think Trinity should go back to 3-5-2 as it is good.  I think 4-4-2 is bad!

Ryan Thomson (6 years old), Kirkstall

It is always good to get an e-mail from one of our younger readers.  For your ‘incite’ but more for the fact that you are young you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week!

Go back to 3-5-2!

What is Trinity manager Nick Bentley doing, changing Trinity’s formation to 4-4-2?  Doesn’t he realise Trinity haven’t got the players to play that formation!  3-5-2 suits the team much better.

A regular observer, Leeds

Thanks for your e-mail.  What do our readers think about the formation change?  E-mail now with your opinions.

3-5-2 suits Trinity!

It is plain to see that to anyone connected with Trinity with half a grain of footballing sense that the 3-5-2 formation suits Trinity, as it offers more flexibility and numbers in the key midfield area.  At the back two of the defenders can mark and the other one can offer the necessary cover.  Trinity have made a mistake changing to 4-4-2.  Let’s hope Nick Bentley can rectify it quickly!

Paul, North Leeds

Interesting analysis Paul, but the 4-4-2 also has advantages hence most teams wouldn’t be employing it.

I think we’ll thrash you!

I play for Ealandians and I am really looking forward to playing Trinity on Saturday, as I think we will thrash them.  I get the impression from reading your match reports that they are the sort of team who can play a bit of football occasionally but when it comes to the bread and butter stuff they don’t want to know.  By that I mean they don’t get stuck in, close down or work hard.  See you Saturday Trinity, you sh*t b*stards!

The big lad at the back, Elland

We’ll see what happens on Saturday!

** Red Card **

Trinity players should be shot!

If they were horses the Trinity players would be shot.  They look that poor and unfit.  There’s only one place they’re going and that’s the f*cking knacker’s yard, like your b*llocks of a website.

Gary, Leeds

Sometimes if you can’t say anything positive, you should say nothing at all.  This applies in this case.  For your negativity you have been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Thanks Macca!

Regarding the following comment from the Not at the Races column:

"I can not see past Tampa Bay retaining their Superbowl crown, they have added mobility to their defensive ends and in Randy Steiger have the best free safety in the NFL."

Thanks for the complement Macca, but you’re forgetting some of the younger Guys like Chip Ramstein who plays for the Syracuse Stormraiders and Brad Masonbaum for the Arizona Panda's.

Thanks all the same

Randy, Tampa Bay

Thank you for your thanks Randy!  I’m sure Macca will appreciate your comments.  It’s always good to receive an e-mail from a current NFL player.  Good luck in your season.  For your kind comments you have been awarded e-mail of the week.

I’ve always been impressed with Trinity FC Online’s ability to attract the top stars to edit the website week on week.  And this week is no exception with disgraced peer Lord Jeffrey Archer, whose novels I always enjoy reading, doing the editing.  However he claims he doesn’t tell lies but then goes on to claim he scored three goals in a World Cup final.  Well I’ve got the video to the 1966 World Cup final and it is definitely Geoff Hurst who scores a hat-trick and not Archer, as he claims, which proves he is lying!  This leads me to suspect he is also lying when he said he was daddy of his wing in prison, and he probably hasn’t got a large kn*b as he also claims.

Kev

Interesting suspicions Kev, though I suspect Lord Jeffrey Archer’s editorial was written with his tongue firmly in his cheek.  But thanks for the e-mail.

Trinity need Tozza!

It was great to hear that Tozza was back from Iraq.  Though I’ve never seen him play football he seems just the sort of person Trinity needs in their team, judging by his aggressive sounding e-mail.  Let’s hope he bothers to turn up!

Chris Moran, Leeds

It will be interesting to see if he does indeed turn up.  Only time will tell!

If Trinity continue to lose all their games, like they’ve lost their first two, they definitely won’t finish as champions of the division as you have predicted.  In fact they’ll probably get relegated.  However if they can suddenly turn things around and start winning they’ll move up the table.  And if they can keep on winning I think they can make a positive impact on the promotion race. 

Joe O’Dear

Interesting views Joe.  Let’s hope Trinity can start winning, and fast!

A joke!

What’s the difference between a triangle and Trinity?  A triangle has got three points!

Only kidding, no offence!  Good luck for the rest of the season!

Toby, Bristol

No offence taken Toby, thanks for your joke.  Keep them jokes flooding in readers!

** Red Card **

Macca's got real depth in his bullpen!

