Your e-mails archives 2006/07

 ** E-MAIL OF THE MONTH **

TASC O.B. HISTORY

I've been meaning to do this for a while now since I discovered the History section on your web site.

I know you've got your information from Andy 'Fairweather' Lowe but it misses out alarming chunks of detail. Myself and Tony Hegarty started the team and Mike Boyd Clarke [Trinity lecturer]. We did indeed join the Red triangle League and achieved immediate status in Senior Div A as a result of the level the College team had been playing.  We achieved moderate success -a few semis and 3rd and 4ths in the league. We had a bit of a reputation as a hard nut side and did battle with such as Yorks Ams/ Belle Isle/ Seacroft/ and Gipton WMC. We played for the first few years at TASC and then were told to find another pitch. We did-Kirk Lane Park in Yeadon, where we played for many years. We used to still change at TASC and travel to play. Unfortunately Pete Fusco and I lived on the edge of the park and the lazier players changed and showered at our house. We spent a few years in the County Amateur League and our numbers depleted as certain players did not appreciate the Hanson Brothers approach to football [did you see 'slap-shot'?] and left including some of those mentioned in your early history lines. Some of us battled on and joined the YOBL and changed grounds to Osmondthorpe YMCA for three years. Our departed players returned and we reached the Old Boys Yorkshire Shield in Hull before losing 2-1 against a very good side in Sydney Smith OB. We also reached the Senior Cup Semi Final twice -once losing to Beeston S.A. 5-4 after extra -time in the snow [Finbar still talks about it!]. We then moved to your present home at St.Theresas. I'm delighted you have kept the club going even if that old duffer Andy forgets things. We all still play together  from time to time though we are 60 or approaching it and the stories still roll out.  Our boys play 5-a-side against us and we occasionally win when they let us! It gave me great pleasure to see my son Joe play against you in the Senior Cup for Leeds Met and I have to say the quality of your play and spirit was fantastic to see and you were unlucky. Keep it up boys -you're a credit and make the 'original ' founder member very happy! Andy Lowe, how could you miss me off! I was the 'bloody secretary and groundsman too, as well as one of the Hanson Bros. The only reason you are still able to run is because of the blows we took for you!!!!

All the best Trinity FC

Michael Rossiter

Thanks for that Michael.  This information will be used to update the History section on the website.  For your comprehensive contribution you've been awarded e-mail of the month!

Help me!

Quick question for you all at Trinity FC. I got told that there were a couple of q*eers who played for your 2nd team, I got the name Gus of someone, he's the one who runs with his chest puffed (that's how male peacocks attract male peacocks, mines bigger than a pea, ooooh shush!) and when he takes a throw in he throws it at your neck. I'm a bit confused as to who the other one is though, I narrowed it down to two. One played upfront (I'm only interested in what he's like playing at the back, pleeeeeease) he had a strange name Cwaig or Gweg, I'm not sure which, is he Welsh? If he's not g*y I'll eat my poodles booties, I'll give him the old test I'll s*ck him off and if he doesn't come he's not g*y. The other one surely is, he's called Niall I think. He's the one who moans all the time, with the bald head,( If I get hold of his bald head I'll give him a reason to moan, ooooh smack wristies Wayne, you are awful). He is DEFO g*y, because a) he wanted everyone to shout at blokes for him on the pitch, way g*y, and b) No one spoke to him before or after the game and left him sat on his own, which shows that they were scared of him because they think he'll try and dodge paying with a rear entry (naughty). Please could you confirm, anyone, which one of these 2 it is, I think they are both GORGE. You play for Trinity Old Boys and all I want to do is show you my old boy (ooooooh you're TOOOOOO ruuuude)

Kisses Wayne Sleep, Morley 

The sexuality of players is a private matter for each player.  It's how they perform on the football pitch that counts, not who they perform with in the bedroom! 

Berty Ahern, Dublin

RTE News 15th February 2007 18.02PM

British & Irish Governments Plan Ceremony in Croke Park – Northern Ireland Minister Peter Hain has announced details of a joint ceremony before Irelands crunch game against England in Croke Park on the 24th February.  The significance of the game is not lost on GAA followers such as Paul "paulie" McIntyre and republicans who remember the infamous shooting of 14 players and supporters by the British Army on the 21st November 1921. However according to GAA spokesman Ulick Magee a plan being devised by the GAA and the Northern Ireland office, will attempt to draw a line under the incident.  "We've spoken to the British government and they understand the significance of the event back in 1921.  Back then 14 people were killed by British forces so in the spirit of the peace process and friendship we're proposing that we shoot 14 of their lot before the match. Then maybe have fireworks afterwards or something." Said Mr Magee.

Government Reaction - The plan has had a mixed reaction from Downing Street. Prime Minister Tony Blair thinks the idea has merit but said that it needs to be done properly and with dignity. "Frankly I think its a small price to pay for progression in Anglo-Irish affairs, but I think the idea of getting Ray Houghton to do the shooting would be too much for many English fans to take particularly after his goal against us back in 1988. And he's Scottish which is worse."