I'd like to take this opportunity to say that it's great to see the website return after a long summer, welcome back indeed Trinity FC Online. It's also pleasing to see that it has been freshened up by several carefully thought up new ideas that will no doubt keep it at the cutting edge of cyberspace journalism. Although, if I'm being totally honest, I did look at two of your

new features and wonder if the plot had totally been lost, those being "Not at the Races......by Paul McIntyre" and "Golf Clubbs.....the regular golf tips column by Martin Clubbs".

I couldn't come to terms with the idea of Macca as the professional punter kindly offering access to his vast knowledge of the sporting world, and I didn't think that he'd believe anyone could care less about American football or baseball let alone stake money on them. Then we had Clubby with the immortal… "Drive for show...putt for dough!". I thought, "What on earth is he on about?"

Well yes, it had gone totally over my head - I naively thought these guys were being serious!  Can you believe I missed all that innuendo?  Tampa Bay have added mobility to their defensive ends! SF Giants have real depth in the bullpen (that sounds painful!). You won't believe this but I thought Randy Steiger and his safety techniques actually existed!!  Pop Idol and the girl with the big ass!

Then Clubby's on about swinging, telling us it's all about rhythm and acceleration... if you hit your balls too hard you will only upset your rhythm. Brilliant!!

Keep them coming (oops didn't mean that one) lads; I've been in stitches!

S Travers, Whitkirk

So you think Trinity FC Online as lost the plot do you?  Well if you wish to ignore Macca’s betting advice at the risk of losing out on a high level of winning potential that is your concern.  As for Martin Clubbs he’s a well respected golfer with a single figure handicap.  Many of our readers look forward to his tips so as to improve their own games.  For your criticisms, dressed in the form of sarcastic remarks, you have been awarded this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Diagnosis

Hi, my name is Tarquin, and I love a damn good game of contact football on the weekends, so I joined a team with the rest of my chums called the Medics, as I like them are studying to be doctors, ahm, ahm, Medics do you get it. Anyway it is my 'expert diagnosis' that

a)      Your defender Macca hasn’t got a rash he's just a spotty baaaarst*rd

b)      your team is even nicer and more middle class than ours

c)      Mullers has actually usually been swimming and is actually really well hung and

d)     if you keep playing with 3 at the back we and other teams who aren’t completely sh*te will expose where your full backs should be every week and give you a right f**king going over.

Toodle pip, and we'll see you in scummy seacroft at the weekend

Tarquin (Tarquers) 

Thanks for your e-mail Tarquin.  You’re quite right about Mullers as many a good looking lady can surely testify.  With regard to your views on Trinity getting beat every week with their present formation only time will tell.  Anyway for your diagnosis you have been awarded this week’s e-mail of the week.

I have a football joke for your readers.  Normally when people are asked who they support they state their favourite team, such as Leeds United or Manchester United.  I always say:

‘I support my legs because they support me!’

It usually has everyone laughing out loud.

Bernard Boredom, Leeds

Not so much a joke, more a witty response.  But thanks for your contribution anyway Bernard.

Good luck Martin Clubbs on his wedding at the weekend.  Let’s hope he isn’t in charge of the fundraising to pay for the reception, because based on his performances last year as fundraiser for Trinity all the guests will have to go to the chippy for something to eat.  That’s because he won’t have paid for any food because he’d have raised f*ck all money!  Seriously though Martin, have a good time!

Billy Myers, Wortley

Thanks for your good wishes Billy.  I’m sure Martin, or Clubby as he likes to be called, will appreciate them.  All the Trinity FC Online team wish you a good day Martin!  And keep sending those golf tips over from your honeymoon!

I’ve just f*cking come back from Iraq where I’ve been chinning all the Iraqis while in the army.  I’m not on official leave.  I did a runner cos I also chinned the sergeant.  He told me to clean my boots.  I told him to f*ck off.  He had a go and it all kicked off and I chinned him.  Anyway I just logged into the website and I read the Trinity players were moaning cos they dint have enough water at half-time in their last game.  Soft c*nts!  When I play I have a couple of cans of Stella at half-time, then I go out and kick f*ck out of the other team.  If the ref tries to send me off I kick f*ck out of him as well.  Trinity need to get stuck in more!

Tozza

Thanks for your e-mail Tozza, it’s great to hear from you.  You are indeed quite correct in implying that a certain level of aggression is required on the football field to succeed.  However you do appear to take this to an extreme level.

** Red Card **

Trinity are going down!

After losing their first two games of the season there’s only one place Trinity are going this season, and that’s down like your sh*t website!