Proposed Victims - According to informed sources, the GAA and Number 10 have already drawn up a list of names for those to be shot.  The list, which is not yet agreed, is thought to be a compromise of people that both the Irish and English public dislike. Among the names are Big Posh Tom Priestley...., Robert "I used to be fast" Pearson, Trinity donkey Mark Ryan, cream cake expert Matt Jordan, "comedian" Martin Clubbs and any of the blokes who do "pieces of journalism" for trintyfc online.......Boy them "pieces are funny".......................  But discussions took an ironic twist when both sides agreed on shooting Belfast born Dennis Katoro, but neither side agreed on what nationality he was. GAA representatives claim he's British with their Foreign Office counterparts claiming he's Irish as his name ends in an "o" . The Irish claimed no Irishman should sing or dance in such a manner and the English saying he couldn't be a Brit because he had no tattoos on his forearm and didn't wear Ben Sherman shirts.  However there was eventual consensus that he should be shot regardless of his nationality.

Plans agreed - The shooting will be carried out my members of the Trinity FC 2nd Team from Cathal Brugha Barracks in Dublin. The original idea to get the YOBL representatives to carry out the executions were dropped when they revealed that they’re boring C*nts.  Similarly the Garda Emergency Response Unit was discounted for fear they'd shoot more innocent civilians then claim overtime for it

Eamonn Kissane

It was suggested earlier in the season that the Trinity players were struggling to shoot straight on the football field.   However the current top scorers in Senior A have proved their critics wrong.

Well done to Trinity midfielder Tom Marston for putting himself out and running a half-marathon for charity.  It's a shame more of the Trinity players don't give up their time for the needy.  Most of them may have sponsored him.  However I don't imagine they'll pay the soft pr*ck!

Mark Mywords, Moortown

Current Trinity players Richard Lambert, Eamonn O'Hanrahan and Jamie Connelly have previously completed long runs for charity.  As for Tom Marston's sponsors they are sure to pay him for his efforts, as he's a well respected member of the Trinity football club.

It's one in the face for the critics of the appointment of Robbie Pearson of social secretary.  Those people who said he couldn't force a p*ss up in a brewery will have to eat their words, after he managed to give a handout to all the players regarding this year's end of the season trip abroad.  It promises to be the best trip yet.  Keep up the good work Robbie!

A non-critic of Pearson, Manchester

The last few end-of-season trips have been a success and a major contributor to the excellent team spirit that exists within the club.  Let's hope this year's trip is equally as successful.

There is no HARM in trying me!

Compliments of the season Sir, l am  a Nigerian teenager with a lot of zeal and determination to succed in the game of fotball and that is why l deemed it expedient to write this mail to the management of Trinity FC as a raputable football club with big and enviable ambition to see if l could be offered a fooball tryout. l am Anaelom Patrick, an eigteen year of boy full of dreams and ambition as regards the game of football.  It is imperative to note that l have been future in colleges of Education games porpularly known as NICEGA in Nigeria at the age of Sixteen during my school yera as a college student, l am an abedient and hardworking player but on and of the pitch and that was why they nicnamed me the Bull. Thoug am a foward minded player,l also fit into the midfield role because am good with both foots. Currently, l am traning with an amatur non league division known as Musa Cmara FC of Suleja NIGer State of Nigeria. Be that as it may, I am desprate for a move outside Africa in a bid to realize my football ambitions. Suffice it to say that a move to europe or asia will be wellcomed sofar its a football club with a high dream. Finally, Sir, l believe as the heading of my mail goes, that lf given the chance and exposure that you will see that there is one great star in making. Thanks and God Bless.

Patrick U Anaelom

I'm sure the scouts at Trinity will be looking out for you Patrick.  Good luck in your football career!

Qantas

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school Diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their  jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe  sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Eamonn Kissane

Thanks for your e-mail Eamonn.  The fact that Qantas is the only major airline which has never had an accident should possibly be considered by Trinity social secretary Robbie Pearson when organising Trinity's end-of-season trip abroad.

Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice the result of Euromillion Loteria Español 2007 promotions.  We are happy to inform you that your email address have emerged a winner of Five hundred and fifty thousand euro(550, 000.00)Euros.

Congratulations once again from all our staff and thank you for being part of our promotions program.

Mrs.Jennifer Lucia
THE PROMOTION COORDINATOR

Thank you.  However Trinity FC Online don't need the money.  Feel free to give it to a charity of your choosing!

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** Red Card **

INTERNET BANK UPDATE

Dear Customer, we are currently upgrading our online banking services and due to the process of this service, we sincerely call your attention to reconfirm your online account details hence failure to confirm the online banking details may leads to temporarily suspended you from accessing your online account.

Yorkshire Bank

Trinity FC Online do not have an account with Yorkshire Bank.  If your banking service is as dishonest as your reported sideline antics at football matches you can rest assured that we never will have!  For suggesting we hold such an account you've been awarded the red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE MONTH **

Where is Turner's profile?

I was just looking through the player profiles and I failed to see a profile for Greg Turner.  He's being playing for over a season and a half.  He was the joint leading goalscorer for the second team last season and is currently their leading score this season.  Surely he deserves one.  Also big summer signings Imran Mughal and Tom Marston from Roundhegians don't appear to have a profile, along with keeper Scott Carvell and Dave Barton.   Come on Trinity FC Online get it sorted. 

Stewie Thommo, Bramhope

All the players you've mentioned have made an excellent contribution to the Trinity cause, particularly Greg Turner.  Rest assured Trinity FC Online will publish profiles of these players in the near future.  For raising such a good point you've been awarded e-mail of the month!

Goals win games!!

I e-mailed in November regarding the fact that scoring goals win football games.   This season it took the Trinity management a while to realise this was a good strategy but finally both teams are scoring goals and winning games.  Seemed a simple enough idea to me!!

Mick C, Alwoodley

Trinity's first team did fail to score in four league games in the November/December period.  However they were up against teams at the top of the table who played very well defensively in those games.  They have actually only scored two goals less than the highest scorers in the division at this moment in time.  As for Trinity's second team they've only failed to score in one league game this season so suggesting that they aren't bad in front of goal either.  

Take up cycling Eamonn!

Good to see Eamonn Kissane starting a game in a Trinity shirt the other week.  It was a shame he only lasted a few minutes before going off with an injured hamstring.  Maybe he should take up cycling again to regain his fitness.  So long as he doesn't go on and about it like he just to the boring, cheesey bowl headed tw*t!

M O'Keeffe, Chapel A

Cycling is indeed an excellent way to get fit as well and maybe more players should take it up.  However they should remember to wear protective helmets when they cycle, as it can sometimes be hazardous cycling on a busy road.  

My client and his family are dead!

It is with trust and believe that I write to you this message. I am Barrister Kingston Sean, a Solicitor at Law. I am the personal attorney to late Mr. James Allcorn a National of the United State of America, who worked as an importer and exporter of Timber and Cocoa in and out of Africa.

On the 21st of July 2005, my client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along Greenfield road, London, United Kingdom. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives, Since then I have made several inquiries to locate any of my client's extended relatives, this had also proved unsuccessful, my profession and my religion discourage me from stealing from the dead.

After these several unsuccessful attempts. Hence, I have contacted you to assist in recovering the fund valued/worth sum of US$12,000,000 Million left behind by my client before it gets confiscated or declared unserviceable/demorage by the bank where this discussed amount was deposited.

After making inquiry with regards to the claim of this fund, the paying Bank had issued me a notice to provide the Next of Kin or have the account confiscated within some few official working days from now on. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over few months now, I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin to the deceased.

Therefore, on receipt of your positive response i will make everything possible to secure all legal documents requested for the claim of the fund in your name as the rightful beneficiary to the fund. All I required of you is your honesty and co-operation to see this transaction through. Lastly, I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

May God Help Us.

Barrister Kingston Sean, London

Though we sympathise with your case we're not sure why you have chosen Trinity FC Online as the next of kin of your clients.  Maybe you should try a little harder to try to find some actual family members.  Perhaps an appeal on local radio or even national television may stimulate a positive response.

** Red Card **

High Pitched!

God knows when this will actually get posted on your once excellent and up to the minute website, but I thought it needed to be said. I went to see your game against Leeds Met the other week and I thought it was an excellent game. Leeds Met are probably too strong for the standard they play at, but Trinity matched them throughout and Met knew they'd had a tough game. Not that they particularly showed it at the end because they're a bunch of arrogant over privileged, cricket sense of humoured, g*ts (from having overheard stories from Robbie and Matt, it seems like Leeds Met has always produced such anecdotal humour).

My point is though, that although I'm sure after last years final, Trinity's finest needed little encouragement to go out there and give a much more accurate account of their team’s worth. It was still good to see their inspirational captain getting everyone in for a talk before the game. Thanks to my exceptional hearing I was fortunate enough to be able to hear it. WHAT A LOAD OF CR*P!! I mean put some effort in, it's the same high pitched babble week in week out "Yeah (point at the floor), do we want this? Yeah? we know where the better team (more vigorous point), but we've got to prove it out there, it's no good coming off the pitch saying we should have won that, yeah? It's got be every f'ing tackle, every f'ing header, every f'ing throw in, every f'ing pass, every f'ing concession of a penalty..." and then his pitch gets to high for human ears. Change the record Jords, you might be able to build a successful career in sales on the back of repetition, but footballers need some new words of inspiration every couple of seasons to spur them on. Plus when Mullers is going through one of his tactical talks in the dressing room, don't feel the need to interrupt and ruin it. Here's a typical scenario, I've overheard from outside the dressing room; Mullers: "Right, this team have got some big lads at the back, so don't pump the ball up in the air and try not to give away set pieces..." Jords: "Yeah (simultaneous lifting of bent at the elbows arms and lowering, repeated throughout speech) just on that. THEY have got some big lads, so DON'T just pump the ball up in the air (Mullers goes to carry on, so voice goes up a couple of octaves) AND, AND, yeah, don't give away set pieces, yeah? (sits back smugly in seat, ignoring the whispers of the team saying 'didn't Jim just say that') You get to say your piece outdoors Jords, concentrate on that and stop interrupting Mullers, you high pitched t*ss pot! 