Neville, YOBL website editor

So the entire Yorkshire Old Boys’ League is against Trinity.  Well when the players here about this I’m sure they’ll adopt a siege mentality, like Manchester United do based on the view that it is them against the world, which will only make them stronger.  This should see them rise up the divisions.  As for your statement it has resulted in you getting this week’s red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE WEEK **

Review

Excellent review of the season and a concise use of interesting statistics. The web site has been a roaring success and I hope you continue with it next year, and if it attracts us a couple of players during the summer then all the better.

I could tell you this face to face during one of our many weekly meetings but I know you appreciate the emails.

Macca

Thanks for your praise.  Trinity FC Online do indeed all e-mails especially ones like these.  For your kind words  you have been awarded this week's e-mail of the week!  

I feel I must express my disappointment with your new feature "Not at the Races......... by Paul McIntyre". No I didn't put fifty quid on Andre Agassi at 43 years of age to win the US Open, or indeed back South Africa to come within an innings of beating England in the final test match........no, I thought it was going to be a self assessment of his performance last season!!

An Occasional Pack Horse Drinker, Leeds

Sorry to hear you're disappointed with our new feature.  However we're sure if you follow McIntyre's tips throughout the season you'll be quids in! 

This is Tony Thorpe from St. Michael's. I want to get in touch with all the lads from our English Schools Championship team.

Cheers

Tony T (Captain Japs*ye!)

If anyone wants to get in touch e-mail Trinity FC Online now and we'll pass on Tony's e-mail address.  Trinity FC Online, the website that brings together old friends!

I think that Paul 'Macca' McIntyre is getting to big for his secretarial boots these days. He seems to have forgot some of his oldest and most influential friends, I'm thinking of one in particular. Where on earth is Super Ted these days? He was the only one who used to stick by old Spotty. Come on Macca pull your finger out, get off the golf course and get in touch!

J. Pertwee, Horsforth

Very amusing J.  However it has to be said Macca isn't as spotty as he once was.  

The Channel 4 Gay-O-Meter has calculated that James Mullowney is 76 percent gay! Find out just how gay you are with the Channel 4 Gay-O-Meter http://www.channel4.com/gayometer

Macca

Don't worry our lady readers Macca is only joking.  Our ever popular crowd favourite Jim 'Mullers' Mullowney scored an incredibly low score on this gayometer so our sources have informed us.  Anyhow it is an amusing site to go on. 

Much as I appreciate your Trinity FC Online for its information and humour I can’t believe your prediction that Trinity can be Champions.  You have no chance with the players you have at the moment.  Firstly they don’t think twice about letting their team mates down and not turning up.  And secondly they simply don’t have the belief they can achieve.  Fifth at best!  They’re too inconsistent to get any higher.

A regular observer

Only time will tell if you are right. 

Trinity didn’t start very well on Saturday.  But with their skipper Jordan returning from his honeymoon, he should be the inspiration to see them climb to the top of the table!

Joe

Very positive Joe.  Let's hope Matt does come back refreshed and able to lift the Trinity spirits.

Trinity should change to 4-4-2 if they want to win Senior B.  They won’t get far with 3-5-2.  It’s sh*te!

Andy

Strong views there Andy.  Formations can matter but it must be remembered it's the players on the park who have to make them work.

I play for Leeds Medics the team Trinity are playing on Saturday and I’m sick of other teams joking that when they play us it’s not a bad game to get injured in, because there is plenty of doctors on our side to look after them.  Well we won’t!  We’ll get stuck in and if you get injured we’ll be the ones laughing our heads off as you lot are crying on the ground you soft Trinity b*stards!

Dr Dave Dibble

It can be irritating when teams crack the same jokes time and time again.  However we'd like to think a human being's health would take greater precedence over some mild form of irritation.  See on Saturday!

** Red Card **

A tip for Clubby

How about a tip for Clubby?....

Write Trinity Online features for show, turn up to Trinity training and matches for dough!!

Translated this means its OK writing fancy features for Trinity's excellent website but to be of greater benefit to the club it's important you practice turning up to training and matches occasionally, if not more!

A player that doesn't necessarily play up front or have an Irish accent, Leeds

How dare you suggest that our new columnist Martin Clubbs is skiving in his duties as a Trinity player.  He is working extremely hard to recover from injury.  Also his new column can only benefit the golfing games of many of our readers.  For your sarcastic criticisms you have been awarded this week's red card. You're off!!