S. Jordan. Slough

The results of the team over the last few years suggests Jordan's ''words of inspiration', as you put them, do get the team motivated.  For your 'words of criticism' you've been awarded the red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE MONTH **

Disappointing for the Fan

Hi there - I am an exiled Trinity Fan of a few years back and it's been a long time since I saw my favourite team. I now live in Birmingham and was delighted to see my boys (all be it the Reserves) head down my way last Saturday, they only just got there mind, I think they thought the game was near Huddersfield.

I scanned the line up and recognised a couple of faces, but one was Eamonn Kissane, which did not really interest me. The other was Gareth Curran, the cheeky, lovable, tricky, Irish simpleton. He used to be my favourite player and I would often practice some of his silky skills and tricks in my living room taking on my cat.

However his performance at right back really p**sed me off, he played like a real tw*t. When you go to see Gareth play you do not expect a well disciplined defensive display including well timed tackles and vital clearances. May be its because he is getting old and becoming a "responsible team player". Don't get me wrong, there were flashes of beautiful irresponsibility such as attempted nutmegs in his own box, but not much more.

What particularly annoyed me were the two times he stuck to his duty on the near post at corners, coming to the rescue of his team and especially the stranded Darren Anderton in goal. On both occasions there was clearly a split second to chest the ball down, do a couple of keepy-ups on his thigh, one quick Cruyff turn, take on a couple of the big centre halves, do a back-heel nutmeg on their striker, balance the ball on his head, a step over or two before running with the ball (dodging past his team mates) to take on the corner taker as well.

Instead, what does he do? - He heads the ball clear, getting good distance too. That's far too sensible, I'd rather see the b*st**ds lose than go through that.

Oh and PS, Kissane's goal was clearly off-side, the lazy g*t was still coming back from an attack 5 mins previous.

Frank Skinner

We're assuming your e-mail is written with a touch of irony and that you were actually impressed by the performances of Curran and Kissane.  It is indeed fantastic to see Curran getting back to somewhere his best.  Hopefully he can continue to build on his fitness.  Likewise it's nice to see Kissane back among the goals.  In the mid-1990s he 'put them away for fun' as they say.  For your comments  you've been awarded e-mail of the month!  

What an Idiot!!

After battling back in the cup against Bramley, Killer Kilsby decides to throw the game away! I've noticed this isn't the first time this has happened either. A few years ago he did the same against Leeds Uni.

Does anybody else get the feeling Killer is trying to sabotage any cup runs? If this is the case surely only leagues games from now.

Great goal though Killer, keep up the good work.

A. Nonymous

A couple of seasons ago another attempted back-pass by Kilsby resulted in a Leeds Medics goal in a top of the table league clash.  Funnily enough Kilsby also scored in that game.  Generally his performances have been excellent this season.  It's just a shame this mistake was cruelly punished.

Belated new year's greetings!

Just e-mailing to wish all Trinity players and supporters a happy new year.  Hope you all have a fantastic 2007.  Here's to Trinity continuing to progress as a football club with both teams enjoying success on the football field. 

Jim ' Mullers' Mullowney, Trinity coach

Thanks for your e-mail Jim.  Trinity FC Online would like to wish you and all our readers a happy 2007.   

NOTICE...CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

This is to inform you of the release of the E-MAIL LOTTERY BALLOT INTERNATIONAL/WORLD GAMING BOARD. Your name attached to ticket number 100190876290 with Serial number 801972719 drew the lucky numbers of 11-40-09-55-23, which consequently won the lottery in the 1st category.

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum payment of 1,000,000.00euros only, which is deposited with the United Kingdom Clearing house in your favour as beneficiary and covered with HIGH INSURANCE POLICY. It is important that keep your winning confidential to avoid people garnering your information and subsequently making claim with your winning paraphernalia information.  POWERBALL EURO E-MAIL INTERNATIONAL will decline payment if such irregularity occurs.

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from only Microsoft users from over 20,000.00 companies and 3,000,000.00 individual email addresses and names from all over the world.

Congratulations again from all our staffs and thank you for being part of our Promotions program.

Margaret Ferguson

Nobody in the Trinity FC Online can actually remember purchasing the ticket with the serial number you've mentioned.  However we're perfectly prepared to accept the prize.  Feel free to post the cheque.

** Red Card **

OH YEAH!

You'll have to forgive me I'm some what confused. I tuned in to Trinity's ONCE excellent website and was delighted to read after over a month of disappointment that the e-mails had been updated. I eagerly clicked on the e-mail link, then I seen OCTOBER 23rd. I thought, "Cripes! I could have sworn it was December, but Trinity's website has never lied to me before, so it must be October". As a result I missed my wife’s birthday AND our anniversary, which both fall in December. She argued blind with me (she is actually very short sighted, but that's just an unhappy coincidence with a popular saying) that it was December, but I said "But it said the e-mails on Trinity's website had been updated this week, OCTOBER THE 23RD" I emphasised. She said I had to stop living my life through Trinity's website. We had a massive row and I had to sleep in the spare room and have a wa*k instead of sha**ing my wife as I usually do, nightly. My wife has since left me as a result of this oversight. I also lost my job because I took the holiday I had booked on the 23rd of October, again. Of course now I am aware that it is in fact (at going to post) the 15th of December and you'll probably print this among the ACTUAL updated e-mails and make me look like a mental patient (funnily enough I am currently wearing a gown with no ar*e in it, as popularised in mental homes, but only because it's relaxing). If I do get sectioned, seeing as it's your fault, would you be kind enough to send 3 members of the team to get me out, like the A-Team used to do with 'Howling Mad' Murdoch. You could send Dennis as Mr.T, because he is a big strong black man like T; Gardiner as Hannibal, because he is dead clever and Travers as (Gormless) Face, because he's the good looking one. I think I've made my point. Tell Dennis not to worry I live in Holton so he won't have "to get on no plane". Do you think with that sense of humour I'll win my missus back? Bye.

B. Umboy, Holton

Your sense of humour probably won't 'win your missus back' as you put it but it will 'win' you the red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE MONTH **

Andy Lowe's Identity Stolen!

I was very disappointed at the very unflattering photo published in the last edition. I hardly recognised myself! Some people remarked that I looked like a mass murderer!

I am forwarding a much better photo which you have my permission to use (To see the photo click here) It has also come to my attention that comments attributed to me, have come from a very unreliable source. I ask members to place no credence on any comments purporting to come from me, as they have upset some elderly founder members of the club.

Up the Hereford!  

A Lowe

It's an honour to receive an e-mail from Trinity's club president. Naturally you've been awarded e-mail of the month!  

Congratulations

All reet, I'm a regular at the Pack Horse, one of those blokes you lot probably think are sad f*cks when you come in every week after the game and see us stood at the bar looking half pissed. Well your wrong, I'm always fully p*ssed, WAHAY! Anyway, when you lot aren't there Macca drones on and on about your club all the time, so I've had to take an interest so he doesn't top up one of my 18 pints of Tetley's with p*ss, not that I'd notice the difference mind. He told me last week, in between trying to appear young and talking about what bands he's been to see and looking stupid because he's trying to wear a tight shirt like young Ryan, that your 2nd team has had a change of manager. Now I always knew who the managers of the 1st team were, Jim and Matt, because they are always at the centre of things, without being too close to the players and are clearly very well respected and popular with everyone in the club. They also have an air of authority, I don't know what they do professionally but I'm sure they hold, at the very least, middle management positions. Macca had to, however, point out to me the, now former, 2nd team manager, Noel, I think he said his name was. What a bald, miserable non-entity he seemed to be, never mind aloof, more ap**f. I couldn't help noticing how over the last couple of weeks (i'm writing this at the dole office, 05/12/06) that the atmosphere amongst the 2nds is fantastic. The players seem much brighter and more confident, they are having a laugh, they are chatty, their banter is almost on a par with the 1st teams and some of them have even spoke to lads in the firsts, as if their equals. This, I concluded has to be down to the new manager, Jimmy 'THE Yatesmiester' Yates, and his positive attitude, huge ch... personality and hetrosexuality. He has thrown the shackles off Trinity's 2's both on and off the pitch. It looks like he'll have his work cut out to cheer up that miserable bloke Niall who he's taken over from, but I wouldn't put it past him. My advice to Nigel is stop dressing as a g*y trucker and have a laugh with the lads. Reet that calls for another beer at the Horse, no wonder I drink so much you would if you had to listen to Macca reciting every episode of The Mighty Boosh, Spaced or some other student friendly comedy. Keep up the good work Yatesy, remember the old Alan Sugar philosophy "P*ffs can't manage football teams" or something like that. 

A Pack Horse regular

Jimmy Yates has indeed made a very good start in his role as manger of the second team.  However don't forget it was under Neil Higgins' leadership that they achieved promotion in their first season. 

Kilsby's Music Review

Being a little self obsessed family we recently entered our bands name in to a search engine, I think its called 'goggle' or something.

This brought us to your fine website and a review by a Mr Kilsby, apparently some authority on music, on one of our albums. He also claims to know us boys.

First things first. I have never heard of this chap, who is he? Sounds a bit disturbed to us.

A couple of things to point out, the album is called "The New Fellas" not "The Cribs" (any half-wit would have got that much right)and the best song is not "Hey Scenesters" its quite clearly "Hypster Type".

I suspect he has got hold of our album by some means, not liked it, put his new Take That Album on and whilst dreaming of his team mates in the shower thought about how he could impress the good gents at your club. In attempt to look 'cool' he has then written a report on our music quoting the only song he can remember as his favourite. Low and behold this is the first song on the album, showing the extent of his imagination.

The Jarmans

Dave Kilsby is well respected for his views on emerging new bands of musicians.  The error made on the title of the album you've mentioned should not reduce his credibility on the music scene. 

Any social gatherings Trinity?

I just wondered if Trinity were having any social gatherings this season??  The last two years have been really good with Gareth Curran as social secretary, there were quite a few events and he was a really entertaining, outgoing social kind of guy. I heard he had been replaced and was hoping for an even bigger character to take over the role. However, so far there hasn’t been much happening.

Is there a social scene without Gareth Curran?? So far it doesn’t look like it!!!!!!!!

Perhaps Paul McIntyre, who was instrumental in disposing of Gareth, but tried to blame other people, should answer this email.  Or perhaps that really quiet bloke from Huddersfield who nobody ever sees and drives to all nights out because he can’t afford a taxi should answer??

A Keen Socialite and West Life fan.

Gareth Curran was indeed a very entertaining social secretary who was responsible for some excellent events in the last couple of years.  Robbie Pearson the new social secretary may not have planned many events so far but he is sure to have a few things 'up his sleeve' as they say for the new year.  Don't forget he has planned Trinity's Christmas Social which takes place this Saturday (see the What's Happening column on the home page).

Is it true?

I've just started a teaching job at a school, obviously, but it's so recent since I've started that I can't remember the name of it. Anyway, there's this bloke there who's always going on and on in the staffroom about what a good player he is and how he plays on a Saturday. When I saw him squeezed tightly into this salmon coloured top, which seemed to bulge out well over his belt, I noticed he had absolutely massive arms so I assumed he was going on about a darts league he was in. To my horror it turns out he was talking about football and I heard him mention your name, Trinity. I immediately went online to Google your name and that's how I got this website. After I'd laughed myself into a stupour at how hilariously well put together it is (the editor must have a great sense of humour and surely your Gardiner's World column is written by someone like Ricky Gervais or John Craven, someone that funny), I thought I'd write this e-mail to find out if this colleague of mine is telling the truth, seeing as everyone at college tells me he talks sh*te all the time I thought I'd check. His name is 'Jonesy'. Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

Hugh Jarms, Cottingley

'Jonesy' as you call him is indeed a well-respected member of the Trinity squad.  Click here to read his player profile.

What is your minimum salary requirement?

Do you have BS in Engineering or Associates degree?

Please summarise your Field Service Engineering experience in the nuclear industry as it applies to this position. You will be assisting  in the development of landfill permit-to-install drawings, construction plan and specification preparation, and construction quality assurance monitoring and certification, professional engineer, registered professional engineer, ncees, national council of examiners.  At Verizon Wireless, we devote considerable resources to sustaining our employees' ambitions, growth and determination.

Dudley W. Gwendoline

Readers if you're interested in working for Verizon Wireless and you have a BS in Engineering or Associates degree e-mail Trinity FC Online now.  

** Red Card **

Slack!

Brewery, P*ss up,  you arrange them, cos I tell you what that poor man's Jose Mourinho "Jimmy Yates" hasn't got a clue! Turning up on Saturday in long f**king coat, talking tactics, geeing up the lads and giving it the big one! The only thing that I witnessed was a unbelievable administration c**k up! New boy Oli wasn't interested in positions or tactics, all he wanted to know was how much it was going to cost him for a booking, cos when he steps on the field that's what will happen! But Yatesy  had the wrong name down on his paper work and the ref wouldn't let him on! Good job captain Lambert leads by example and played on through the pain barrier. Higgo may not have had the results this season, but I tell you what, just like his designer wardrobe & vanity case his paper work was always well in order!

An Outraged Trinity Player!

Since Jimmy Yates took over as manager of the second team they have been unbeaten in three games.  He must be doing something right!  For not realising there's more to football management than efficient paperwork you've been given the red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE MONTH **

Lost in the long grass!

Just an observation from a concerned Trinity fan. When I was watching the "Green machine" in action on Saturday (and by the way stick together lads and starting playing positive, encouraging football like you did last year!) I couldn't help but notice that the length of the grass looked a bit too long and could do with a good cut, just nice and short like my favourite players hair styles ( Scobes & Johnny Hobbs) but not too much like that bald b**tard Higgo! When the grass is too long you can't be sure what it's hiding. When big Col fell to ground I can only assume from the way he was wriggling around & screaming that the long grass was covering up a 12 inch d*ldo and poor Colin was unfortunate enough to land with the purple headed warrior embedded up his a*se! So please for the sake of football and unfortunate injuries can we get the mower out?

Pam Gold, A Trinity Fan

P.S. Please ask Angus Martin to stop calling lost property at St Teresa's because nobody has handed in a d*ldo!

As well as potentially hiding a variety of dangerous objects long grass can be a hindrance to a nice flowing game of football.  Thankfully the St. Theresa's groundsmen have 'got the mower out' as you put it.  For your observations you've been awarded e-mail of the month!  

Great comic writing

Mr Gardiner I have just read your article on new players (in the Gardiner's World column), I really liked it! oops got to go now, I'll write again later.

Lilly

Thanks for your positive e-mail Lilly.  I'm sure Chris Gardiner will be pleased to read it.  Do write again soon.

I was in Wilkinson's the other day and noticed that they sold three rolls of insulating tape for £1.99.  As well as being used for a variety of DIY chores insulating tape is also frequently used by footballers to keep their socks up.  I was thinking that maybe some of those tight as f*ck Trinity players should pop down there and buy some, instead of bugging Mullowney every week for it!

Terry McGee, Leeds

Thanks for the shopping advice Terry.  No doubt there are many retail outlets that also sell tape at low prices.

Goals win games!

I'm a firm believer in the simple theory that goals win games.  Forget about your 4-4-2s, your 3-5-2s, your sweepers and your flat-back fours.  Formations don't mean a thing if you don't score.  I'm also a firm believer that if you don't shoot you don't score.  So come on Trinity don't be scared of shooting.  Be positive and have lots of shots!

Mick C, Alwoodley

Wise words Mick.  Football is a simple game with a simple scoring system, with the team that scores the most goals winning the game.  However you shouldn't discount the importance of formations.  If they didn't matter then they wouldn't have been invented!

Christmas Time!

On the horizon is the season of good will. What will Trinity have in store for a night out this year? I'm hoping for a curry and a night where too long is spent in the Pack Horse with drinking games galore.

Surely I can’t be that lucky 10 years on the trot!?

Sort it out, lets do something different this year.

Santa

Trinity's social secretary Robbie Pearson will be responsible for the Christmas Social this year so there's sure to be a few surprises.  However it is likely that The Pack Horse and The Mook will be involved as they are the team's loyal sponsors.  Don't forget the traditional Worthington Cup.  It gets bigger and better every year!

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Happy birthday Hotmail from everyone at Trinity FC Online!

** Red Card **

You never won f*ck all, you never won f*ck all!

You make me laugh you lot, you swan about the league with a superior attitude, thinking you're the best footballing side in the league and everyone is meant to just stand back and admire you, b*llocks. You're even worse after your cup runs last year, you give me the runs looking at you. Just remember, your like Newcastle, you haven't won f*ck all for decades, not like us. I'm sticking my neck out, cos you p*ssies won't say owt, and I'm saying you won't win f*ck all this season either, cos you haven't got what it takes when teams don't let you ponce about, I mean who else have Collegians beat, no c*nts, that's who. Your like Arsenal, looking good is all that matters and if you get the physical treatment you cry off, f*ggots. Everyone tipped you for the league this season, not me, cos I know the league is a long haul and only the strongest mentally and physically prevail, you can get lucky and ponce your way through cups, or turn it on one week in 5, the league's week in week out (except for cup weeks). Your like Liverpool you lot, fancied for the league but to fair weather, so better suited to the cups, one of which you've already bottled it in. Don't expect to see you on awards night, but we'll be there. You'll be like Spurs a team on the up, but who don't seem to be going anywhere. You'll lose this weekend pansies.

G Huxall. Leeds, Leeds, Leeds.

Trinity are an excellent side capable of beating anyone in the league.  They're sure to be in with a chance of silverware this season.   For your negative comments you've been given the red card.  You’re off!

 ** E-MAIL OF THE MONTH **

Gardiner is that you!

I was looking through the Yorkshire Evening Post the other neet like, and noticed that not only like the North-East, there are really scruffy people in Yorkshire like, and this guy was in there at number 5, and I thought I nar that fella like Ow YIE-HIE MAN it's Gardiner! (Click here to see the Gardiner look-alike)

Scottie, "THE KAT"

Readers send in your pictures of people in local newspapers who look a bit like Trinity players.  Scottie for getting the ball rolling as they say you've been awarded e-mail of the month!  

Mr. Cool

Thanks to my many connections in the media world, I have been able to uncover, what I think, is a sensational piece of news. I'm sure many of Trinity’s fans are huge fans of popular music and as a result of this will also be huge fans of MTV. Obviously I'm preaching to the knowledgeable, but as you know MTV has many programmes and not all of them are solely music based. Anyway to get to the point, a reliable contact informed me that one of their programmes has received a pleading letter from a man going through an early mid-life crisis. His crisis has been brought on by having to give at least one cool young man a lift to football every week and feeling he's not cool enough he set about changing that. The letter came from a certain Robbie Pearson and the sad b*stard wrote in to MTV's Pimp My Ride. So expect Robbie to turn up in the next couple of weeks with his motor souped up, hydraulic wheels, velvet seat covers, blacked out windows and some hoofers on the roof, then get out and still look like the same googly eyed c*nt he has been for years, MTV can't change that. Good luck for the season!

C. Moyles (Martin O'Keefe's cousin). Alwoodley 

Whether he's cool or not is debatable but one thing that can be said for Pearson is that he's an excellent footballer, who's started the season off in great form for Trinity.  Keep it up Robbie!

So Early in season and I laugh to tears!

Hello again my most noble friends. It is me again Chris Gardallah, I am excited to my pants wet. The new season has only just started and already many of my old favourites from YOBL comedy site are breaking my ribs. How can they maintain this level of high class fun, HOW??? I was a watching fan of Keeping up Appearances for many years, but in the end it was sh*t, f*cking sh*t, I do not think this will be the case for my YOBL friends after reading the latest repartee. Boy Becks, Killer, The real Bill and a new mirth maker, Dalex. WOW!! They have perfect comic chemistry. Today I think I am close to heaven, because clearly they are all at job club as their responses to each other are so rapid, for me it is perfection. As a mere mortal I would be having enormous difficulty to come up with such rapid reply. New excitement for me is finding that even The Real Bill's name is comedy gold, because, and here I wipe tear of joy from my face, THERE IS ANOTHER MEMBER OF COMEDY WEBSITE CALLED BILL HA HA HA HA, (as my friends might write). Second, and of a most sophisticated level of fun, BoyBecks is getting his leg pull and then with most intelligent timing, he enters fray and on end of response, this is breaking me up, THREE exclamation mark, but better, smiley face, WHERE IS THE GENIUS COMING FROM, I AM BOGGLED IN MIND. The real bill I think must have had even greater comic pills over summer break, because 3 times I think, "Oh, disappointing no jokes from Real Bill, then, oh, eh, what is this, Oh Gardallah you are so blind to not see he makes a fun, here is the HAHA to signify it" How I kicked myself for missing these funs and how I thank him again for question. I have one word of warning though, I hear Western want to set up site for fun, and Killer want address, please I beg for sake of sides, DON'T GIVE IT HIM, he will rip you as you say. Oh please keep these funs going it is all ore material for my book which I think will surely be best seller. Good luck for seasons Trinity players and stay clear of flight 34178496 to Chicago.

C. Gardallah. Chapeltown

You're quite correct.  Those contributors to the YOBL website are indeed very humorous.

I hear that Killer Kilsby is back in the Trinity ranks? If that is the case when can we expect the return of his informative music column?

Over the previous 2 years he put forward a number of bands that have now become big sellers. All the doubts people had were put to bed when many of the bands came to the forefront of the music industry

Let us have it Killer, your knowledge is 2nd to none!

A Trinity Regular and Music lover

The Killers were just one of the bands to be reviewed in the column before they made it big.  Trinity FC Online are always ready to publish more of Kilsby's thoughts of the music world.  

YOBL records

I'm updating YOBL records forum shortly & it would be nice to have something from Trinity.  Check out the criteria - goal scorers , no goal scorers, appearances etc.  Any claim welcome.

Martin

Thanks for your e-mail Martin.  Readers do you know of any YOBL records that Trinity can claim?  If so e-mail Trinity FC Online now! 

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You're Sh*t!

Just thought I'd get this e-mail in early; You lot are sh*t and you won't win f*ck all again this season. You've got no bottle you c*nts and you don't like it when the conditions aren't perfect for you, you fu*king prima-donna's, or when teams put it up you. You don't need to know which team I'm from, but I'll see you qu**rs out on the pitch. F*ck off.

Anon, Stanningley

Not many teams will actually win trophies this season as there are so many good teams and so few trophies.  However Trinity will surely have a decent chance of performing well in every competition they enter.  Good luck with which ever team you play for.

You lot played against my brother's team last week and even though he said you thrashed them (they were missing 7 regulars) he thought you were a soft touch. I tell you what we might not be able to outplay you but by the sounds of you, you flash Harry's won't be able to mince your way through us, we get f*cking stuck in we do. Look forward to meeting your shins next Saturday.

F Crusoe, Bramhope

Sounds like you're a very short person if you look forward to meeting the shins of people.  But seriously good luck on Saturday.  May the best team win as they say. 

** Red Card **

Sort it out Statistician!!

Priestley's got 4 goals in 6 games....not 3!!

If it means that little to you then perhaps he should stay back at corners!!

Maureen, Cookridge

Priestley is a super defender who poses an excellent attacking threat for Trinity at set pieces.  However before you start criticising the Trinity FC Online statistician you should double check your figures.  Priestley has actually got 3 goals from six games at this present moment in time (3 behind his target of a goal a game), not the 4 that you quote.  For your haste to criticise before verifying the facts you've been given the red card.  You’re off!